Pack93z
15 years ago
What would I do?

I would be very respectful of privacy.. IE not hacking into her accounts, but instead having very open lines of communication with her and building a high level of trust between you.

Why?

Because you will never be able to monitor her 24/7.. and shouldn't.

Control what you can control, meaning guidance in her decision making processes.. like your Y conversation... lay out your thoughts on situations...

She is 13 going on 18.. those 5 years will fly by.. by developing that trust and conversation now you not only are building the best defense you can now.. it will extend out years past that. When all the control you will have is that trust and open dialog to assist her.

I am a very overbearing person.. mild control freak, and it isn't easy letting my kids have a range of privacy... but I find it very effective and in the end less stressful on all parties.
"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
Zero2Cool
15 years ago

What would I do?

I would be very respectful of privacy.. IE not hacking into her accounts, but instead having very open lines of communication with her and building a high level of trust between you.

Why?

Because you will never be able to monitor her 24/7.. and shouldn't.

Control what you can control, meaning guidance in her decision making processes.. like your Y conversation... lay out your thoughts on situations...

She is 13 going on 18.. those 5 years will fly by.. by developing that trust and conversation now you not only are building the best defense you can now.. it will extend out years past that. When all the control you will have is that trust and open dialog to assist her.

I am a very overbearing person.. mild control freak, and it isn't easy letting my kids have a range of privacy... but I find it very effective and in the end less stressful on all parties.

"pack93z" wrote:



I've tried giving her a wide range of privacy as I know how important that is to a kid and person. There has to be consequences for actions. She is using Keiana's laptop to go on Facebook because its blocked on her laptop. She started getting F's in school. She brought a boy into my house. She was hanging all over a boy outside of my house.

There's countless things she's been doing that have caused this gradual frustration and its the disrespect of simple rules that bothers me the most.

The more latitude I give her, the less respect she shows towards other common sense things in life.

I want to be able to say ... do as you'd like ... which is what my father did for me. I took his method as he didn't care about me or what happened to me. He never concerned himself with what I was doing, he simply asked that I tell him when I'll be back home and where I was going. I could stay out until 4am and he wouldn't care. His motto or saying was 'as long as your not hurt and not hurting anyone else, i trust your choices'. He later (recently actually) told me he gave me that latitude because he knew it was up to me to sink or swim in life.

I want that with Lydia, but she keeps doing these things that make me more cautious and makes it harder to trust that she will indeed do as I feel ... the right thing.

This past year she's shown no respect to rules at all. And I don't run with a lot of rules, much like this site, I don't believe in them all that much. More rules you have, the more others try to 'beat' them.

I gave her an email and facebook account awhile back. She got grounded from it because she was failing three classes. She got her homework all in and grades back up this past Friday. So, that meant she would have access to it again and would be ungrounded and could go to the Y starting this Friday again.

Now after this ... what the hell? She circumvented the grounding and I'm supposed to reward with MORE freedom? I just don't see how that benefits her because it gives the impression "hey i can do what i want and still get the perks" ... and thats just not how life is.
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Pack93z
15 years ago
Never stated that she was to be given total freedom.. of course when she defies the rules there is to be consequences.. and expected rebellion on her part.

Never said it was easy.. and you are now describing a progressed line of action...

Personally.. know my children as I do.. it would be a long term reduction of their freedoms.. IE friends houses, sports, and PC time in my house.. and a very slow road to gaining them back..

I don't know her personally and what she would respond to.. again.. there is no cookie cutter approach.. and there definitely is no set in stone plan to use to raise a child.

It has taken me their lifetime to get to this point and level of progression.. and tomorrow it might alter course and never be the same again.. and I will be left in the same position looking for answers as well.
"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"
4PackGirl
15 years ago
yikes, kev. she sounds alot like me at that age - although not the bad grades. i was very interested in guys. i didn't dress like she does but i still got my fair share of 'action' - i was older than her but still.
keep the lines of communication open - when she becomes sexually active, get her on birth control immediately! don't tell her to abstain cuz it won't work.
right now, she's confused, hormones raging, & she's experimenting & pushing every boundary she's ever had...that's normal.
build up her self esteem as much as you can - her self worth will have a HUGE determining factor in how she conducts herself in the future.
if she feels like shit, she'll act like shit.

thank you God for sending me boys! amen!!!!! 😃
Zero2Cool
15 years ago

Never stated that she was to be given total freedom.. of course when she defies the rules there is to be consequences.. and expected rebellion on her part.

Never said it was easy.. and you are now describing a progressed line of action...

Personally.. know my children as I do.. it would be a long term reduction of their freedoms.. IE friends houses, sports, and PC time in my house.. and a very slow road to gaining them back..

I don't know her personally and what she would respond to.. again.. there is no cookie cutter approach.. and there definitely is no set in stone plan to use to raise a child.

It has taken me their lifetime to get to this point and level of progression.. and tomorrow it might alter course and never be the same again.. and I will be left in the same position looking for answers as well.

"pack93z" wrote:



I never said it was going to be easy, lol.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I haven't had the opportunity to discuss this with her as of yet. I don't want to over react on it though. Her mom wants to 'kill' her, but I think that approach will drive her farther away. In the same tone, I don't want to simply dismiss it all either.

She's in Tae Kwon Do, Girl Scouts and Dance. She wants to get into cheerleader, eek.


Another thing that irks me. We were all watching a movie in the living room. She gets up, disappears for 20 minutes then comes back. I didn't much care about it. Turns out, she went into Keiana's room, used Keiana's laptop to hit up Facebook and was posting comments like 'Quinn you really look like a fag in this pic'. Then comes back an sits down next to me like nothing happened.

Don't do anything, don't do too much, etc ... argh ...
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Zero2Cool
15 years ago
Monday after work, Lydia and I had a little two hour discussion. I came into the room, threw her pictures up on the 26" screen and I asked her if she had anything to say, she sulked her head down, said 'no, ... i dont know'.

Sunday I already spoke to her about the perception excessive make-up gives off.

I asked her what she wanted, what will make her happy, etc ...

So we made a list of things she wants to do or have. A few times she said "i would like this but i know my actions mean i dont deserve it".

I told her we were starting over, no more being grounded, no more restrictions, etc ... we're going into this fresh, all new. She looked surprised. I said we've been bumping heads the last year and i've grown tired of it. You make bad decisions, I ground you, you go behind my back making more bad decisions. It's a vicious cycle thats getting us no where.

I told her that I'd grant her privacy and let her have a facebook account, provided that she has her mother and I on it, in return, we won't go into her messages or emails.

She wants to be able to text her friends. To meet me half way, she agrees to pay for it.

She wants an iPod, she'll pay for it, but wants my help budgeting her money.

For everything she wanted, I told her for me to give her what she wants, I need her to give me something in return. The only she she wanted and she isn't getting is a boyfriend. I said that's reasonable to me, but why should I be okay with you having a boyfriend. She says "because ... having a boyfriend will make me feel better about myself". Well that nailed that one in the coffin.

That spurned another rather lengthy discussion on how she needs to be happy with who she sees in the mirror before she can allow someone else to make her happy. My thought is, if you can't make yourself happy, no one else can do it either.

I even agreed to her wearing makeup under ONE condition, she gets taught how to wear makeup by her mother and ONLY wears it as she was taught by her mother. I told her why girls where make up, for good and for bad.



All in all, I think and hope we'll be better off this way. I'm doing something
I always wanted to do, but was always too paranoid to do ... give her the choice on which path in life to take. I told her she was going to be heart broken, betrayed, hurt ... etc all the things that happen in life and stressed to her that no matter the issue, how personal, how small, how big it is ... that I want her to feel comfortable coming to me with it, even if it was about sex. That's where she got uncomfortable, lol.

She has more freedom now than she ever thought she could have. She asked why I was doing this ... I told her because I want you to trust me, and I want to trust you. And if I educate you well enough I won't need to watch every move you make, every comment you say, because you'll do the right thing based upon what I've taught you.

I'm hoping for the best, we'll see how it all goes. My next task is trying to find a damn text messaging device for a reasonable cost for her to use.
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Packers_Finland
15 years ago
I'm absolutely amazed at how well you were able to communicate and solve issues you presented in your last post.

I think 13-year-olds are old enough to have boyfriends though, but it's your kid and not mine, and since I don't have a kid of my own I don't really have the perspective for it.
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Wade
  • Wade
  • Veteran Member
15 years ago
Well done, Kevin.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
Formo
15 years ago
Nice.. Let us know how that worked out man.
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Thanks to TheViking88 for the sig!!
IronMan
15 years ago
There is no way I could be a parent. I have NO patience. None. That is my greatest weakness, and sometimes, strength, as well.


NOT talking is probably the worst thing you can do, in ANY type of relationship. So it sounds like you're going in the right direction.
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