I took my wife's car in to get an oil change this morning. Right across the road is Larchmont Golf Course. The 5th hole, a 210 yard par 3,parallels the road so I sat down at a picnic table in front of the oil change place and watched some of the golfers hack away in supposed fun and enjoyment. Another guy was sitting watching the action also.
Me: "Kinda like front row seats at the U.S.Open isn't it?"
Other Guy: "More like watching a contest in futility. Some of these guys are terrible."
A foursome comes up to the tee and three of the guys look like they played golf in a war zone. Cut-off camo shorts, t-shirts and ball caps on backwards. Push along golf carts that look like a truck had run over them. All three of them put their tee shots on the green within 15 feet of the flag.
The fourth guy looks like he just stepped out of the locker room at Augusta National. Lime green golf slacks, light yellow golf shirt, Nike hat, and a golf cart and bag that had to have been $$$$$. I sure his clubs were right up there in dollars too.
He tees it up, takes some practice swings, and addresses the ball, all the time looking like he can really play this game.
Good backswing, downswing looks good, but oops........head comes up too soon and he tops the ball and it rolls about 50 yards down the fairway.
"Son of a Bitch!! What the hell happened there?" Slams club into ground as he walks toward his ball.
The other guy sitting with me looks at me. "Bet he shanks this shot too."
Shot #2 goes about 20 yards. The divot goes about 50.
"What the F---? What's going on?"
By now me and the other guy are really trying not to laugh to loud. "Whatta ya bet he shanks all the rest of his shots?" I say.
"No bet....this guy needs some lessons before he goes out in a foursome."
Shots number 3,4,5,and 6 are no better. He's on the green in 6, barely, as he has about a 50 foot downhill put to the hole. And 10 feet beyond the hole is water.
Me: "At least 4 putts from there."
Other guy: "I'm guessing water on his first putt. It's downhill and I don't think his putting is any better than his iron game."
Mr. LimePants lines up his putt and strokes it towards the hole.
"Un, oh. He put a little to much into that putt. Looks like you're right on the water ball."
Ball zips past the hole, not even near the cup, and rolls full speed into Lake Larchmont.
Other guy: "I wonder if he's going to try to play it from there?"
Me: "I doubt it. I've golfed this course and the water drops to 5-7 feet deep right around the green there. Unless he's got scuba gear, he ain't gonna play that one."
Other guy: "Why do people play this game when they suck so bad at it? He should take up croquet or something."
Me: "And, I'll bet he gives himself a 4 on this hole. A guy like that only counts the good shots."
Other guy: "There weren't any good shots that I saw."
Anyone for a Weenie Roast?