[URL="http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/22/sunday-review/please-dont-thank-me-for-my-service.html?partner=msft_msn&_r=0"]NYTimes by By MATT RICHTEL[/URL]
HUNTER GARTH was in a gunfight for his life — and about to lose.
“I’m going to die here with my best friends,” he recalled thinking.
I didn’t know any of this — nor the remarkable story of his survival that day — when I met him two months ago in Colorado while reporting for an article about the marijuana industry, for which Mr. Garth and his company provide security. But I did know he was a vet and so I did what seemed natural: I thanked him for his service.
“No problem,” he said.
It wasn’t true. There was a problem. I could see it from the way he looked down. And I could see it on the faces of some of the other vets who work with Mr. Garth when I thanked them too. What gives, I asked? Who doesn’t want to be thanked for their military service?
Many people, it turns out. Mike Freedman, a Green Beret, calls it the “thank you for your service phenomenon.” To some recent vets — by no stretch all of them — the thanks comes across as shallow, disconnected, a reflexive offering from people who, while meaning well, have no clue what soldiers did over there or what motivated them to go, and who would never have gone themselves nor sent their own sons and daughters.
Mr. Garth, 26, said that when he gets thanked it can feel self-serving for the thankers, suggesting that he did it for them, and that they somehow understand the sacrifice, night terrors, feelings of loss and bewilderment. Or don’t think about it at all.
The idea of giving thanks while not participating themselves is one of the core vet quibbles, said Mr. Freedman, the Green Beret. The joke has become so prevalent, he said, that servicemen and women sometimes walk up to one another pretending to be “misty-eyed” and mockingly say “Thanks for your service.”
A few months ago my wife and I were eating dinner at a local restaurant. The table next to us had a young couple, he was wearing his uniform, his father and another friend (Maybe a brother). As they got up to leave his wife left something on the floor behind her chair. (Let's say it was her purse.) My wife got up went over and pointed it out. They were kind of laughing that she always leave something behind.
It was at this point that my wife looked at the young soldier and said, no thank you for your service. Because of what took place prior to my wife telling him this he went a step further and explained to her that, for the most part, they don't want to hear this.
I joined in and together we told the young man that our son had served as well and was wounded while in Afghanistan and then named a few groups that we had sent our money. He said that was different. He said that we understood what our son went through. We told him not really. We know some of the stories. Almost none of the bad ones were relayed to us by our son as he doesn't want to talk to us about them. He nodded.
He went on to tell us if we do want to show support we should join a support group that actually does something. We rattled of several that we belong to. He smiled. My wife hugged him and we went back to our dinner and they went on their way.
I have watched my son over the past 10+ years with this "thank you" phenomenon. When he first joined the local National Guard unit people were thanking him all the time and he was embarrassed. He only spent a few hours a week at the local armory or at one of their training camps. He didn't feel like a real soldier. He had not even had Basic Training yet. So he and I talked about it. He was 18.
It took a while but finally accepted the thanks for all those soldiers who had gone before him and had sacrificed time, limbs, lives, families, jobs and whatever else. Because he was standing in front of the person giving the thanks and the other soldiers were not.
After he returned from Afghanistan his thinking was a lot closer to the other young men in this article. The more time went by the less he wanted to hear a stranger tell him thank you. He never told me until I told him of our conversation in the restaurant.
For the most part these are young men and women. It is hard for them to sort out who is genuine in their appreciation and who is just giving lip service because it is the culturally correct thing to do.
Keep in mind that the first 100 or 1000 people who say the same thing to you is tolerable. When it reaches tens of thousands of times you begin to hate it.
These days I mention first that my son served as well so I sort of understand what they went through. Then I tell them that I really do appreciate the sacrifice that they and their family went through. It takes a little more time to say all of that but the responses I get are a lot more favorable.
If you have not had someone serve but you still want to show your appreciation support an organization that actually provides service to those in uniform not those groups that are really good at raising money in the name of the military but then don't use the funds for the service men and women.
Better yet buy their lunch when you see them sitting in a local restaurant.