Months back I had made mention of a lot of things/issues I was going through. I said I was going to try and talk about them, or open up a little here. I didn't, because I feel they are my problems that I caused somehow and need to resolve them internally. Shawn points this out to me often, that I'm stubborn and always want to do everything on my own when I shouldn't.

Depending on your perception of me, there's various reasons why I'm like that. If you care to know, it's because I've learned in my life the only person I can trust and depend on is the man I see in the mirror. Pretty sad, huh? I want to trust others, but everyone I have trusted has used it against me, or bailed saying my life/experiences are so horrible that they don't even want to hear about it because it depresses them.

I've been able to get a grip on several things and no longer feel like I'm sliding down a slippery slope, but that I've stop the sliding and need to start climbing back up. Not sure if that makes sense, it's just how I feel.

This is hard to even type, even knowing that I can delete it and no one would know. I've always taken great pride that I don't take pills of any kind, no medicine, nothing, perfect vision, perfect hearing and in good/great health. So, even admitting there may be something wrong with me is difficult. But I think my mom may have been right when she said I have anxiety issues.

I've been trying to trace it back when it first started and I can't. I remember the first time I noticed it. It was two days before my 18th birthday, I woke up at 10:02pm in a cold sweat, couldn't breath, couldn't think straight, I felt something was wrong, very wrong. I stood up in my room, started pacing like a caged animal. I eventually paced myself to sleep. During 4th period the next day in language class, Mr Neubauer came to our room and said he had an unfortunate announcement to make. Matthew Kellner had taken his life around 10pm last night. I knew Matt since the 2nd grade. We weren't best friends, but good friends. Very happy go lucky, religious fella. Weeks prior to this, I had got into an argument with my father and stormed out. I was content on sleeping on the benches at Bay Beach. Matt was driving to work at Elder Beerman and seen me walking. Asked if I needed a ride. He asked where I was going, I couldn't tell him I was planning on sleeping on benches in a park. I think he knew ... I tried playing it cool like everything was good, but I think he knew better. He always had positive things to say and talking to him made me realize how foolish I was being. He dropped me off near my house, which was only a football field away from his and he went to work. That's the last time I seen him, outside of school.

A month or so after his passing, I was at a party, ended up crashing with the girl in her bed. She woke me up, saying, what's wrong? You okay? I said "ya, ... yea im good ---- im fine ---- im okay". She asked why I was crying. I said i wasn't. Then she wiped the tears off my cheeks, I didn't even feel them. I don't cry, dad said it was a sign of weakness. And this was in front of a girl I just met the night before. I don't think mom ever seen me cry. This girl forced me to tell her. I had a dream about Matt and Larry. Larry is Matt's brother, who was kicked out of his parents house which is why Matt decided to play Russian roulette.



Shit, just typing that makes my eyes swell up all over again. The girl, Brooke was her name, told me the dream is telling me that there's nothing I could have done, that Matt would have taken his life no matter what I had done. I argued that. I could see Matt's house from where I lived. If I had been a better friend, I could have noticed the signs.

Kind of rambled there ... but that's where it started. I've associated that sick to the stomach feeling, inability to sit still, failure to stop my mind from racing like a F1 race car to the thought that something bad has happened, but to who, to what?

I used to think it was mom, so I'd call her, even at the most random times of night/early morning.

Mom: sleepy voice "hello?"
Me: "hey mom"
Mom: "whats wrong kevin, you okay, Keiana ok?"
Me: "im fine mom, you know that, i was jus seeing how you were doing"
Mom: "kevin, where are you?"
Me: "im walking"
Mom: "its 2am kevin, please go back home its not safe in your neighborhood"
Me: "I can handle myself mom, i grew up here. I just wanted to know your ok"

She absolutely hated it that I'd walk around the east side of Green Bay near bar close. She knew of the murders and gun shootings around Day St. I knew the risk, but it was like I needed it. I needed to be close to something bad, almost like to validate the bad gut feeling- to have an answer for it.

Even after hearing her voice, that she was okay, the feeling wouldn't subside that something was wrong. I still couldn't breath, couldn't think, had sickening feeling in my gut.

Mom said I may have an anxiety disorder. I don't think I do, because when I was playing football, baseball, basketball or even wrestling and I needed to come through with the game on the line, I was calm and performed. Few brief examples that prove my point.

Coach would say "Doogie!! no outs to give, this is whats about". After getting on base, 1st base coach would signal to steal 2nd. I knew why, ... because I could get home from 2nd base after tagging up on a pop fly out to get the winning run.

I got fouled a lot in basketball and had to hit free throws. There were two times I'd be at the line to tie or win the game. Coach would tell me "its just game kev, jus do your best". I'd see my teammates on left and right. I could see the doubt on their faces. I couldn't disappoint them, I had to make the shots.

While driving, I've been in some near horrific accidents-one that would have been fatal, but always escaped or corrected my vehicle without panicking.

In Milw I had a damn gun pointed at me. I didn't panic or freak out. I got out of the situation.

How the hell do I stay calm in those situations and always pull through if I have anxiety issues? This frustrates me beyond words, because with those situations, there's some small ones that I think, shit, maybe I do?

For instance, we had an all hands IT meeting yesterday. 100 people in the conference with another 100+ on the phones. When our head IT mentioned we had some employees who relocated, I panicked. I started to sweat a little, hands started shaking, mind was racing ... WHY?

In meetings it happens to. I try to pay attention, but start thinking of other things instead. We had a meeting about being on On Call and I kept thinking of how to make a method more dynamic in a different program I was coding. This meeting was important, I needed to pay attention.

Even here I don't like checking some threads because of that ... feeling. I fear I'll react wrong to someones rebuttal or if the thread is serious in nature that I'll come off wrong and hurt.

In 2005, I woke up and couldn't move. I've had this happen before, but this was different. I was fully awake, cognizant of my surroundings. I couldn't yell, my heart was racing, my left arm was tingling like thousands of needles were poking me over and over again. I couldn't feel my fingers. After a little bit I was able to breath again, gasping for air like I'd never breathed before. I hate doctors, I'll walk off a broken leg before going in. A friend of mine called a doctor and they said it could have been a mild heart attack. That's bullshit, I was 25 and in perfect health. Mom said it might have been a panic attack. It hasn't happened again that severe so I don't know, maybe she was right? Maybe it was just an anomaly?


I thought when Mom passed away that these feelings would stop, because I'd know she ... not able to be hurt. They've gotten more frequent to the point where my hands shake uncontrollably. Think of an engine in a car with poor motor mounts, that's how my hands get . My mind still races. My hands sweat.

I often joke about having ADHD because my mind flies from one thing to the next without skipping a beat. A few buddies of mine, specifically Evan have told me that I'll be talking about say the Packers and in the middle of a sentence I'll start talking about fishing. I laughed when he told me, and said it happens quite a bit. I'm worried about it now.

I wonder if this plays into it at all. When I was younger, even older, I'd be telling my dad about something and he'd say 'son hurry up, get to the point', so I'd rush through. I notice I do that even to this day. I'll have four points of the subject and I race through each of them to get them out hoping to keep the interest of the person I'm talking to.

Truth be told, I hate talking. (ur thinking "explain the post count!", i know i know). I prefer to talk to someone face to face, but hate it because after about 10 minutes, I start panicking, hands sweat, hands shake, wondering if I'm boring them, start getting frigidity. (actually jus noticed im figgiting now) ... so I start making jokes. I think Alan can confirm that once our conversation got serious I quickly started making jokes.


I'm getting scared that something might be wrong with me. I blew up at Keiana Sunday during the Packers game. That's why I missed most of the 3rd quarter. I don't do that, that's not me. Things just don't get to me. She kept correcting me on everything in a very rude disrespectful way. And I said something and she snottily corrected me. I blew up. I actually yelled at her. I even slammed the door. It's embarrassing how I acted. I locked myself in my room, pacing back and forth, hands on my face, "whats wrong with me, why did i do that, she didn't deserve that". I collected myself a little while later and went to Keiana's room and apologized. I tried explaining she didn't deserve that tantrum, but has to understand she doesn't have to correct everyone and if she does correct someone to do it respectfully.

I'm not a physically emotional person, I don't cry. I've shed tears When my uncle passed, matt passed, mom passed and grandma passed. I apparently can't handle death well. Even while writing this, my eyes have swelled up a few times, I think that should tell you how hard this is for me to do, even though it's so minor and petty.


I just don't know what to do. Is there something wrong with me? is it anxiety? is it ADHD? Am I considering those as excuses for my own personal shortcomings and I need to be stronger? I don't like people feeling sorry for me, or complementing me. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable. But I know I've been through quite a bit and I don't know if I can be stronger. Mom used to tell me "you are not superman, you can not save everyone", but what if I can't even save myself?

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Wow......Kevin, I am PROUD of you! It takes alot bigger man to face and admit his problems then to try to pretend all is OK.
First, think about this. Whne the game was on the line, you had no anxiety. But i think that may be because you had the adrenilin (sp?) flowing in the "moment".
I would say you SHOULD see a doctor and tell him/her what you have stated here. I hate going to the doctor too, but sometimes it's the only RIGHT thing to do.
And though you were taught crying is a weakness, it's not. God gave tears to us to use as an outlit. They help release that built up pressure of pain or loss. As my Dad told me, "The shortest verse in the Bible is, "Jesus wept". You think he wasn't manly because he cried?"
Don't put off seeing a doctor. Problems like this, even if they arn't physical at the moment, may turn into physical problems later. That kind of stress on your body HAS to have an effect on you physically. And it's obviously is affecting your life enough that you felt the need to speak up. Which is GOOD!

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First and foremost it isn't an excuse to cover anything.

Secondly.. clinically I won't attempt to diagnosis anything, because I am not qualified to do so.. a couple of physiology classes.. well enough for a minor.

But from what you describe above I think a couple of things can be drawn, from my vantage point.

1. You can't rule out Anxiety issues because you perform under pressure in situations where people are present.. in those situations you don't have time or alone space to over analyze the situation and instead you do what comes naturally to you.. which is fulfill expectations. Self applied expectations, but expectations just the same.

2. Someplace in your childhood, probably relating to family breakup/separation issues you took the blame upon yourself, which is common in those situations.. and probably still haven't dealt with those yet.

3. The two above statements lead into the following situation, where left alone to think, probably over think, analyze and wonder, you work yourself up into a state of worry.. and because you can't answer the questions without confirmation from another party that everything is okay.. you reach out and want to validate that everything is okay so you can ease. Self protection mechanism.. and a good one because it will diffuse your current state of emotions and yes self induced panic on some level.

4. The above said, that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, more or less there are some underlying issues/questions that haven't been answered or resolved from someplace in your life.. could be something seen or said to you early in your development and it may have made a lasting impression. I won't continue down that path because those are personal matters in which you have to decide on how to address them. On that note.. don't be afraid to speak with someone about them... someone with proper training and has some tools that can help identify and sort them out.. maybe even to a sense of resolution.

With that.. I have probably overstepped my bounds and possibly made you uncomfortable.. if I did, I am sorry. Just being honest in what I see upon reading the above.

But I can relate.. albeit from different circumstances in life, but I have been in similar situations but I was the subject that I was trying to save.. and I was bullheaded, proud and defiant that I would resolve things on my own. Didn't happen that way.. I stressed my relationships, both family and friends for a number of years because I wouldn't talk and wouldn't address the root problem. It took a long talk with a uncle, in a very honest and open, extremely open to the point of being uncomfortable and tension filled until I understood it was okay to talk about it.. it was okay to share, it was okay to lean and it was okay to be honest with it and myself.

Until then, I couldn't identify the root issue, couldn't work on resolving it and ultimately couldn't find peace when I was by myself, alone with my thoughts and demons.

I have noted once before about finally opening up and talking with kids and in some cases specifically to individual kids themselves. That was a big part of my healing and moving on.. the path is not the same for everyone.

But this could be the start of your defining moment and dealing with it..


Or I could be completely off base and a rube for typing it.

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go to your medical doctor first.
then find a therapist.
i only know a small part of what you've been through in your life & you need to talk to someone.
luv ya kev.

I agree with 4Pack.

As for thinking something is wrong with you - there's something wrong with everyone. Well, everyone except Greg Jennings. Join the club, my friend.

Oh, and keep talking. This is a great step. you can be stubborn at times. We sincerely want to help.

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This. I can relate to a few of the things in your post. I have trouble talking to people in person. I just get nervous about everything I do. When I'm sitting on the couch with people watching TV all I can think about sometimes is if I'm sitting weird or my arms in an awkward positions or whether or not I have nose hair poking out. I have some extreme social anxiety problems but I've worked through them. A lot of that comes from some absurd notion I have that I have to be "normal" or that what I'm doing is "average." It probably delves into the fact that my parents got divorced when I was 4, I've had two different step-dads, a step-brother for 5 years. Basically my life was anything but normal. It led me to be a lot like you in the sense that I never feel I can trust someone. The only person I seriously rely on is myself and I feel I'm completely independent (besides mom, she helps me out financially with college). That's kind of the way it was. My mom grew up worse then me--she was sexually abused. But it got to the point where me and my sister couldn't pretend to play harry potter with wooden spoons as wands because my mom got freaked out because her mom used to hit her with wooden spoons. Ridiculous shit like that. I used to yell at my mom and make her cry. I can't remember why but I always felt so fuckin guilty about it. This also leads to issues I have dealing with women. I think all of them are untrustworthy she-devils LOL.

Sorry to post about my personal issues but you inspired me. None of us are completely sane or completely normal, something that took me a while to understand. If you lived anywhere near me I'd offer to meet you a couple times. You seem like a great, friendly and inwardly-motivated person that's had to deal with A LOT more shit in their lives than most people. I think what you need is to overcome your fears and stresses. I'm not doctor, I can't tell you how and it's never the same for anyone. We all conquer our problems in different ways. But the one thing I'd like to offer is support. Like you I've never trusted anyone to help me with my internal conflicts nor have I asked for help before but I have been on the giving end plenty of times and the people I've helped are extremely thankful despite the fact that all I did was listen. Sometimes all you need is someone to talk to.

Regardless sharing something of this caliber must be huge for you. It's a good step to not only acknowledge to yourself that you may be dealing with issues that negatively impact your life but it's another thing to relate those issues to other people.

If you want a phone number or need help with anything around the site I'd be glad to help you out.

I would agree that a therapist would be helpful - If he's ready to get help. If he wants it. I grew up with ADHD, was diagnosed with tourettes (which has seemed to disappear), as a result got a lot of crap in school which either created or fed into preexisting depression and anxiety issues. Ultimately, if you don't recognize that there's a problem and decide that it needs to be fixed. It seems like he's taken that first step, a very hard one at that.

As for medical doctors, I'm kind of with Kev on this one, but not quite as extreme. I've had some bad experiences, and I'm not quite sure what a medical doctor can do for him. Did you mean psychiatrist? Obviously, different treatments work differently for different people, but therapy in addition to drugs usually work best.

I guess all of that was directed at 4Pack, although I only wrote it because while I don't know exactly what you're going through Kev, I've got my own issues... Similar in some ways, different in others. You seem like a really strong person, but sometimes the strongest people are strong because they set themselves up with external support. pack93z's post is worth a good read. I guess I never feel qualified to tell people what to do when it comes to complicated problems like this, in some ways I think it's realistic and respectful but in other ways I don't know if I'm doing the right thing...

All I'm saying is, send me a shout if you need anything.

Zero, I'm pretty much a lock it all up inside me kind of person. The problem with that is that it is not healthy, if you don't have an outlet like exercise to deal with shit later. There can be many mental and physical problems for you down the road if you don't start dealing with these issues. And these issues can be from yesterday or 35 years ago. Stress is stress and if implosive it can be dangerous.

You sound like you pretty much know what is going on and what to do about it. Incorporate some good healthy exercise and diet, and start tackling some of those old demons head on, but take them on one at a time. There's no quick fix to any of this shit, but hell we live in a medicated country, so if that's what you need, there is no shame in that either.

Well I have my nightly date with my Cpap machine. I've been thinking about getting some Darth Vader PJs. Mrs Dakota has always liked Star Wars, maybe there's something kinky coming my way.

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i meant medical doctor in case there is something physically wrong. and therapist to work on any mind issues.

i HATE going to the doc. i HATE taking any sort of medication. but if my hands are shaking & i'm feeling like you are - i'm gonna figure out wtf's goin on - one way or the other.

Since everyone is being so honest. Allow me to do the same thing.

Get with the ficken program. Life is not about making excuses, yesterday is history.

Every morning you wake up you have a choice. You can make it a bad day, or you can make it a great day. You can look back or you can look forward. No matter how far East you walk you are one step from waking West.

Think about what your dear daughter said to you last Sunday. Perhaps she has a point. Perhaps you are inserting your challenges into her and she will pay for it later in her life. Fact is you do always have to be right. I personally have got to the point in chat where I just type in "Yes you are right." Just to end the freaking debate.

You state you do not like compliments, but you beg for them here all the time.

I fully expect you to come back and tell me "If you have a challenge with me PM me. You have said that before to me. Jesus Zero. Everyone has challenges in life.

If it is effecting your daughter perhaps you might not want to insist you are right all the time and end the argument by giving her a hug and saying.. "Your right baby, no one is right all the time."

Try this next time.... Just say:

"I may be wrong and often am, but I think this is the way it is."

Even if you know 100 % that you are right... Just say: "I MAY BE WRONG AND OFTEN AM, BUT THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL."

Just that simple way of phrasing it makes it a statement that makes you more soft, manageable, and non confrontational.

Get rid of the excuses. The bull shit of "This Is Why." That is all a load of crap.

Man up Kevin. Take control of tomorrow, by changing at this very moment. You obviously know what the problem is, you just spelled it out in detail in your post.

That is my opinion, my personality is to be frank. I do not have a challenge doing it when some one else asks for advice in a public forum.

Fact is... You can make excuses in life or you can make progress. But you can not make both.

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