Thanks. I don't really mind the boyfriend part if it's for more solid reasons than 'to make me feel better'. I just think it's wrong for a individual to feel the need to be WITH someone to feel better about themselves. I disagree with that thinking.




Thanks, but we're only one day one ... so far so good. She's loving the use of her laptop and the freedom. I tried informing her that with such freedom comes great responsibility.


Honestly, I'm nervous as a gerbil surrounded by five cats.

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Shaaaaweeet! Sounds like Lydia is gonna get a pay as you go texting phone from a member of PH!

Very awesome!!

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That whole conversation seemed very respectful and reasonable. I had a similar conversation with my mom when I was 15 and life for both of us got a lot better and easier. I hope this works out well for both of you.

WOW. Just WOW!

I am so glad my days of raising a 13 year old girl are long gone. I miss having a little girl but don't miss what you are going thru at all.

My daughter's "Special time" started at 10! WAY TOO EARLY.

I don't know what I would have done if my wife did lead the way.

As to your dilemma, communication is the key. And you are doing that and doing a great job.
Be prepared to start over and over and over and over again.

One day (In about 10 years) you will get a letter from your daughter like I got from mine. I carry it with me every single day.

It begins-



Just keep on being the good father that you are. Love her, listen to her. I use to take my daughter on dates and tell her what to look for/expect from a boyfriend. And to not settle for anything less. I would clean the car out. I would leave the house and then come back and ring the door bell.

Good luck.

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two cents from a father of a nice Kid. a 20 yr old son.

Communication is key. Never dismiss their thoughts or ideas no matter how different from yours. Validate them before presenting what you feel is a better alternative.

Rules of the house HAVE to come with communication of what the consequences are BEFORE the rulles are enforced. i.e. curfew is 10 pm. if you are not home by then consequence is one week of no computer. Then, most importantly, you must administer the punishment as promised. Do that a couple of times and she wont cross the line again.

What is not fair is if you make up the punishment AFTER the crime is committed. Shows no consistancy and her thoughts are ,"well, its not fair and he is out to punish me".

always view EVERY event as a teaching moment. How you act, speak, punish. She is watching you and watching you closely.

Also talk about how good decisions lead to more opportunities in the future. More options. A better life is one full of options. i.e, make the decision to get better grades leads to more options for college and lifestyle.

Poor decisions on the other hand, lead to less options. Decide to have sex can lead to getting disease and/or pregnancy. results in less options for freedom, school, guys (most guys wont date a 16 yr old mom).

finally the "wanting to feel better about herself" as the reason for having a boyfriend is very dangerous. indicates possible lack of self esteem. Is she getting encouragement from you? mom? Do you make her feel good about who she is?

Generally, girls who are easy are ones who feel who they are is not enough for a boyfriend therefore they must "put out" in order to have one. If she wants a boyfriend (a good one!) have her state before the relationship that under no circumstance is anything sexual going to happen. this will immediately seperate the good guys from those who want in her pants. And yes, at 13, sex is VERY prevalent. (just look at her pictures)

Ask her how she wants all of her friends to view her.... as a nice friend or a skank. Her actions will decide that.


Sorry about the frankness, but being frank, open, and honest will reward in the long run.

Good luck

oh, forgot, there is a book called "the strong willed child" by Dr. James Dobson. Best book I ever read about raising children. (or managing people too for that matter).

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Communication. This is alone the key to this challenge, and it seems as though you have started this well Kevin.

Now.

As far as the pictures. This should not worry you. Christ they are taken in a public bowling ally and what appears to be an arcade. Beats the crap out of pictures taken in a basement of a some house with empty beer bottles in the back ground.

The Make Up.

Here is my advice. Take the best and leave the rest Kevin.

She is going to wear it. If you do not buy it for here she will borrow it or steal it. I went through this, and like you it was not my own blood and flesh.

Angie was exactly 13.

On the advice of a friend. I took her to a high end salon that also did make up for weddings and prom nights. The make up specialist sat her down for an hour and showed her how to accent her features, and stressed less is better. I did not stay, I did not watch. I left her there.

I picked her up. She had a little package to highlight what ever... It was a girl to girl thing from a pro to a 13 year old girl.

It worked like a charm. She would sit there in the morning before school and apply her subttle make up. She was prouder than anything, and even would show her friends what she learned.


She is becoming a lady. Help her become one.

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This forum better survive 20 years because I intend to come back to this thread for parenting advice.

I think you've handled it just about as well as you can Zero. However don't forget that children sometimes are not rational and hence make the wrong choices. Even with her new found freedom, I think it's important that she comes up with decisions/solutions for issues but seek your guidance before following through. This validate their decision making and responsibility. they may also have a poor concept of importance and may feel something that you think is important isn't to her and vice versa, and until she learns that, you might want to maintain an open line of communication rather than just to trust in her to make all the decisions herself.

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It's comforting to read others saying to do exactly what I'm doing. With the items she wanted or things she wanted, there was ground rules set in place, and I'm writing them down and she'll have a copy of them as well. We're both agreeing on 'fair' punishment too.

The pictures as I told her too, are not a big concern. At first, yes, I was upset, but thinking back to myself as a kid, was it that big of a deal? No. I told her she's going to do things like that and I can't stop it, the only thing I can do is educate her on making good decisions. The thing that really bit me hard was her leaving us to go to Keiana's room and using her laptop after Keiana took the blame for Lydia using it just two days prior. THen she goes on her secret facebook account. I told her that bothers me most because it's blatant disrespect to me while I'm IN the house to make it worse.


Regarding the boyfriend stuff ... that's my fear too. I am always telling her how good she is at Math, how smart she is, whatever it is. I try to tell her that she's a pretty girl too. Her mother on the other hand from time to time will say "you used to be so perfect, what the hell happened!" ... that drives me nuts. Lydia's told me it bothers her too and she says she feels she has to be "perfect" and she can't. I told her she was never going to be "perfect" in the truest sense of the word, that no one is, except me. She laughed. You better not have. I know I hated being told I wasn't good enough when I was a kid. It's given me a complex even to this day. I never feel anything I do is ever good enough, I'm always trying to find ways to make this or that better. Dad was never able to say he was proud of me and that tore me apart. I am doing everything I can to ensure I don't make that mistake. When she gets good grades, I tell her I'm happy about it and proud of her. When she gets bad grades, I ask her how we can improve them what she needs help with ... trying to let her know that we're in this together. I probably don't say enough good things about her grades as I could though come to think about it.

I'll definitely have to look into that book.

I don't much mind the makeup thing if applied properly. The caking it on like a cheap dime store whore, that doesn't sit well with me. As you said, how do you want your friends to view you? I asked her that and when I had her looking at the pictures again she told me if it was her friend she would think 'shes slutty daddy' ... she hesitated on 'slutty' ... not sure if it was cuz its a 'bad' word or because she was calling herself a slut from her appearance.

I told her mother about the WPR thing where he'd take his daughter out on dates. She really liked the idea and thinks it'd be a good thing for me to do. So I think we may start doing that in near future here.

I also like the idea of having her laying the groundwork before dating someone too.


Good stuff guys, thanks!

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I'm fairly confident it'll still be around. You can print the thread off as well, there's a print icon towards the top. :)


I hope so ... I've tried explaining it as well as I can to her that I'd rather her make correct decisions than me forcing her to. I just don't think anyone grows up with someone holding their hand in life and I was mistakenly trying to do that. I guess its hard to let go sometimes, but I think that's what I have to do ... otherwise she'll never learn to fly.

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Zero, the dating is something I tried to do with my baby sisters.. Although I didn't start it until a few years ago, it still has helped to build a very strong relationship between us. It's also something I plan on doing with my daughter, starting off around 10-12 age group. Just take her out on a nice dinner every year for her birthday and treat her like a princess. Treat her RIGHT. Exactly what WPR said.

As for everything else, sounds like you are very much on a good track.. Like I said, let us know how things turn out or work.. Because much like Engineer, I'm definitely taking mental notes.. lol

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