How do you talk to 13 and 14 year old kids about death? How do you tell them that that's life...with death? How do you comfort these kids when one of their own, who just graduated from 8th grade with them is gone, and all they have left is the memories?

This past Sunday evening a young boy whom I had the privilege of being his PE teacher in Missoula for 4th and 5th grades, drowned in a small lake here in Lolo. He had transferred to Lolo School in the middle of this past year, and the first day he was in school I was substituting and he saw me and came up and gave me a big hug and a "Yo, how's it going Mr. F?" He finished his 8th grade year here, and was going on to Missoula Sentinel High School, and more than likely, get a football scholarship to a Division 1 school. Every day I was at school he would find me and we'd talk about football, the Packers, (he was a Steelers fan), and life in general.

Connor, his name, had a tough few years growing up. He was picked on quite a bit because his mother was white and his father was black. Many times he would come to me or Dale (counselor at school) and pour his heart out about how hurt he was that the kids picked on him. Fortunately, here at Lolo School he didn't get picked on and was a very popular kid.

Connors mother died at the end of his 5th grade year, and I went to her funeral and along with other teachers and staff, comforted him and tried our best to see that he was okay. Now, I will be attending his funeral.

Tomorrow afternoon is a memorial service at Lolo School, and his girlfriend and several of the teachers asked if I would talk at the service. I feel privileged that as a substitute teacher at school they would ask me to speak, but it is going to be hard, and I'm not sure what to say to these kids. Oh, I'll manage, but as I stated in the first sentence.......how do you talk to these kids about death? When we were 14 didn't we think we were infallible? That nothing would happen to us? Life is forever?

Your thoughts and prayers for Connor and his dad would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Bob

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I guess I would talk about how special the kid was being a mixed raced child in a predominately white community. How he handled the ribbing with dignity and what a rare quality that is in a human being.

When I was 17, I lost a dear friend to a car accident. Consequently putting me into a deep depression. Kids may be resilient in ways, but very fragile also.

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Dang tough one Bob

My thoughts....

They are of the age group that has to start learning that reality, however difficult, must be faced head on.
Connor can best be remembered as a young man that had to learn some of life's more difficult lessons early and with the help of other, caring people learned to deal with those obstacles head on. Was it easy, heck no, but he persevered. Connor was truly a hero in that regard.

Sadly Connor's life was cut way too short and there is nothing that us mere mortals can do about it.... but that it were different.
So I would address those young folks and challenge them to always keep a remembrance of Connor in their hearts. Perhaps tucked away, but always there.
And when they face obstacles in life, as they surely will, to bring that part of Connor back out.
And remember the courage of a young man named Connor, and honor him, by being the best person that they can be.
For to live a good and caring life, is the best way to honor his memory.

My deepest condolences to you Bob.... and to Connors father, my prayers go out to the man, for he has truly endured more than any man should have to.

One thing i would say is something like this: "This sad day shows you that none of us knows how long we, or our loved ones have on this earth. That is why it's so important to never leave a friend or loved one while angry at them. You never know when it might be the last time you get to see them and talk to them."

Another thing to remember Bob, is that he was lucky to have someone like you to turn to when he was going through struggles. When my Dad died, not ONE teacher or "guidence counselor" ever took the time to check on me, to see how i was doing. It made a horrible time even more unbearable. I had no one to turn to.He was lucky to have YOU to turn to.

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Thanks Dakota, Vikes, and Cheesey. You gave me some good things to touch on. I know one thing that will happen today, I'm betting the farm on it, and that's that all the kids there will bring out pencils and start tapping them as I'm talking. This was one of Connors habits.....drove everyone nuts.......but that kid could really drum with those pencils. So, I'm way ahead of them. Got me a big, big pencil about 15 inches long and put a metal cap on it. As soon as I see a pencil come out, I'll whip mine out and get them at their own game. I'll let you know what happens.

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I would talk about his accomplishments. I don't want to be remembered by how I die, but how I lived.

Even though his life was short, he still managed to make YOU know you were appreciated and YOU made a difference in someone's life. Talk about his life, his times, his accomplishments. His growing up.

Kids are people too. They have to know death, as they'll see plenty of it. If you live long enough, you'll outlive everyone you love. We all die.

Just talk. The right words will come.

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I don't know what I could really offer here. When I spoke at my mothers funeral and my grandma's ... I spent more time wiping tears away than I did speaking words.


It's always unsettling when one dies far before their time.

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I read this yesterday and ran from the subject as it is really hard for me to accept death to those that haven't lived a full life to as of yet.. so young, too full of life to be unplugged so soon.



Prayers are with Connor, his remaining family and network of friends.. Are they doing any type of memorial for the lad.. if so.. could you pass along an address. Thanks.





Bob I would imagine, by personality, that you are like a second father to hundreds of folks. Thank you for taking the time with Connor and others alike; giving them another soul to look upon, laugh with, cry with and embrace. Proud to say I have rubbed virtual elbows with you.. thanks.

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Well, the memorial service at school went well. In fact, it turned into a laugh fest as kids, teachers and community folks shared stories about Connor. Even though he was in Lolo for less than one year, he made a deep impression on everyone...he just was that type of kid. I was fortunate enough to know him from 4th grade on, and I shared some stories about him and his antics in my PE classes. Like the time he nailed me in a game of dodgeball, even though I was on his team, to the time he took out a girl playing 3rd base in a game of kickball. And the girl in turn took him out with a swift kick to you know where.

And, yes, the pencils were pulled out not long after I started. I gave the kids my meanest evil look, which they know isn't to evil, and we did a quick version of "Drums in Africa". Some of the parents didn't have a clue what was going on, but I gave them a brief explanation about Connors pencil drumming and offered them all pencils to play along with the kids. Connors girlfriend passed out over 200 pencils to people with the inscription on each pencil..."And the Beat Goes On."

There were lots of tears and lots more laughs, and I finished by saying to the kids; "Don't think of Connor as dead. Think of all the fun you have had with him. Remember the fun times and the laughs. Think of Connor as being 14 forever. I"m sure he has thoroughly ticked off the Good Lord by now with his pencil drumming. Someday I know I will meet up with Connor again, and when I do, I'm going to rip that pencil out of his hand, break it into tiny pieces, and give him a set of drums and some nice drumsticks, and tell him,'okay, now go take lessons and get into a rock band.'"

Thanks again to all of you.

Bob

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sorry to hear this Bob. My sympathies to everyone who knew the young man.

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