Zero2Cool
13 years ago
I'm sitting in MIlwaukee airport now. I'll respond to these when I get home, or tomorrow.
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Zero2Cool
13 years ago
This thread, since posted, has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Finally had some time to read all the responses, thank you. I'm back home in Greely, CO now.

Regarding Keiana correcting me last Sunday ... she wasn't right and that is not what set me off, even if she would have been. I let her be right just about every time unless I feel it's something she needs to know. It was the tone, the words she used and the attitude in which she delivered said words. I am not raising a disrespectful child. She is normally very well mannered. This was just a slip up on her part, nothing more. She's 9, it's going to happen. The issue was with how I reacted to it, how I embarrassingly let other things build up and just snapped. I often times come off wrong when correcting someone and I'm trying to ensure she does better than me and I will not stop at anything to do so.

It's mind boggling that some here still don't understand why, when I know I'm wrong, I still push the issue for more details. I think many forget the purpose of a discussion board and my relationship to this board.

RaiderPride, you're the type of person that frustrates me the most. You're very condescending and patronizing in the most gross manner towards me. You take a few things I say and jump to conclusions, rather than an understanding. It's nearly impossible for me to understand when you're being serious to me, or patronizing me. I hate that, because I respect you greatly. Why do I respect someone that just takes me for face value and puts me down? Maybe its because when my mom passed away, you were one of few who gave me your number to talk to about it.



I want to make a few things clear.

I am NOT a depressed person, I am NOT unhappy and I do enjoy life. Others tell me my life is too hard, horrible, whatever, that's bullshit. I live a blessed life. I have great health, good family, perfect vision, perfect hearing, a career I love, and most importantly I have great daughters whom are equally healthy. One fear I had about posting this was some would take it as "Oh look, he's looking for attention", because, I don't feel I am. Maybe subconsciously, I am? It doesn't feel that way. I find positives in every aspect possible in my life and hoping to find some here.

I never did much as a child/young adult to make dad happy, other than not being in a gang like most kids in our area, or doing drugs/drinking. I remember one day coming home from school with all A's, two B's and a C-. First time in high school I had made honors. First time in three years I had grades higher than a C in anything (besides Gym). I was stoked. Dad chewed me out for hours about the C- that it was almost a D. I was disappointed that I upset him. I missed his point, which was the A's proved I could get the best grades and I let myself get a C-.

Something my dad strongly disagreed with me on was during snow storms, I'd drive my 4x4 on the highway, pulling people out of the ditches. Over the years I only found a few dozen and pulled'em all out. I only accepted money once, because my girlfriend at the time was along with me and forced me (I gave the $50 to her). I didn't want money. Think about this. You go in the ditch, that's scary shit. Someone comes by, out of the blue, has the ability to pull you out. That was me, I had a chance to "save the day" for lack of better term. The look on the persons face after they were back on the road, priceless. This relates to the site. I didn't create the site to receive money, which I've declined every time. I didn't develop it to receive compliments. That's not the reward I seek. My reward is reading others comments and enjoying their time here. That's what makes me happy, that's my price. My goal for everything is a good discussion. That's my motive behind nearly everything I do, or say here.







I visited my grandparents yesterday while in Wisconsin. Grandma sat me down and we started talking. Know what the first thing she talked about was? Anxiety. She told me her mother had it, she has it and my mother all had anxiety disorders. That surprised me. I hadn't even mentioned anything about it. She then harped on me for not opening up to anyone. I started telling her about a few things that make me wonder if mom was right about me having anxiety issues. Grandma asked me if I knew of a pill that would help me, would I take it? I couldn't answer, right away. I eventually said, "honestly, Grandma, I don't know." She called me stubborn. I told her that if I knew some tiny little pill could fix me, I'd question, why can't I? She had some other things to say about that, which I'm sure you can guess on your own. She's a very blunt woman, doesn't mince words at all. She asked if I had seen anyone about anxiety, I told her I did afew online "survey" deals. She asked what the results were and I said, "Well, of course it says I have an anxiety issue, but they won't say anything else other than they recommend you seeing a doctor, its a scam". She smiled at Grandpa, looked back at me said "do you know what thats called, its called denial Kevin".


I think some of you would have enjoyed what Grandma said to me. I told her that I was gonna try to get in to see a doctor in the next couple weeks before I get Keiana back. We'll see what happens from there.
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istanbulpacker
13 years ago
Zero,

Sorry I missed this post until now. Lots of good things have been said here by some good people. I think everyone has a stake in your well being. You are a friend and part of our community here. I've seen this board often described as a dysfunctional family. Well, when you hurt, we all hurt. That is what community/family is all about.

You say you have a hard time crying or showing emotion publicly. Well, my friend, you just did in a BIG way. Good for you.

I see people get their hackles up about some of your comments but then I also see a very sly, dry, sarcastic wit about you, especially in chat during the game. We probably have a similar sense of humor and that is why I get it. Sure if people met you IRL, the light bulb would click on and the perspective would change. So don't sweat people misunderstanding you sometimes. It happens in the written word.

I'm also no fan of "Better living through chemistry", I always WANT to be right (why would anyone ever want to be or intentionally say anything wrong???), and I internalize a lot too. So you're not alone there either. I would also be cautious of some B.S. test on the internet and wouldn't call it denial. In fact, I'd still be skeptical if a doctor prescribed it as anxiety. It seems like a too easy catch-all for "I don't know what is up with you but take some Prozac and see how that works." Its simple. In America, we like things simple. The hard part, as some have said earlier, is getting into your mind with a psychiatrist and digging deep, rooting around in old memories down in the cellar, and finding out what it all means.

Your post shows that you are extremely self-aware. That is a good thing. You know something is up and you think you have started to make ties between behaviors and their triggers. That is very good in my book. Means you may, in time, figure it out yourself. Means, with help, you'll probably figure it out quicker. While you do, we're all standing behind you, beside you, and with you to help you or just listen as you get it out.
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Zero2Cool
13 years ago
So, I thought I'd look some things up. Found a website that said "Steps in beating Anxiety" ... Step 1, see a doctor.

Shit.
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Nonstopdrivel
13 years ago
Yeah, but who is that website sponsored by? WebMD has a self-test for depression, and until recently, no matter what you answered -- even if you answered all 10 questions "no" -- it would respond that you were at significant risk for depression and should see a doctor. Of course, that test, which has only been slightly modified since receiving bad press, is sponsored by a pharmaceutical company aggressively marketing an antidepressant.
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Zero2Cool
13 years ago

Yeah, but who is that website sponsored by? WebMD has a self-test for depression, and until recently, no matter what you answered -- even if you answered all 10 questions "no" -- it would respond that you were at significant risk for depression and should see a doctor. Of course, that test, which has only been slightly modified since receiving bad press, is sponsored by a pharmaceutical company aggressively marketing an antidepressant.

"Nonstopdrivel" wrote:




I believe I mentioned this earlier, but I don't think any test will say 'hey you are fine!'. It's a scam and I do them with that understanding.
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Cheesey
13 years ago
I think they figure that if you are taking a "depression" test, chances are you do have a problem. Otherwise, why woulod you even take the test?
That's what i think they are doing, at least.
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Zero2Cool
13 years ago
This past weekend I started researching this "subject" again. I have some CD's called "Attacking Anxiety". They claim they have techniques that you can utilize that do not require a doctor or medication. I've listened to a couple of the sessions and it's kind of scary hearing other folks describe almost to a T what I'm feeling at times. Which is weird, because you'd think that would make me feel BETTER, because it's an indication that perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel.

I've made or thought of several personal goals and things to do over the summer to help bide my time. Figuring out this Anxiety thing is one of them as well as hoping to get a grip.


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Cheesey
13 years ago
There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, Zero. I have seen it too. But in my case it ended up being a TRAIN! LOL!
I think it always helps if you can talk to people that have the same problems like you do. When i was going through my cardiac rehab, i was always hoping to be able to talk to people that went through bypass surgery like i did. But all i had in my classes were people that had stents put in.
You are not alone. MANY people suffer from anxiety problems.
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