I was thinking back to how I got so lucky with my wife.. And I remembered back when we were first dating, I wasn't one of those zipper in the back type of boyfriends that was pussy whipped. I told her how it was, how I was, and how if she tried to eff it up, that she was taking the shoe leather express to her next relationship. She totally respected that and me, and I fell in love.
One thing I learned from her is how as much as she wants to be loved, I want to be respected. I think it's like that with most males/females.
"Formo" wrote:
I wish I could give you a +1 for every word of this post. You have some gems of wisdom in there that more men need to take to heart.
You're absolutely right. Marriage isn't about luck. Marriage is about honesty and defining roles. If people were truly honest about who they are when they're dating, then they'd either a) breakup and save themselves a life of heartache or b) have much happier marriages because there were no false illusions. But people invest so freaking much into their romantic relationships that they become terrified of losing them, convincing themselves they'll never be able to find another one. The idea of "soulmates" causes so much damage for this reason. I think men who shoot themselves after finding their wives in bed with other men are idiots. Let her go and find someone else. Why lower yourself like that? There are more women than men in the world; someone will want you.
Like you, I wasn't a pussy-whipped boyfriend. I told my then girlfriend who I was and what I wanted, even if it meant being brutally honest and risking hurting her feelings. Hell, on our wedding day, as I was getting ready to walk out onto the altar, I said to her, "I don't think monogamy is natural, but I'll give it my best shot. For now." She knew what she had in me. She had no false illusions.
The most powerful word a man can learn to use with a woman is "No" -- and women WANT to hear it from us. They will goad us into situations precisely because they want us to bring them into control. Not to be controlling, mind you, but to be in control. I think whoever wrote Tim McGraw's song "Just to See You Smile" should be shot and Tim McGraw should be drawn and quartered for purveying this slop to the masses:
You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein' made of gold
I don't know how that I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you "no"
Just like when you were leavin' Amarillo
To take that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me
Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And when all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile
When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
'Cause leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I'd lie again
Those are the words of a classically pussy-whipped man who, in my opinion, deserves every bit of heartache he has coming to him. It still pisses me off that the "manly man" Tim McGraw actually consented to sing that. I guarantee if he let Faith Hill walk all over him like that, she would have left him years ago.
But overall, the wisest thing you have to say is that women want to be loved, men want to be respected. This is so true. The failure to understand this fundamental concept is the source of so much friction in so many relationships. Countless men don't understand why their wives aren't responsive to them when they show them respect; it's because women want to know, first and foremost, that you love them more than anyone or anything else (other than God). If they know that, they'll give you anything -- ANYTHING. Similarly, women don't understand why, when they lavish their men with so much love, they still react violently to even subtle displays of disrespect. Men need respect, they crave it from their innermost being. I know I personally couldn't give two shits how much my wife thinks she loves me if she shows disrespect to me. My wife came from homes in which the women wore the pants, and we had to address that issue decisively very early on.
If more men would show more love to their wives and more women showed more respect to their husbands, we'd have a lot more happier marriages in the world. And neither love nor respect are feelings -- they are conscious, deliberate actions that must be repeated over and over.
Formo, you should add your post to the marital advice thread. It's priceless.
But we are way off topic here. Or are we? 😉