Not to sound like a dick but how are we supposed to know? I don't go around with a "guide to Kevin's life." There's no "updates on Kevin's life" feature of this website (is there?). I don't know how much work you put into this site all I hear is you bitch about it.
Nobody here dislikes you in fact I think it's quite the opposite. We all appreciate what you do but you don't really give anyone the opportunity to help you. From what I understand you like having totalitarian control of this site--which is fine--but you have to know that a lot of the stress you encounter is either self-inflicted or a matter of your personal life. I'm not trying to offend you either.
The fact of the matter is that this is the internet. I feel that certain personality traits of people are accentuated using this medium for communication while other traits become less dominant because we are not interacting in physical space. Anonymity becomes a tool for certain people--they enjoy being able to hide behind their online alias and often take bigger risks with their statements and opinions.
But what you have succeeded in doing in this website is bring people together. I may only know a few members real names on this website but there is a certain connection that I feel with those members that I don't get on other sites. It's because of the community that you've fostered here. I also believe that most of the regulars here have a great amount of respect for each other even though they have differing opinions. I've been a complete dickhole to Cheesey in a lot of the evolution threads but outside of that I completely enjoy his online presence (and I respect his opinions).
Other members have come asking for advice or hope in times of need--this doesn't happen online often unless there is a specific dynamic that allows all of a sites members to feel comfortable.
Zero...Kevin. You should feel proud of what you've accomplished with this website.
"djcubez" wrote:
A lot of the site work is self inflicted. I hate knowing that we have site load issues, it bothers me more than it should. I admit that, there's no denying it.
You're right, not many know my life, as not many know many others life, but does that mean we shouldn't respect everyone equally as if they were sitting next to us? I suppose I block my personal life for many reasons, mainly fear.
Many here dislike me (they're not afraid to tell me), which is going to happen with any group of people. I know I have an amazingly difficult personality to understand and appreciate. I know a lot of this is self inflicted. That is the problem. I am someone now who I never wanted to be and don't know why or how it happened or when it happened.
As for total control. It's not something I "want", but it almost has to be that way in my view. Why should others take fault for my failures? When we had a staff here, they were being slammed with things they had no control over. That's not fair to them and that's the primary reason I took it solo. I am stubborn and when I get my mind made up, it's hard to change it. Why put others through that? I'd love to open things up to someone and have them help me code new features and things of that nature, but who can you trust? I've been burnt by so many people it's made it hard for me to man up and trust others again. Even when it comes to something as insignifcant as a website. I don't think many really know how much this hobby of mine means to me. How much of a crutch it is for me. To many, it's a website. To me, it's an escape. I don't know if that makes sense.
Shawn, I appreciate the PM with the digits. I mean no disrespect or unappreciation of it, but I'll try to explain why it's hard for me to do as you say.
When I was growing up, others would come to my dad and I and tell us they were jealous of the father/son bond we had. Dad was my best friend. He made me believe no matter what, he'd always be there for me. Even if I had done something completely wrong, he'd have my back, but may disagree with what I've done. I knew I could always depend on him to be there for me. When I was 23 I was tired of who I was. I was always angry, losing my temper over petty things, I wasn't being who I wanted to be. I was extremely immature beyond any 23 year old. I knew it, I seen it, I hated it.
Dad was somehow always right so I said, I'm done. I stopped talking to everyone, family, friends, broke up with my gf who triggered many of my negative emotions. I kicked her out, that was my first move. Then I was forced out of my house and lived in my car '89 Berretta, until Dad found out. He was pissed I didn't ask to live with him. He said something about being too prideful to ask for help. He made me live with him in their basement room. I got laid off from both of the jobs I was working in the same week. I put all of my cards in my Dad's hand. As if to say "Dad, guide me, tell me what to do from here, I'm lost, where did I go wrong? I'll listen this time and do as you say"
Two months later, he kicked me to the curb while he was going through the most difficult false allegation in his life. My step mom told him I wasn't visiting him because I felt he was guilty, even though I stopped because I had warrants for my arrest. He didn't care to hear me out, he believed her over me. She was someone who disliked me from the start because of how much father/son things we done. That's not an embelished statement, she told that to me and my dad a few times.
The one person I knew I could always depend on, the one person I had as my rock, my pillar that I could lean on, tossed me aside like I was nothing, a nobody, a insifgifant soul not worthy of his time.
Poised to live in my car again, my mom found out and I had to move up north and live with her. I loved her, but hated Sturgeon Bay, there was no privacy there. Everyone had to know everything about you. I'm a private person, very private and it's extremely hard for me to open up at all on any level. And they all knew me and thought they knew my story.
That was 7 years ago. Dad and I didn't speak for nearly four years. We have spent the last three years repairing our father son relationship one phone call a week, one 2-3 hour visit a month (which now has stopped because I'm out of state). I've said my piece to him, in a 23 front and back page letter and to his face. He didn't know what the depth of what I was going through at the time, until the letter. He didn't realize how much I needed him. How desparate I was for smoeone, anyone to just understand.
How does that link in? If my own father, someone who raised me since I was 5 yrs old can throw me to the side when I needed him most, how am I supposed to trust that anyone else will be any different?
My two best friends and I have grown apart, it happens, that's life.
My mom passed away.
There is no one left that knows me, for me, who I really am from my past, to my present. All that most know is I'm some arrogant condescending cocky power hungry jerk of a guy. That kills me, because I know deep down I am not any of those things.