The doctor says the diagnosis is isolated systolic hypertension - and it sails right over the head.
The mechanic explains the recall is due to improper casting of the steering lock bar, which is a component of the interlock system - and it goes in one ear and out the other.
The anchorman says National Football League, $9 billion, lockout, mediation, litigation and appeal - and we're listening because we know somehow it all means no football. But we need to hear this in plain English.
And so, we need Andrew Brandt.
Former Green Bay Packers vice president, salary cap manager and negotiator, player agent, World League general manager - Brandt draws upon nearly three decades of experience in all of those fields to help him in his latest career venture:
Decoding the legal strategies and rulings of the NFL lockout. Brandt boils down the legal jargon into digestible terms.
"I know people are frustrated, angry and bored with the labor dispute, but I tell them to take a deep breath and realize this is all part of the process," said Brandt."It is a negotiation, no more and no less. The courtroom wins and losses are merely ways of tilting leverage to one side or the other in the eventual negotiation of a new CBA."
Officially out of the NFL for three years now, the 50-year-old Brandt no longer has the edict of solving the league's problems, just explaining them. He does that in three ways:
With columns for National Football Post, a website he cofounded in 2008. Staffed with former front-office personnel men, agents and players, the site offers firsthand insight to the NFL game and the business behind it.
With instruction, teaching sports law and negotiations at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. He's also done seminars in Chicago and Indianapolis.
With analysis on ESPN.
Brandt identifies June 3, when a ruling is expected on the NFL's latest appeal, as the next major event for the lockout.
"If the NFL loses the appeal, then they're paying players, business is open, they're under temporary rules and they need to forge a new deal," said Brandt. "If the players lose the appeal, they're locked out indefinitely and missing paychecks and they'll need to make a deal.
"At the end of the day, when it comes to negotiations, I always believed: Never let your adversary become your enemy. Unfortunately, I think that's happened a couple of times in this negotiation. There's been a bit of lack of trust. Or a lack of honest and open communication. Hopefully it's all just part of a process."
When it comes to haggling out deals, Brandt feels right at home.
After Georgetown University Law School, Brandt worked forProServ in Washington, assisting agent David Falk with NBA and NFL players, including Michael Jordan, BoomerEsiason and Patrick Ewing. He was there when Nike began the Air Jordan phenomenon.
"It was a great experience. We had some remarkable negotiations, which I learned a lot," said Brandt.
After six years, Brandt left to try something different. In 1992, at age 31, he became the general manager of the World League's Barcelona Dragons. Brandt wasn't just running a team. He was introducing a new sport to an unfamiliar fan base.
"They cheered at the wrong times, they did the wave the entire game," said Brandt.
There were only 100 tickets sold for opening night inMontjuic Stadium, site of the 1992 Olympics, which holds 55,000. So Brandt asked a well-known soccer GM in Barcelona whether he could put his football team on their field at halftime to pique interest.
The GM just wanted to make sure the fans could still smoke cigarettes.
They could and it worked; 18,000 showed up for the Dragons' opener.
"Our first touchdown, our tight end broke three tackles on a seam pass. There was polite applause," said Brandt. "The kicker kicks the extra point - and they go nuts."
After a year and a half, the World League disbanded and Brandt went back to being a player agent, this time for Woolf Associates in Boston.
He picked up an unknown kicker, Adam Vinatieri, became friends with client MattHasselbeck and worked with Ricky Williams as his agent for baseball while he pursued him as a client for pro football.
Titletown comes calling
Then in 1999, the Packers called out of the blue. Ron Wolf, Green Bay's general manager at the time, had just lost coach Mike Holmgren and executive MikeReinfeldt to Seattle.
"Ron wondered if I would switch sides," said Brandt. "I made a life decision between chasing Ricky Williams and moving to Green Bay. We decided the lifestyle of an agent - now we had young children - was not conducive to our family."
For the next nine years, Brandt negotiated all player contracts and managed the Packers' salary cap as vice president of player finance and general counsel.
"It was a little different going from MattHasselbeck's agent to being a manager on the other side of the table in Green Bay," said Brandt. "And then, of course, I was the one who told him he was traded."
Under Brandt, the Packers managed to keep their salary cap position healthy and strong. He was a valued cap expert and negotiator who never mortgaged the future of the Packers.
Two focuses
"It was always important to me to play for the present and the future," said Brandt. "I did not want our team to be struggling out of salary cap jail like we saw from other franchises."
That meant he had to resist constantly restructuring quarterback Brett Favre's contract, he said, to give the Packers short-term relief with long-term ramifications.
"I had seen the consequences of what happened to teams when their franchise quarterback either retired, was released or was traded," said Brandt."I was adamant about not putting ourselves in that position and always structured our bigger contracts with that in mind."
When Packers president and CEO Bob Harlan retired at the end of the 2007 season, Brandt was a candidate to replace him. When the Packers went with Mark Murphy instead, Brandt and the Packers parted ways in February 2008.
"It was a good time for a change, for both the Packers and myself," said Brandt. "I had been there nine years; we had just hosted the NFC championship; most players were under contract for a while.I was caught in a web between the football and administrative sides of the organization. Feeling as though I was a senior executive and should apply, I put myself out there - warts and all - for the CEO position, and they decided to go another way.
"In the midst of the search process I was told I would no longer be reporting to Bob Harlan but to Ted Thompson.Ted and I once shared an office, got along well and had the same philosophy on team-building, but I think the CEO selection process made things difficult to continue in the role I had.
"I'm happy for all their success and stay in touch with many people in the organization and the community.The Packers are a true national treasure."
Brandt worked as a consultant for the Philadelphia Eagles 2009, helping with free agent and rookie contracts.He has since consulted other players and agents on contracts. But he was being pulled in a different direction.
Career change
While Brandt was an undergraduate at Stanford, a professor had told him he had the writing gift, but Brandt hadn't pursued it. Brandt launched into the high-risk, low-reward world of online sports journalism.
The National Football Post draws an average of 2.5million to 3 million page views a month.
Living in suburban Philadelphia brought his wife, Lisa, back home, but she still keeps tabs on the school she helped found, the Wisconsin International School in De Pere.
Best of all, there's time for his boys: Sam, 14, and Max, who turns 9 on June 3.
It's not clear whether working for National Football Post - and peeling back the curtain on the NFL business - would be a help or hindrance toward getting back in to the NFL.
But when asked whether he wants to get back into the NFL to run a team, Brandt sounded content for now.
"You never say never, but I'm certainly happy doing what I am doing now," said Brandt. "Even though I am somewhat busier than I was when I was with the Packers, I still have time for my boys. And I see teaching as a way of giving back. I certainly know it's not curing cancer, but it's a way of sharing a lot of practical experiences with students."
As for looking forward during this football drought, Brandt offered one more pitch for deal-making, as this has been his very nature all along.
"If the Eighth Circuit upholds the lockout on appeal - which I expect them to do - theNFLPA has to look in the distance and see a future of an indefinite lockout," Brandt said."I would hope their strategy would turn to deal-making instead of litigating.
"And I would further hope that the NFL would not use that leverage in an unreasonable way.
"There is a deal to be made here; one that will not look much different than what was being discussed on March 11 when negotiation turned to litigation."
Lori Nickel wrote: