I am really sorry that you are going through this.

You are probably overloaded with advice, but I watched my brother, my brother in law and a friend all go through something similar.

My advice is not very popular but it did work for the two who followed it. But it is a gamble and I wouldn't guarantee that it works.

Surrender.

It sounds counter intuitive, and it may be a little late for you to try. But this is what I told him.

My brother started down that path and I told him the first thing to do is face the fact that you may lose contact with your daughter. You really have to believe and be ready for that to happen. That way you are not playing chicken, you are really giving up. I don't know if you are a man of faith, but you have to put your daughter in Gods hands.

Then go to your ex and tell her as humbly as you can (Believing it is vital)that she has the power to take your daughter away from you. As much as you want and need to be in your daughters life, your ex has the power to take that away. So if she decides to do that, you can't afford to fight her. Tell her she won. But don't do it to manipulate her. Because if you don't believe you can lose your daughter and that she really does have the power to keep her from you, it won't work. It may not work anyway and you would have to be ready to face that.

No matter how much you drag her through court, it will make her reflexively fight back. Don't give her anything to fight. Every time you send her a summons it steels her resolve. Every time you try to force her to do something, she will instinctively resist. She has the advantage. She has had your daughter longer and she is her mother.

It is kind of like relationship judo. But you can't do it as a manipulation or a game.

Another thing is that every time you tell her you don't want to pay child support, the message will get to your daughter that fighting over money is more important than she is. Even though it is completely untrue.

You also have to stop blaming or hating your ex. It makes it all harder for you. She is what she is and you can't change that. Don't waste your energy on her. When you are angry with her, she is winning because she is controlling your emotions and draining your energy.

My niece is now in high school and spends whole summers with my brother. The relationship with the ex is at least amicable. She was even there when my Father passed away and nobody was upset by that. It was a little weird, but not painfully so.

I understand if you don't take the risk. Like I said, you have been at it for a while and your daughter is older than the people that I knew who went through this.

Regardless, my prayers are with you both. I hope at least that helps.

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Thanks, any advice is appreciated. I've never said I didn't want to pay child support. Even before I knew Rebecca was mine and the mother would come to me for money, I offered to buy groceries for her. I even offered to take a list of items, pick them up and bring them to her. That was not good enough, she wanted straight cash to spend how she wanted. I didn't go for that because I didn't want my money going towards cigarettes or what not.

After 2006 I told her I have rights, Rebecca has rights, but that she holds the cards and if Rebecca ever wanted to me in her life, I was only a phone call away. In 2009 that call came and then a month later, she took Rebecca away from me. She told me she had to make me go through court because if she willingly let me in Rebecca's life, her family and friends wouldn't understand.

I've always been nice and considerate to the mother and open and understanding. It's not special treatment, its the kind of person I am and what I feel is best.

And the more court is involved, yes, the more pissed off she seems to get, which contradicts everything she said about needing me to force court to let me have Rebecca.

I can't be face to face with her because the last time I tried that, she physically assaulted me. She's not exactly an example of maturity, but then again, when you can do what you want with no consequences, that's expected.

Another wrinkle is the mother tells Rebecca I don't love her and don't want to see her and that's why I moved to Colorado.

Living in Colorado while she is in Wisconsin also makes this situation difficult. I'm in the belief the only way I'm going to see my daughter is by paying thousands ($2,000-$3,000) for attorney fees, or I just accept I'm nothing but a paycheck daddy to Rebecca and pray that the mother grows a conscience. I can't even contact the mother to talk to Rebecca because the mother stated repeatedly if I do, she'll file harassment charges.

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I didn't mean that you didn't want to pay, I meant that when you go to the courts over it, the message will get to Rebecca that you don't. Even though it is completely untrue.

The mother seems like she needs that control over other people. Your placing conditions on the money was threatening her control of the situation and she was probably insulted. Your willingness to be responsible was interpreted as you trying to control her.

She will not be pushed into anything. She has the advantage. Your best options is find a way to let her feel like she is in control.

Like I said, it is like Judo. Since She will meet force with resistance. You have to find a way to work with what she wants or she will fight you.

No matter what, I am really sorry you and Rebecca have to go through it.

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You're right, the mother does need control, she's honestly the biggest control freak I've ever known. I had to take child support to court because they gave me more than a $15k salary raise before calculating my child support obligation. If I could afford what they said, I wouldn't have had an issue paying it. Money means nothing to me, again another reason I never will accept a donation from/for this site. Money comes and goes, it's the time and memories I'm missing with my daughter that destroy me. It's effecting me a lot more it probably should.

She is in control, lol. I have zero rights being enforced from the courts and paying nearly $700 a month in child support and she doesn't have to let me even know what school my daughter is attending. She has 100% control.

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Seems very very odd...As the father I think you have the right to know what school she attends..

I learned that when I went through my divorce..Ex wasnt telling me where the day care was and I am sure the judge said if she waned me to pay 1/2 should be told

Yes sir, you are correct, fathers do have rights, but the court (even though I have it in writing) are failing to enforce said rights. When I brought it up Monday in court, I was told "we're not here to discuss that matter". I then brought up that the matter had its day in court and the outcome is not being enforced. I was ignored.

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