Zero2Cool
14 years ago

Not to sound like a dick but how are we supposed to know? I don't go around with a "guide to Kevin's life." There's no "updates on Kevin's life" feature of this website (is there?). I don't know how much work you put into this site all I hear is you bitch about it.

Nobody here dislikes you in fact I think it's quite the opposite. We all appreciate what you do but you don't really give anyone the opportunity to help you. From what I understand you like having totalitarian control of this site--which is fine--but you have to know that a lot of the stress you encounter is either self-inflicted or a matter of your personal life. I'm not trying to offend you either.

The fact of the matter is that this is the internet. I feel that certain personality traits of people are accentuated using this medium for communication while other traits become less dominant because we are not interacting in physical space. Anonymity becomes a tool for certain people--they enjoy being able to hide behind their online alias and often take bigger risks with their statements and opinions.

But what you have succeeded in doing in this website is bring people together. I may only know a few members real names on this website but there is a certain connection that I feel with those members that I don't get on other sites. It's because of the community that you've fostered here. I also believe that most of the regulars here have a great amount of respect for each other even though they have differing opinions. I've been a complete dickhole to Cheesey in a lot of the evolution threads but outside of that I completely enjoy his online presence (and I respect his opinions).

Other members have come asking for advice or hope in times of need--this doesn't happen online often unless there is a specific dynamic that allows all of a sites members to feel comfortable.

Zero...Kevin. You should feel proud of what you've accomplished with this website.

"djcubez" wrote:



A lot of the site work is self inflicted. I hate knowing that we have site load issues, it bothers me more than it should. I admit that, there's no denying it.

You're right, not many know my life, as not many know many others life, but does that mean we shouldn't respect everyone equally as if they were sitting next to us? I suppose I block my personal life for many reasons, mainly fear.

Many here dislike me (they're not afraid to tell me), which is going to happen with any group of people. I know I have an amazingly difficult personality to understand and appreciate. I know a lot of this is self inflicted. That is the problem. I am someone now who I never wanted to be and don't know why or how it happened or when it happened.

As for total control. It's not something I "want", but it almost has to be that way in my view. Why should others take fault for my failures? When we had a staff here, they were being slammed with things they had no control over. That's not fair to them and that's the primary reason I took it solo. I am stubborn and when I get my mind made up, it's hard to change it. Why put others through that? I'd love to open things up to someone and have them help me code new features and things of that nature, but who can you trust? I've been burnt by so many people it's made it hard for me to man up and trust others again. Even when it comes to something as insignifcant as a website. I don't think many really know how much this hobby of mine means to me. How much of a crutch it is for me. To many, it's a website. To me, it's an escape. I don't know if that makes sense.






Shawn, I appreciate the PM with the digits. I mean no disrespect or unappreciation of it, but I'll try to explain why it's hard for me to do as you say.

When I was growing up, others would come to my dad and I and tell us they were jealous of the father/son bond we had. Dad was my best friend. He made me believe no matter what, he'd always be there for me. Even if I had done something completely wrong, he'd have my back, but may disagree with what I've done. I knew I could always depend on him to be there for me. When I was 23 I was tired of who I was. I was always angry, losing my temper over petty things, I wasn't being who I wanted to be. I was extremely immature beyond any 23 year old. I knew it, I seen it, I hated it.

Dad was somehow always right so I said, I'm done. I stopped talking to everyone, family, friends, broke up with my gf who triggered many of my negative emotions. I kicked her out, that was my first move. Then I was forced out of my house and lived in my car '89 Berretta, until Dad found out. He was pissed I didn't ask to live with him. He said something about being too prideful to ask for help. He made me live with him in their basement room. I got laid off from both of the jobs I was working in the same week. I put all of my cards in my Dad's hand. As if to say "Dad, guide me, tell me what to do from here, I'm lost, where did I go wrong? I'll listen this time and do as you say"

Two months later, he kicked me to the curb while he was going through the most difficult false allegation in his life. My step mom told him I wasn't visiting him because I felt he was guilty, even though I stopped because I had warrants for my arrest. He didn't care to hear me out, he believed her over me. She was someone who disliked me from the start because of how much father/son things we done. That's not an embelished statement, she told that to me and my dad a few times.

The one person I knew I could always depend on, the one person I had as my rock, my pillar that I could lean on, tossed me aside like I was nothing, a nobody, a insifgifant soul not worthy of his time.

Poised to live in my car again, my mom found out and I had to move up north and live with her. I loved her, but hated Sturgeon Bay, there was no privacy there. Everyone had to know everything about you. I'm a private person, very private and it's extremely hard for me to open up at all on any level. And they all knew me and thought they knew my story.

That was 7 years ago. Dad and I didn't speak for nearly four years. We have spent the last three years repairing our father son relationship one phone call a week, one 2-3 hour visit a month (which now has stopped because I'm out of state). I've said my piece to him, in a 23 front and back page letter and to his face. He didn't know what the depth of what I was going through at the time, until the letter. He didn't realize how much I needed him. How desparate I was for smoeone, anyone to just understand.


How does that link in? If my own father, someone who raised me since I was 5 yrs old can throw me to the side when I needed him most, how am I supposed to trust that anyone else will be any different?

My two best friends and I have grown apart, it happens, that's life.

My mom passed away.

There is no one left that knows me, for me, who I really am from my past, to my present. All that most know is I'm some arrogant condescending cocky power hungry jerk of a guy. That kills me, because I know deep down I am not any of those things.
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DakotaT
14 years ago
At least you don't have to live in North Dakota, Zero.

I've got a lot of bad stuff in the closet about my father too. But because I'm an old bastard, I've had a long time to heal. If I can help you at all, it is this: time has away of cleansing things, concentrate on what you need to do today, then tomorrow, and so forth.

Thanks for sharing! Feels pretty good to unload, huh?

You have provided many of us a very cool avenue to communicate, and we all owe for that. Put some faith in us and let us help you out, but only if you really want to.
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Pack93z
14 years ago
Okay.. so that is a first step.. out in the open like this is somewhat uncomfortable for me.. but hey.. it has been started.

Second... right in that short blurb.. using only that short blurb.. he wasn't there for you because he didn't know the full scope of what was going down.. should he have sat down and had a discussion with you.. yep. Listening to your story.. just what I see in front of me.. if you were pulling away.. he might have been cautious not to push you away further at first and then made a mistake and trusted your step mother over you...

Third.. your a complicated introvert... probably why we get along yet clash so often.. we are very much similar in personality.. albeit I am an older goat in a different place in my life. But I rarely truly let anyone know what I truly think.. because it is complicated and probably is to close to the vest so to speak.

Fourth.. Don't feel bad or whatever.. I offered the digits if you wanted to use them.. if not.. I understand that as well. The digits haven't changed for years.. probably won't in the future. lol.

Lastly.. you have to find some peace with yourself.. accept yourself and your flaws.. then one by one grow from them.. and soon you will see those changes that you seek.

I was there once.. feeling down, defeated, getting drunk, getting in a fight, arrested, bailed out and getting a lecture from a best friends father.. worst but important 24 hours of my at that time young life. Raccoon eyes and all.. one big ugly SOB he was.. lol.
"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
Cheesey
14 years ago
Kevin......that's some heavy stuff. In some ways, i know how you feel. My Dad was my "rock"......then he died when i was 16. I had no one to look up too. My Mom went off the deep end, my brother (7 years older then me) was a mean drunk. So i just floundered. Even though my Dad didn't "dump" me, i felt he left me. I know it wasn't his choice, but it still hurts. I had a dream about him last night, and it wasn't a good one. He died 36 years ago. And right now, i need him more then i can say.
My best friend, who was my best man at my wedding, dumped me as a friend.
I have no friends.
No one in person here that i can talk to. Not even ONE. I feel pretty lost. So much bad stuff is going on, and no way that i can see as a way out. At least a way out that's right. There's one easy way.....but it's not right, i know.
I guess what i'm trying to say is, you arn't alone. Everyone has problems. The good thing for you right now is that your dad is still alive, where you at least have the chance to "fix" things with him. That beats not having the chance.
And you are young, and VERY strong. Alot stronger then i am right now.
I was laways so used to being the one that people could turn too......now i'm on the other side, and i don't like it, not one bit.
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Zero2Cool
14 years ago
I know everyone has problems, difficulties in life, hardships, etc. I fully understand that. I've spent many hours, weeks, months even over a year being there for specific others as they go through difficult times. I had hoped while helping them, I would provide foundation to help myself in the future. Sort of a step out side of your window and look through it and evaluate the situation.

I have nothing to be unhappy about, nothing. I have smart beautiful healthy daughters. I'm perfectly healthy. I have perfect vision, hearing, all my bits and pieces. I have a reliable vehicle. I have a nice duplex. I have a job.

Why do I continue to come off in such a manner that's not accurate to who I really am? Why can't I be happy? I feel as if I'm on roller coaster that has many highs, many lows and I just want to get off the ride for a bit to gather my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions ... but there's no time for it. My girls can't be ignored and they can't have a daddy who's not happy, so I have to throw up a smile and try to pretend all is well. There's no break, most of us know that. You don't choose when to be and not to be a parent. Once you are, you are and that's it.

...

I know my life hasn't been a cake walk, but it's my own fault and each of us has had a hard life. I just don't know how to turn it around.
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zombieslayer
14 years ago
Zero - Keep the dialog open. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Everyone on this board is flawed in some way. Yet, together, we are a rock.

Same for you Cheesey.

Dakota - I'm glad you shared your story with everyone here. It was a tough read and wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone. I kept writing something, then erasing it, then writing it, then closing the browser. I never knew what to say. I think I only left one stupid comment on the whole thread.

But for you, I'm sure it was therapeutically. Others have shared tough times too from layoffs to having their child bullied to almost losing their homes to death in the family. You see how together, we're a rock though.

I love this board. Seriously. I really do love it.

And Pack93z, you've been a rock. Kudos. And everyone else here. This site rules. I've learned so much, not just about the Packers.
My man Donald Driver
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(thanks to Pack93z for the pic)
2010 will be seen as the beginning of the new Packers dynasty. 🇹🇹 🇲🇲 🇦🇷
Rockmolder
14 years ago

Dakota - I'm glad you shared your story with everyone here. It was a tough read and wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone. I kept writing something, then erasing it, then writing it, then closing the browser. I never knew what to say. I think I only left one stupid comment on the whole thread.

"zombieslayer" wrote:



I had the same thing.

I actually have it right now.

All I can tell you is this, something that's been said quite a few times already, and that is that no one's going to judge or think that you're whiny when posting stuff like this.

I'm a hypocrite for saying this, but getting stuff like this out on this forum can't do you any harm. We're not always one, big, huggy bunch, but when you're going through hard times, there are a lot of people here that come through.
DakotaT
14 years ago

Dakota - I'm glad you shared your story with everyone here. It was a tough read and wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone. I kept writing something, then erasing it, then writing it, then closing the browser. I never knew what to say. I think I only left one stupid comment on the whole thread.

"Rockmolder" wrote:



I had the same thing.

I actually have it right now.

"zombieslayer" wrote:



That's ok boys! The help I needed at the time was received. Even now when I look at her, I well up sometimes. I can't imagine anything harder than this whole sureal experience has been. But the good that has come out of this is remarkable. Julie and I haven't been this close emotionally in years.
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Nonstopdrivel
14 years ago
Some of the misunderstandings on this site stem from our varying approaches to how we act online. Some of that is a result of personality differences, some of it is philosophical or methodological preferences. For example, people like Cheesey tend to look for empathy online and are much more frank about their problems. People like me, by contrast, tend to go online solely for entertainment -- to get away from the world for a few minutes -- and thus rarely talk openly about our lives, or if we do, we tend to emphasize the positive. Hence, I tend to talk about my adventures with women online (though I haven't fooled around with anyone in months), while I don't talk about the fact I almost got kicked out of the army recently due to the extreme emotional problems being around the military causes in me.

The result is that I think we sometimes unjustly think others have better or worse lives than they do, that some are always positive while others seem like whiners, instead of taking into consideration the fact that the picture portrayed on this site is heavily filtered and carefully crafted.

Honestly, though, it isn't all that much different than any normal social setting. How often do we see people who seem completely happy, only to get divorced or commit suicide without warning? We never really know what's going on inside another human being. We just fool ourselves into thinking we do because we can see their body language or hear the tone of their voice when we're in person.

The fact is we all live a lie to one extent or another. We don't have the time, the inclination, or the emotional strength to reveal everything about ourselves at all times. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

We just need to have the wisdom to realize that the picture we get of people on this site is necessarily skewed and be slow to judgment for that very reason.
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Zero2Cool
14 years ago
I'm not sure how to say this, but when I hear about DakotaT, longtimefan, Cheesey, etc it makes me think I need to just shut up and be happy with my life. The things they are going through and went through I feel are more deafening than mine. Especially when I'm the reason my life is how it is. I come off the way I do because ... I don't know, but I know there must have been something I did or didn't do earlier in life that caused it to happen.

If I wouldn't have moved out of Green Bay and was around more and stopped by dad's house more there's a good chance he doesn't get falsely accused without a reliable witness, because I'd have been there. I bet even though I felt like I did everything I could, I probably could have done more to show my mom drinking wasn't the answer. I could have paid more attention in High School and landed a better career sooner and wouldn't have left Wisconsin. I could have kept my little pecker in my pants so I didn't have to try and be a dad before I was ready.

I could have done things differently. I try not to dwell on the past, but when I don't see a bright future anymore, it's hard not to look back at my mistakes and wonder, what the hell is wrong with me? It bothers me that I'm not the same person I once was just a few months ago. The thoughts creeping through my head, the weird dreams I have, the strange thoughts I think, the lack of being able to hold back certain emotions. I don't like it at all. I want off this ride, I want the world to sort of make sense again. I feel like I have no direction anymore and I'm just a dingleberry flapping in the wind.


Their hardships are real and extremely difficult, I couldn't imagine being in their shoes accurately. Mine? Just look like some whiny ass who wants attention or people to feel sorry for or pity him. But truth is, I loath that feeling more than anyone could ever realize. I just want someone, anyone, to understand. I want my mom back, or my dad, or Jim, or Nick, or even Ann, someone who remembers me for who I was when I was 'right'.
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Fan Shout
Mucky Tundra (1h) : beast, forecast is looking like 27-28 degrees at kickoff, slight chance of snow flurries
Zero2Cool (4h) : Oh? It wasn't on the injury report. That sucks, but it's what is best.
packerfanoutwest (5h) : Doubs is out due to concussion
beast (7h) : What does the weather look like?
Martha Careful (11h) : You can wear long-johns mittens and a hat. We want Hill and their other skill guys FROZEN
Zero2Cool (15h) : I'm not sure I hope for that. I'll be at the game.
Martha Careful (25-Nov) : I hope it is colder than a well-diggers ass on Thanksgiving night.
Zero2Cool (25-Nov) : doubt he wants to face the speedsters
beast (25-Nov) : Dolphins offense can be explosive... I wonder if we'll have Alexander back
Zero2Cool (25-Nov) : No Doubs could be issue Thursday
Mucky Tundra (25-Nov) : Bears. Santos. Blocked FG
Zero2Cool (24-Nov) : Bears. Vikings. OT
Mucky Tundra (24-Nov) : Thems the breaks I guess
Mucky Tundra (24-Nov) : Two players out and Williams had an injury designation this week but Oladapo is a healthy scratch
Zero2Cool (24-Nov) : Packers inactives vs 49ers: • CB Jaire Alexander • S Kitan Oladapo • LB Edgerrin Cooper • OL Jacob Monk
TheKanataThrilla (24-Nov) : Aaron Jones with a costly red zone fumble
Zero2Cool (24-Nov) : When we trade Malik for a 1st rounder, we'll need a new QB2.
packerfanoutwest (23-Nov) : Report: Aaron Rodgers wants to play in 2025, but not for the Jets
beast (23-Nov) : That's what I told the Police officer about my speed when he pulled me over
packerfanoutwest (23-Nov) : NFL told Bears that Packers’ blocked field goal was legal
packerfanoutwest (22-Nov) : 49ers are underdogs at Packers, ending streak of 36 straight games as favorites
Zero2Cool (22-Nov) : 49ers might be down their QB, DL, TE and LT?
packerfanoutwest (22-Nov) : Jaire Alexander says he has a torn PCL
Zero2Cool (20-Nov) : Even with the context it's ... what?
Mucky Tundra (20-Nov) : Matt LaFleur without context: “I don’t wanna pat you on the butt and you poop in my hand.”
beast (20-Nov) : We brought in a former Packers OL coach to help evaluate OL as a scout
beast (20-Nov) : Jets have been pretty good at picking DL
Zero2Cool (20-Nov) : He landed good players thanks to high draft slot. He isn't good.
Zero2Cool (20-Nov) : He can shove his knowledge up his ass. He knows nothing.
beast (20-Nov) : More knowledge, just like bring in the Jets head coach
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : What? Why? Huh?
beast (19-Nov) : I wonder if the Packers might to try to bring Douglas in through Milt Hendrickson/Ravens connections
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : The Jets fired Joe Douglas, per sources
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : Jets are a mess......
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : Pretty sure Jets fired their scouting staff and just pluck former Packers.
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : Jets sign Anders Carlson to their 53.
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : When you cycle the weeks, the total over remains for season. But you get your W/L for that selected week. Confusing.
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : the total and percentage are the same as the previous weeks
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : the total and percentage are the same as the previous weeks
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : the totals are accurate..nrvrtmind
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : I don't follow what you are saying. The totals are not the same as last week.
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : ok so then wht are the totals the same as last week?
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : NFL Pick'em is auto updated when NFL Scores tab is clicked
Martha Careful (19-Nov) : The offense was OK. Let's not forget the Bear defense is very very good.
packerfanoutwest (19-Nov) : Who updates the leaderboard on NFLPickem?
beast (19-Nov) : Has the Packers offense been worse since the former Jets coach joined the Packers?
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : Offense gets his ass in gear, this could be good.
Zero2Cool (19-Nov) : Backup QB helped with three wins. Special Teams contributed to three wins.
bboystyle (18-Nov) : Lions played outside thats why. They scored 16 and 17 in the only 2 outside games this year
Zero2Cool (18-Nov) : The rest of the NFL is catching up to Packers ... kicking is an issue throughout league
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