We are in the midst of our usual summer heat wave....temps have been 95 to 105 the past two weeks.....and enough is enough. I've been staining our back deck (700 square feet of pure misery) and Mike (remember the fireworks guy?) has been painting a neighbors house the past few days. About an hour ago (12 noon here) it hit 100 degrees so we both quit. Over a cold beer we decided that the Clark Fork River needed our attention, specifically in innertubes. My wife is in Spokane WA with some friends for the weekend and Mike's wife is visiting relatives in Kalispell MT.

Wow, two guys left alone and what else is there to do???? T-U-B-I-N-G!!!! We plan to set sail near Clinton, MT about 12 miles east of downtown Missoula and finish up after a big finale with us doing flips in our tubes going over Brennan's Wave in downtown Missoula. Check out Brennan's Wave on Google Images. Right now the river is flowing at 2600 cubic feet per second, or about 7 miles an hour. Fast enough to knock a horse off it's feet.

There should be some kayakers at Brennan's Wave, so if we get in trouble hopefully some kind soul will pull us out....or up.....or whatever. Hope my life vest and helmet are still ok. I'll let you know if we survive later tonight. If we don't, you won't here from me.

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riiiiiiing, riiiiiing, .... "Pentagon, Col. Schmuckatelli speaking, this is a non-secure line."

Me: "He's drinkin' again, this time he says he's going tubing."

Pentagon: "I'll go ahead and get aircraft up and on the way, in the meantime, go ahead and write down all the details as you know them."

Me: "Don't you even want to confirm who this is?"

Pentagon: "Oh, I know...this is UFO/deerhunter/fix my chevy and loan me a tank/bar hopper/guys at/in McDonald's pass guy, right?"

Me: "ya, but I haven't even told you who..[Col. interrupts} Pentagon:"This would be Bob, the squirrel guy, right"

Me: "Ya, but... {Col. interrupts again} Pentagon: "The planes are enroute, we'll sweat the small stuff later...jeez I wish you could get that Bob to lay off the sauce."

:wickedfart:

ALLLLL-RIIIIGHT! We made it. Our grand finale didn't go as planned as we miscalculated the current and shot over Brennan's Wave like a couple of Vaseline Slicked Up Seals. The water temp was somewhere just above Gonad Shrinking temps and the current was pretty fierce in spots. (like the whole damn 12 miles)
A brief excerpt from the float:

Mike: This is gonna be cool...we should make it in no time at all.
Bob: I'm hoping it takes longer...it's over 100 degrees, I'm hot, and I don't like the looks of that current.

Mike: We can catch a beer at Turah Pines in a few miles.
Bob: Yeah, right! How the hell we gonna stop there? This current, and that stretch of river are going to carry us right past the river edge beer garden.
Mike: Not to worry. I got my cell phone in the waterproof bag. I'll call ahead and order a six pack to go.
(Mike somehow makes the call and places the order)

Bob: Turah Pines is about 600 yards ahead. We should try to get over to the right so they can toss us the beer.
Mike: Why can't we stop and get it?
Bob: Uh, Mike, the water is 20 feet deep all the way through that stretch, right up to the shoreline. You want to step out and get it, be my guest!
Mike: They can toss it I guess.

Turah Pines Bar Maid: "You guys are idiots, but here's your beer. "(she delivers a perfect strike onto Mike's head with a plastic bag and six pack of Pabst.) " And Bob, this is on your tab." (I forgot she was a former student of mine)

7 miles later: Mike: How come the current is picking up?
Bob: It's because the Milltown Dam is gone. (EPA #1 superfund cleanup sight for 2006-2009) The Blackfoot and Clark Fork are running free now...nothing to slow them down.

Mike: I didn't think of that.
Bob: I didn't think you did, you dumb ass. Let's get to the left channel as far as we can. The water is slower there...no rapids.
Mike: How deep is it over there?
Bob: You don't want to know. (145 feet)

Mike: Whew....I can see Brennan's wave ahead. We made it.
Bob: Not yet buddy. We gotta hit the wave just right or we're headlines in Sunday's Missoulian about two stupid guys in innertubes pulled from the Clark Fork River 20 miles west of Missoula.

We hit Brennan's Wave perfectly and shoot over the top crest like Motor-Cross bikers at the X-games. Except Mike is upside down in his tube and I'm laying on my stomach on the tube. (started in a sitting position) We climb out of the now shallow water and plan for another day.

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God must LOVE you Bob.........either that, or He takes pity on you!!!

GOD:"Oh my ME! There goes that crazy Bob again.......ok, which guardian angel wants to keep him from killing himself THIS time? Clarence. you want the job?"
Clarence: "No thank you sir! Bob makes "It's a Wonderful Life" seem like a kiddie ride!"

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