thanks so much guys. just letting it out made me feel alot better. i keep alot to myself about my marriage because i feel like a damn failure again. i actually sat down yesterday with the boys & talked to them about the way dan is acting. not sure how much two 9 year olds can process it but i wanted them to know how upset i am by the way things are going. i reassured them that they are always my top priority. i asked them if they're ever scared by him & they said not really. but they said after they go to bed, they worry that dan might do something to me. WTF???!!!??? eye opener!!! i left a verbally abusive relationship because i didn't want my kids seeing that & now i'm in another one. when he got home from work last nite, he acted like nothing happened & everything should be ok. i could barely speak to him. when i get quiet & start to think, he gets worried.
i'll be looking into counseling/therapy/anger management services today. i'll talk to him about the options, tell him i want to be there for him, but i can't be if the behavior continues. thankfully i have family who i know will be there to help us through whatever is to come. i just don't know when to talk about this with my mom. ugh! i feel like such a complete & utter idiot. and a failure as a parent. how could i put my boys in this kind of situation again? why can't people just be honest from the start? i was. all my 'baggage' was out on the table from the beginning. oh well - enuf of the regrets & bs.
time to make a plan.
Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl
From experience of being a 9 year old seeing more things than a 9 year old should, to socializing with my daughters when they were 9, I can assure you they process a lot more than we tend to give them credit.
Him being worried when you're quiet and thinking, that's a males normal response to ANY woman who is quiet and thinking. We instantly know, we are in trouble. That's just a factoid of life.
A few things, quit being selfish, you are NOT a failure. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Never EVER consider yourself a failure or an idiot because you made a valiant attempt at/for love. I know many who would rather be 'safe' and single than give love a try.
The position you put the boys is called life. Learn from it, show them that it's okay to give it your all, sometimes it doesn't go how you want, sometimes it does, but in the end, no matter how many times you get knocked down, you get your ass back up and be ready for what life has to offer you next. From what I know about you, you're doing just fine, although emotionally you're probably a wreck, which is expected when one gives themselves to love, or the pursuit of love and they begin to feel they are chasing pavement.
As for Dan, I would urge you to understand he probably kept it close until after marriage because he wasn't comfortable letting the truth out. The fact that he has told you is most surely a huge step for him. If he didn't want help, even subconsciously, he would not have ever told you. The best thing you can do for him is be there, which, I am going to go out on a limb here and say, that's something no one's done for him before. If you truly love him, tell him, tell him you love him, tell him you are going to be there through the good, the bad and if necessary the ugly as long as he is making an EFFORT to get better and PROGRESS is being made... that you will be there. Men are inherently stubborn and on the outside want to do everything on "our" own, but fact of the matter is, it's sometimes a reflection of our fear to ask for help.