Mine's pretty normal.

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Your sig says your man is Donald Driver.

Just sayin' 🤔

plus, I'm funnin' ya

1. I didn't know San Francisco had normal. :)

2. Or are you talking normal San Francisco?

But I agree with the general point people have been making.

Whatever "normal" is, it probably isn't good to be it.

You're not normal, Julie. And all of us here are damn glad you aren't.

I don't know what the best schedule and speed is. But it definitely sounds to me like you are moving forward, pressing on, not trying to endure the thing but actively moving to fix the parts that might be fixed and remove the parts that can't.

Keep the faith.

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Jules,
A lot of great advice here.. and let me add this tiny little bit of info for ya.. While women crave love, men crave respect. You must know this, but he also must know this.. If he thinks being respectful is as important, just know when he shows it, it's him showing 'love'. At the same time, show him that you'll respect him a great deal as long as he's showing effort.

Of course, I don't know the full situation so what I have is pretty broad. Counseling is always a great first step, but if it's something he's never done before, then it's probably because it scares the hell out of him (I know from personal experience).

Good luck, dear! I have faith that you'll overcome these issues and have a very happy marriage with him!

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Formo has a great point. Men crave more than respect, though. They crave admiration. I love watching couples who have made it 50 or 60 years, because it's usually easy to see why. You'll see the man doing something as insignificant as slicing mushrooms, and the woman is saying, "Oh, honey, I've always thought it was amazing how well you can slice mushrooms" -- and you can see him just eating it up. Give a man admiration, and he will walk through hell barefoot for you.

The divorce courts are clogged with people who are still madly in love but who no longer respect or admire each other. Finding a little something to admire about your man everyday -- and letting him know it -- will go a long way toward soothing his insecurities and making him love to be around you, make it so he can't wait to get home at night because at least someone finally recognizes him for the great person he wants to be. No man gives a shit how much his wife loves him if she doesn't respect or admire him. That's what a mom is for.

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i'm getting some amazing insight from you guys & it really means alot to me. the respect & admiration thing for example is something that not only men but women crave as well - at least i do. it's easy to forget why you married someone as life goes on & comfort sets in. or as difficulties arise. but we've always had this way to come back to each other & remember how much we love each other.

i just talked to my mom about what's going on. she's a huge source of support for me & is also understanding of what he's going through. she said she's here for me no matter what i need. i feel better having told her. she was upset but not all that surprised. i felt it was important for her to know what we're going through & that i may be a bit emotional & vulnerable. i need her support - not judgement - she's given me that. thank goodness!!

we're looking into group therapy at a hospital that meets weekly for now & will also do some family therapy.

i'm tellin ya - heaven is lookin better n better every damn day!! life is hard.

There are not too many days that I don't wish I was with mother. As for relationships, I feel in any relationship complacency is an issue which is why I believe in trying to make each day as if it were the first and treat it as such.

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Well said in much better words! Especially the last 2 sentences.

Also Jules, I know you may be tempted to, but try to keep this, and many others, issue on the down low. It will help your marriage in the long run. I'm assuming you already know this judging from the info I see here.. Just wanted to throw that out there as well. For example.. One of my baby sisters is a newly wed. I don't talk to her nearly as much as I probably should, so I get a lot of information on how the new couple is doing via my parents (mostly involuntarily getting that info). My brother-in-law is in the Navy, so they live out in Charleston, SC. Anyway, my sister calls my mother and my other sisters and vents to them about the issues her and her hubby are having. Because it's only one side of the story, HE'S always the bad guy. These venting sessions, while being great pressure release valves for my sister, is and will hurt their relationship in the long run because now my parents and sisters view brother-in-law in a negative light. In short, my sister doesn't even know that she's pitting sides. It's not fair to her, him, or the relationship.

I say that story to say this: My wife and I have gone through some Hellish bumps in our short time married. One of them was exactly what I mentioned above. My wife would vent to her mother about me. I guess most of it was little stuff.. but because she vented, she ended up pitting sides (no wonder I never got along with my MIL!!), her husband vs. her mother. She'll be the first to say that was one of her biggest mistakes early in our relationship/marriage.

I'm not saying don't talk to your mother about your issues. I'm just saying be careful who you bring to light. Think about the long term success of the relationship before 'venting'. It could go a long way in the healing process.

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trust me, i was very careful with what i said & what i didn't say to her. i know involving her too much can cause major problems. she's a pretty understanding lady - of course she wants to protect me - but she trusts me to know what the right thing is to do.

Yeah, most experienced people know this. I mention it because it's the first problem I see with newly weds and they never believe me until it's too late. Anyway, glad you were careful. Keep your head up, girl!

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