Months back I had made mention of a lot of things/issues I was going through. I said I was going to try and talk about them, or open up a little here. I didn't, because I feel they are my problems that I caused somehow and need to resolve them internally. Shawn points this out to me often, that I'm stubborn and always want to do everything on my own when I shouldn't.
Depending on your perception of me, there's various reasons why I'm like that. If you care to know, it's because I've learned in my life the only person I can trust and depend on is the man I see in the mirror. Pretty sad, huh? I want to trust others, but everyone I have trusted has used it against me, or bailed saying my life/experiences are so horrible that they don't even want to hear about it because it depresses them.
I've been able to get a grip on several things and no longer feel like I'm sliding down a slippery slope, but that I've stop the sliding and need to start climbing back up. Not sure if that makes sense, it's just how I feel.
This is hard to even type, even knowing that I can delete it and no one would know. I've always taken great pride that I don't take pills of any kind, no medicine, nothing, perfect vision, perfect hearing and in good/great health. So, even admitting there may be something wrong with me is difficult. But I think my mom may have been right when she said I have anxiety issues.
I've been trying to trace it back when it first started and I can't. I remember the first time I noticed it. It was two days before my 18th birthday, I woke up at 10:02pm in a cold sweat, couldn't breath, couldn't think straight, I felt something was wrong, very wrong. I stood up in my room, started pacing like a caged animal. I eventually paced myself to sleep. During 4th period the next day in language class, Mr Neubauer came to our room and said he had an unfortunate announcement to make. Matthew Kellner had taken his life around 10pm last night. I knew Matt since the 2nd grade. We weren't best friends, but good friends. Very happy go lucky, religious fella. Weeks prior to this, I had got into an argument with my father and stormed out. I was content on sleeping on the benches at Bay Beach. Matt was driving to work at Elder Beerman and seen me walking. Asked if I needed a ride. He asked where I was going, I couldn't tell him I was planning on sleeping on benches in a park. I think he knew ... I tried playing it cool like everything was good, but I think he knew better. He always had positive things to say and talking to him made me realize how foolish I was being. He dropped me off near my house, which was only a football field away from his and he went to work. That's the last time I seen him, outside of school.
A month or so after his passing, I was at a party, ended up crashing with the girl in her bed. She woke me up, saying, what's wrong? You okay? I said "ya, ... yea im good ---- im fine ---- im okay". She asked why I was crying. I said i wasn't. Then she wiped the tears off my cheeks, I didn't even feel them. I don't cry, dad said it was a sign of weakness. And this was in front of a girl I just met the night before. I don't think mom ever seen me cry. This girl forced me to tell her. I had a dream about Matt and Larry. Larry is Matt's brother, who was kicked out of his parents house which is why Matt decided to play Russian roulette.
Matt came to where I was spending my nights. He said he can't live without Larry anymore. I told him he had to, that Larry would want him to be happy. He told me he just wanted to say good bye to me. I begged and pleaded for him to give me a chance to show him there was so much to live for. I took him roller coasters, baseball game, hot air balloon ride, tons of fun things. I thought I made a difference, I did everything I could think of to show him how much there was to live for. In this dream, I learned the next day that Matt still took his life.
"dream" wrote:
Shit, just typing that makes my eyes swell up all over again. The girl, Brooke was her name, told me the dream is telling me that there's nothing I could have done, that Matt would have taken his life no matter what I had done. I argued that. I could see Matt's house from where I lived. If I had been a better friend, I could have noticed the signs.
Kind of rambled there ... but that's where it started. I've associated that sick to the stomach feeling, inability to sit still, failure to stop my mind from racing like a F1 race car to the thought that something bad has happened, but to who, to what?
I used to think it was mom, so I'd call her, even at the most random times of night/early morning.
Mom: sleepy voice "hello?"
Me: "hey mom"
Mom: "whats wrong kevin, you okay, Keiana ok?"
Me: "im fine mom, you know that, i was jus seeing how you were doing"
Mom: "kevin, where are you?"
Me: "im walking"
Mom: "its 2am kevin, please go back home its not safe in your neighborhood"
Me: "I can handle myself mom, i grew up here. I just wanted to know your ok"
She absolutely hated it that I'd walk around the east side of Green Bay near bar close. She knew of the murders and gun shootings around Day St. I knew the risk, but it was like I needed it. I needed to be close to something bad, almost like to validate the bad gut feeling- to have an answer for it.
Even after hearing her voice, that she was okay, the feeling wouldn't subside that something was wrong. I still couldn't breath, couldn't think, had sickening feeling in my gut.
Mom said I may have an anxiety disorder. I don't think I do, because when I was playing football, baseball, basketball or even wrestling and I needed to come through with the game on the line, I was calm and performed. Few brief examples that prove my point.
Coach would say "Doogie!! no outs to give, this is whats about". After getting on base, 1st base coach would signal to steal 2nd. I knew why, ... because I could get home from 2nd base after tagging up on a pop fly out to get the winning run.
I got fouled a lot in basketball and had to hit free throws. There were two times I'd be at the line to tie or win the game. Coach would tell me "its just game kev, jus do your best". I'd see my teammates on left and right. I could see the doubt on their faces. I couldn't disappoint them, I had to make the shots.
While driving, I've been in some near horrific accidents-one that would have been fatal, but always escaped or corrected my vehicle without panicking.
In Milw I had a damn gun pointed at me. I didn't panic or freak out. I got out of the situation.
How the hell do I stay calm in those situations and always pull through if I have anxiety issues? This frustrates me beyond words, because with those situations, there's some small ones that I think, shit, maybe I do?
For instance, we had an all hands IT meeting yesterday. 100 people in the conference with another 100+ on the phones. When our head IT mentioned we had some employees who relocated, I panicked. I started to sweat a little, hands started shaking, mind was racing ... WHY?
In meetings it happens to. I try to pay attention, but start thinking of other things instead. We had a meeting about being on On Call and I kept thinking of how to make a method more dynamic in a different program I was coding. This meeting was important, I needed to pay attention.
Even here I don't like checking some threads because of that ... feeling. I fear I'll react wrong to someones rebuttal or if the thread is serious in nature that I'll come off wrong and hurt.
In 2005, I woke up and couldn't move. I've had this happen before, but this was different. I was fully awake, cognizant of my surroundings. I couldn't yell, my heart was racing, my left arm was tingling like thousands of needles were poking me over and over again. I couldn't feel my fingers. After a little bit I was able to breath again, gasping for air like I'd never breathed before. I hate doctors, I'll walk off a broken leg before going in. A friend of mine called a doctor and they said it could have been a mild heart attack. That's bullshit, I was 25 and in perfect health. Mom said it might have been a panic attack. It hasn't happened again that severe so I don't know, maybe she was right? Maybe it was just an anomaly?
I thought when Mom passed away that these feelings would stop, because I'd know she ... not able to be hurt. They've gotten more frequent to the point where my hands shake uncontrollably. Think of an engine in a car with poor motor mounts, that's how my hands get . My mind still races. My hands sweat.
I often joke about having ADHD because my mind flies from one thing to the next without skipping a beat. A few buddies of mine, specifically Evan have told me that I'll be talking about say the Packers and in the middle of a sentence I'll start talking about fishing. I laughed when he told me, and said it happens quite a bit. I'm worried about it now.
I wonder if this plays into it at all. When I was younger, even older, I'd be telling my dad about something and he'd say 'son hurry up, get to the point', so I'd rush through. I notice I do that even to this day. I'll have four points of the subject and I race through each of them to get them out hoping to keep the interest of the person I'm talking to.
Truth be told, I hate talking. (ur thinking "explain the post count!", i know i know). I prefer to talk to someone face to face, but hate it because after about 10 minutes, I start panicking, hands sweat, hands shake, wondering if I'm boring them, start getting frigidity. (
actually jus noticed im figgiting now) ... so I start making jokes. I think Alan can confirm that once our conversation got serious I quickly started making jokes.
I'm getting scared that something might be wrong with me. I blew up at Keiana Sunday during the Packers game. That's why I missed most of the 3rd quarter. I don't do that, that's not me. Things just don't get to me. She kept correcting me on everything in a very rude disrespectful way. And I said something and she snottily corrected me. I blew up. I actually yelled at her. I even slammed the door. It's embarrassing how I acted. I locked myself in my room, pacing back and forth, hands on my face, "whats wrong with me, why did i do that, she didn't deserve that". I collected myself a little while later and went to Keiana's room and apologized. I tried explaining she didn't deserve that tantrum, but has to understand she doesn't have to correct everyone and if she does correct someone to do it respectfully.
I'm not a physically emotional person, I don't cry. I've shed tears When my uncle passed, matt passed, mom passed and grandma passed. I apparently can't handle death well. Even while writing this, my eyes have swelled up a few times, I think that should tell you how hard this is for me to do, even though it's so minor and petty.
I just don't know what to do. Is there something wrong with me? is it anxiety? is it ADHD? Am I considering those as excuses for my own personal shortcomings and I need to be stronger? I don't like people feeling sorry for me, or complementing me. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But I know I've been through quite a bit and I don't know if I can be stronger. Mom used to tell me "you are not superman, you can not save everyone", but what if I can't even save myself?