Thanks Wade and Illy, and all that have given me some positive guidence.
It's a good feeling to know that there are those that care enough to at least try to help, try to understand.
I'll get through this.
It's funny, it's not just one thing, but the seemingly "piling on" that's happening. We have 2 old cars. A 2002 Chevy, and a 1992 Pontiac. Both have over 230,000 miles on them. The Pontiac (the car my wife likes to take to work) broke down. We think it's the alternator. Which we replaced with a rebuilt last spring. Of course it only had a 30 day guarentee. So it's sitting in the garage. The Chevy has a serious problem with the timing belt and the gears which make it run. Before the Pontiac broke down, i took it to the local mechanic to see if it was fixable. He said it would be about $1400 to do so, and with the car being that old with that much milage, it probably wouldn't be worth it. My wife has to drive that car now, as it's the only one we have. So i worry that she will break down (it's over 40 miles each way) and be stuck on the expressway.
Add that to my AND her physical problems (she has the break in one of her vertabraes in her back) and it just sometimes seems like i can't catch my breath.
But what you guys (and gal) say does help. It gives me an outlit (other then my yelling at God) to at least "unload" some of this baggage.
Again, THANK YOU!
I'll keep on trying/trusting

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I hate Thursday nights.. I really do this time of the year.

It is the only night I try and do something for me.. and me alone. Something as simple as shooting darts and getting away from life and the struggles the brew within.

I am too prideful and expect to much of my failing body.. all I want is to be normal for a moment.. to be me again even for a shortest of periods.

And I push it.. I push what is left of me and I hurt both physically and mentally because of it. Physically.. the pain goes away after a short bit and is of little consequence.. but mentally.. knowing that my faint pulse of being me, breathing as the person I once was and probably never will be again takes a heavy toll on the root of my soul.

And I sit here, stuck in the middle.. too prideful to quit and wave that white flag.. but too far gone to be what I have always been.. a rock.

It is the rarest of moments that I feel completely mortal... and then I reminisce and dwell upon a poem once read.




I know that tomorrow I will rise again.. take in that chilled air, buck up and roll through yet another day. But with it.. I will not forget the surrender I made of another piece of myself and strive to take it back next Thursday.

Then I struggle with the thoughts that I am shallow and think upon those that have a tougher road than I.. and how blessed I am to have all that is before me.. and I manage to balance it all and embrace today.

With that..

I said it once upon a time here.. but I wish to bring it back to the surface.

Embrace today.. live to laugh and see the sun shine down upon you in the now. Don't wait for tomorrow.. love what you have, change what you can and do your damnest to enjoy the ride.

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Well, your dart hit a triple-20 on that one, Shawn.

+1 for the poem, too.

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