And Wade...the underlying "social problem" we have is the insistence that children be so insulated from every little bump in life that, having never experienced a bad situation or down moment where someone was not there to soothe them or clean up the mess, they possess no coping skills whatsoever. Lifes first punch can floor you, if you have never experienced little bumps along the way....kinda like anti-venom for snake bites.
"digsthepack" wrote:
I don't dispute that this is part of it. Perhaps a really big part of it.
But I do think despair is more complicated a problem, too. Unless one is a complete sociopath, one has desires both to "be unique" and to "belong." These desires, and their potential to conflict, don't go away just because we find ways to cope with them when the conflicts are infrequent or small.
But the problem with a society that emphasizes conformities too much is that those conflicts happen all the time and both big and small. And the conformity pressures force choice more often.
Choices that demand giving up one or the other essential part of the self.
Take me. In many ways, I'm the classic "do my own thing loner." I need a lot of quality time alone. Give me a book, give me a writing or research project, let me play with ideas or work a logic problem, and I am happy as I get. And I can't stand schmoozing or babbling talk that comes at most "social hours" and "networking ops" and "cocktail parties." When I go to such things I end up either being the wallflower, or getting in one long conversation with two other people, or getting drunk. I like quiet. I like silence. I like being away from people.
But at the same time, I need social contact in a way loners do not. I need deep conversations. I need people who respect my ideas, who listen to me rather than just dumping their negative "black hat" criticisms. I need to know that what I value is valued by others who I regularly work and interact with. And that's true not just of what I do "for them", but with respect to what I do when I'm off alone.
Over the years, I've had lots of advice from people. Most of it has taken two forms: Either they tell me to be less of a loner, less anti-social, less self-centered, etc. Or they tell me to worry less about what other people think of me, to just do my own thing and fuck the world, etc.
Almost all of that advice has been well-meaning. But what it has often done is encourage me to move more out of balance. I listen to the "less loner" talk as justification to withdraw more than I should; I listen to the "be more social" talk as justification to worry more about what other people think.
Or, and this can be even worse, but happens more often the older I get, I just respond "they don't just get it" and fail to listen to the advice I should be listening. And not listening, I get more out of whack.
And the farther out of whack I get, the more attractive submission to the despair demon becomes. And the worse my ability to judge becomes.
That's why I call it a demon -- the essence of despair is an impaired ability to judge. And its why "pulling oneself up by one's own bootstraps" is so problematic a solution for those suffering despair: bootstrapping requires a higher-than-normal level of judgment, and the sufferer's level of judgment is lower-than-normal.
To put it another way, despair (or its various "depression" cousins) is more than a lack of coping skills. When social standards for "coping" require not just "balancing" of one's essential needs, but requires us to choose between them, that's encouraging the demon's development.
If we tell people: "Starve without food. Or freeze without a winter coat. Choose," we're essentially telling them to choose the manner of their death.
That's why too much emphasis on social conformity is so dangerous. It tells the individual, 'You can do your own thing and we'll beat you up, or you can conform and kill a part of yourself."
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)