I hate Thursday nights.. I really do this time of the year.
It is the only night I try and do something for me.. and me alone. Something as simple as shooting darts and getting away from life and the struggles the brew within.
I am too prideful and expect to much of my failing body.. all I want is to be normal for a moment.. to be me again even for a shortest of periods.
And I push it.. I push what is left of me and I hurt both physically and mentally because of it. Physically.. the pain goes away after a short bit and is of little consequence.. but mentally.. knowing that my faint pulse of being me, breathing as the person I once was and probably never will be again takes a heavy toll on the root of my soul.
And I sit here, stuck in the middle.. too prideful to quit and wave that white flag.. but too far gone to be what I have always been.. a rock.
It is the rarest of moments that I feel completely mortal... and then I reminisce and dwell upon a poem once read.
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you dont
If you like to win but think you cant,
Its almost a cinch you wont.
If you think youll lose, youre lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellows will
Its all in the state of mind.
If you think you are outclassed, you are.
Youve got to think high to rise.
Youve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.
Lifes battles dont always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.
"C.W. Longenecker" wrote:
I know that tomorrow I will rise again.. take in that chilled air, buck up and roll through yet another day. But with it.. I will not forget the surrender I made of another piece of myself and strive to take it back next Thursday.
Then I struggle with the thoughts that I am shallow and think upon those that have a tougher road than I.. and how blessed I am to have all that is before me.. and I manage to balance it all and embrace today.
With that..
I said it once upon a time here.. but I wish to bring it back to the surface.
Embrace today.. live to laugh and see the sun shine down upon you in the now. Don't wait for tomorrow.. love what you have, change what you can and do your damnest to enjoy the ride.
"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I don't know what's going on with the papayas!"