zombieslayer
13 years ago
4Pack - What Dakota said.

Please, if not for yourself, do it for your kids. Your kids don't need to grow up into that bullshit.
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4PackGirl
13 years ago
thanks so much guys. just letting it out made me feel alot better. i keep alot to myself about my marriage because i feel like a damn failure again. i actually sat down yesterday with the boys & talked to them about the way dan is acting. not sure how much two 9 year olds can process it but i wanted them to know how upset i am by the way things are going. i reassured them that they are always my top priority. i asked them if they're ever scared by him & they said not really. but they said after they go to bed, they worry that dan might do something to me. WTF???!!!??? eye opener!!! i left a verbally abusive relationship because i didn't want my kids seeing that & now i'm in another one. when he got home from work last nite, he acted like nothing happened & everything should be ok. i could barely speak to him. when i get quiet & start to think, he gets worried.

i'll be looking into counseling/therapy/anger management services today. i'll talk to him about the options, tell him i want to be there for him, but i can't be if the behavior continues. thankfully i have family who i know will be there to help us through whatever is to come. i just don't know when to talk about this with my mom. ugh! i feel like such a complete & utter idiot. and a failure as a parent. how could i put my boys in this kind of situation again? why can't people just be honest from the start? i was. all my 'baggage' was out on the table from the beginning. oh well - enuf of the regrets & bs.

time to make a plan.
dfosterf
13 years ago

thanks so much guys. just letting it out made me feel alot better. i keep alot to myself about my marriage because i feel like a damn failure again. i actually sat down yesterday with the boys & talked to them about the way dan is acting. not sure how much two 9 year olds can process it but i wanted them to know how upset i am by the way things are going. i reassured them that they are always my top priority. i asked them if they're ever scared by him & they said not really. but they said after they go to bed, they worry that dan might do something to me. WTF???!!!??? eye opener!!! i left a verbally abusive relationship because i didn't want my kids seeing that & now i'm in another one. when he got home from work last nite, he acted like nothing happened & everything should be ok. i could barely speak to him. when i get quiet & start to think, he gets worried.

i'll be looking into counseling/therapy/anger management services today. i'll talk to him about the options, tell him i want to be there for him, but i can't be if the behavior continues. thankfully i have family who i know will be there to help us through whatever is to come. i just don't know when to talk about this with my mom. ugh! i feel like such a complete & utter idiot. and a failure as a parent. how could i put my boys in this kind of situation again? why can't people just be honest from the start? i was. all my 'baggage' was out on the table from the beginning. oh well - enuf of the regrets & bs.

time to make a plan.

Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl 




Dump the dude, marry Wade, and be done with it.

Problem(s) solved.

See how easy that was?

Seriously, sorry for your troubles, I hope things work out for you.

DakotaT
13 years ago

Dump the dude, marry Wade, and be done with it.

Problem(s) solved.

See how easy that was?

Seriously, sorry for your troubles, I hope things work out for you.

Originally Posted by: dfosterf 




But then she'd have to live in Iowa, and with Wade's cooking, we'd all be sad that she put on a good 30 lbs.
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Zero2Cool
13 years ago

thanks so much guys. just letting it out made me feel alot better. i keep alot to myself about my marriage because i feel like a damn failure again. i actually sat down yesterday with the boys & talked to them about the way dan is acting. not sure how much two 9 year olds can process it but i wanted them to know how upset i am by the way things are going. i reassured them that they are always my top priority. i asked them if they're ever scared by him & they said not really. but they said after they go to bed, they worry that dan might do something to me. WTF???!!!??? eye opener!!! i left a verbally abusive relationship because i didn't want my kids seeing that & now i'm in another one. when he got home from work last nite, he acted like nothing happened & everything should be ok. i could barely speak to him. when i get quiet & start to think, he gets worried.

i'll be looking into counseling/therapy/anger management services today. i'll talk to him about the options, tell him i want to be there for him, but i can't be if the behavior continues. thankfully i have family who i know will be there to help us through whatever is to come. i just don't know when to talk about this with my mom. ugh! i feel like such a complete & utter idiot. and a failure as a parent. how could i put my boys in this kind of situation again? why can't people just be honest from the start? i was. all my 'baggage' was out on the table from the beginning. oh well - enuf of the regrets & bs.

time to make a plan.

Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl 


From experience of being a 9 year old seeing more things than a 9 year old should, to socializing with my daughters when they were 9, I can assure you they process a lot more than we tend to give them credit.

Him being worried when you're quiet and thinking, that's a males normal response to ANY woman who is quiet and thinking. We instantly know, we are in trouble. That's just a factoid of life.

A few things, quit being selfish, you are NOT a failure. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Never EVER consider yourself a failure or an idiot because you made a valiant attempt at/for love. I know many who would rather be 'safe' and single than give love a try.

The position you put the boys is called life. Learn from it, show them that it's okay to give it your all, sometimes it doesn't go how you want, sometimes it does, but in the end, no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get your ass back up and be ready for what life has to offer you next. From what I know about you, you're doing just fine, although emotionally you're probably a wreck, which is expected when one gives themselves to love, or the pursuit of love and they begin to feel they are chasing pavement.

As for Dan, I would urge you to understand he probably kept it close until after marriage because he wasn't comfortable letting the truth out. The fact that he has told you is most surely a huge step for him. If he didn't want help, even subconsciously, he would not have ever told you. The best thing you can do for him is be there, which, I am going to go out on a limb here and say, that's something no one's done for him before. If you truly love him, tell him, tell him you love him, tell him you are going to be there through the good, the bad and if necessary the ugly as long as he is making an EFFORT to get better and PROGRESS is being made... that you will be there. Men are inherently stubborn and on the outside want to do everything on "our" own, but fact of the matter is, it's sometimes a reflection of our fear to ask for help.
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4PackGirl
13 years ago
i know i'm not a total failure. i just want to shelter my kids so much. they've been thru alot but they've grown into amazing little guys. they know that life isn't always pretty & perfect so i guess that's a good thing. they actually asked me if we would get a divorce & i said i didn't know at this point but no matter what, the three of us will always be together & will always be ok.

i don't want to just 'give up' on this. i love him but it's hard to even look at him lately. he's nervous as hell. and it's because he knows he needs to change but he's scared about what's on the other side. i told him it's ok to be vulnerable & not a complete hard ass at all times. i told him all any of us want from him is his love. it seems so simple to me but for someone who was beaten constantly (once with a rubber mallet til he was unconscious) i'm sure it's not easy to give that love. he needs to learn how to show it. he thinks if he keeps everyone in line that he's showing his love.

when he gets home from work tonite, i'll be talking about options with him. i'll be there for him through this as long as progress is made - if not, i can't. it's a life changing proposition for him & i pray to God he grasps it with everything he has.
DakotaT
13 years ago
Julie, just don't corner him and give him ultimatums. Men hate that. Take him to a place where going through counseling would be his idea for the good of the family. Realistically your husband is a victim of evil deeds and needs compassion more than stuff like "you need to do this or that if you want to keep this marriage going."

I don't envy you right now, at all. My biggest argument with my cupcake is what version of washer and dryer we should have bought.

Keep posting cause now you have all us nervous nellies concerned about you. Good luck Julie.

Man when I look at the collective problems we've all brought to the table over the last couple years - it's insane. We don't even talk about football most of the time. Hell Random Babble is probably our best forum.
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dfosterf
13 years ago

Julie, just don't corner him and give him ultimatums. Men hate that. Take him to a place where going through counseling would be his idea for the good of the family. Realistically your husband is a victim of evil deeds and needs compassion more than stuff like "you need to do this or that if you want to keep this marriage going."

I don't envy you right now, at all. My biggest argument with my cupcake is what version of washer and dryer we should have bought.

Keep posting cause now you have all us nervous nellies concerned about you. Good luck Julie.

Man when I look at the collective problems we've all brought to the table over the last couple years - it's insane. We don't even talk about football most of the time. Hell Random Babble is probably our best forum.

Originally Posted by: DakotaT 




I was gonna say the same thing regarding ultimatums, etc. Good stuff.

4PackGirl
13 years ago
i have no plans to issue ultimatums. he already knows how i feel - we've discussed his anger in the past. his plan was to go to counseling this fall so it's time. i've been doing research today about adult victims of child abuse & as expected, this is gonna be a rough road for him & the rest of us.

for those of you blessed with an even remotely normal relationship with your significant other - be grateful.
Zero2Cool
13 years ago

i have no plans to issue ultimatums. he already knows how i feel - we've discussed his anger in the past. his plan was to go to counseling this fall so it's time. i've been doing research today about adult victims of child abuse & as expected, this is gonna be a rough road for him & the rest of us.

for those of you blessed with an even remotely normal relationship with your significant other - be grateful.

Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl 


No relationship is normal and anyone who says otherwise is wrong, flat out wrong. The fact that they are not normal is what makes them special to begin with.

Making plans to see the doctor, start working out, counseling, etc ... is wrong. JUST DO IT! It's too easy to put things off is the point I'm getting at here. Call'em up, make the appointment, set a schedule. No time? Fuck that, MAKE time. You live once, live happy.
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