ok, i need some serious advice.

my mom is almost 77 years old, in fairly good health, in charge of the farms, her home, the apartment she has down by me, & everything that goes along with all those things.

i've noticed over the past several years that she's more & more forgetful. i understand this comes with age but it seems to be getting much worse lately. as you all know, we lost my dad 7 years ago & she's struggled ALOT dealing with minor to major repairs to her home & the farms. she calls to ask my brother & i for advice whenever something is wrong or she needs help figuring something out which we are more than happy to help her with.

i'm getting more & more worried about her though. i hate thinking of her living in the country all alone. she has one of those health alert button things but it still scares me. her driving is not that great. she has a problem maintaining a steady speed & i've encouraged her to use the cruise control repeatedly but she's afraid she'll have a heart attack at the wheel & then her car would go careening down the highway. i mean we're talking she goes from 45 - 65 back down to 50 then to 60 then back down to 40...you get the picture, right?

i want to broach the subject with her about moving down her permanently - my older brother is NO help whatsoever even though he lives 2 miles from her - he has alot of animosity towards my mom for some reason & he refuses to discuss this with her. his words to me were "you do what you think is best & i'll be there to back you up" well gee thanks dumbass. GAH! anyway, she will never let me repeat NEVER sell the beautiful home she & my dad built so we'd have to close it up or something - how do we even do that - i guess she'd leave most of her furnishings there since her place is all furnished down here.

i'm just hoping that some of you have dealt with this & have some advice for me. i'm worried & want to do the best thing for her without making her feel like she's not in charge of her own life.

HELP!!!

The first thing you should do is take her to the doctor to have some tests done to guage what is wrong with her memory. She is at that age now where stuff like dimensia and alzheimers can be a very good possibility.

I don't envy you right now Julie. My partner in the bee business is dealing with this with his father, and the elderly person can become very beligerant. But you need the diagnosis to help you make proper decisions.

Good luck my dear.

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Mom is 78. My younger brother is a cardiologist. We noticed the exact same things with my mom. Dr son had mom go into Chicago for a series of tests with a specialist. Mom has onset dementia. Over the last year we have noticed her memory loss as being more and more prevalent. The Specialist gave mom a med that would slow the process down but nothing will stop it. Mom was not happy with the side effects so she stopped taking it.

My advise let her know you are concerned. Try and set out a general outline. It is going to be hard to take her out of her home tomorrow.

Mom knows this is happening. It frustrates her when she realizes what is happening. I try to minimize it a bit by showing how we all forget things. I tell her as long as she remembers the important stuff, name, address and so on it is ok to forget her great grand kids birthdays as there are too many of them.

Sitting down with her and her physician is something you should do.

Her house- if she does move be careful. insurance hate vacant houses. Someone should stay at her current house from time to time. keep the furnishings in there. Down the road you may have to rent it out.

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My parents had to do that with my father's mother, unfortunately I don't have much in terms of advice as I wasn't privvy to any of their conversations, but I wish you luck.

Another thought- She may be fine living on her own near you for a while. You may have her live with you after that. But if it continues you may need to have her go to a nursing home and have people who are professionals take care of her. It happens and don't feel like you are letting her down. My grandmother stayed with Mom and Dad for years. It got to be too hard. Grandma needed someone watching her 24/7. One or two people simply can not do that forever.

With that said you will need to speak about what she wants to do with her estate. If she does nothing and has a long stay in a nursing home all she has may end up going toward her expenses.

She should sit down with a tax adviser and discuss her options. If she divests her property and assets before needing a nursing home she might be able to do so. The sooner she does something the more likely she will keep it in some form. You should also consider buying a nursing home policy before she is diagnosed. afterward will not be possible.

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We're going through the same thing with my mom (she's 88). We've been divying up the stuff she needs help with--I handle financial stuff, my sister does medical stuff, etc. The best thing I could recommend is talk to your mom and let her know your concerns, and discuss options if her memory, etc gets worse.

My mom is deathly afraid of ending up in a nursing home--her mom died in one. We've assured her we'll do everything we can to keep her in her house, but if we can't then we have discussed with her moving in with us.

We're in a little different situation where my mom lives in a residential neighborhood with close-knit neighbors who watch out for her and 3 of her 4 kids living within 30 mins, so she's not as isolated.

There may be organizations oriented toward the elderly in you're mom's area--in our area, Goodwill drives elderly to Drs appts, etc, Meals on Wheels delivers food. There may be some organization that would send somebody over periodically to see your mom and make sure everything's OK.

Recommend setting up Power of Attorneys if you have not already done so.

thank you all for the advice.

as far as estate planning & whatnot goes, there are no worries there. my parents did very well with farming & i'm thankful that money will never be an issue for her.

wayne, what you said almost made me cry. the very thought of my mom having problems with this just breaks my heart. i can't sleep at night & am very nervous about it all. i have NO support from other family members - once again i thank the good Lord for bringing my hubby into my life. he's onboard with helping in any way he needs me.

i think i'll try to have a talk with her about getting tested regarding her memory problems. she is very proactive when it comes to her health so i'm hopeful in that way. if there's something she can take that will help her, i know she'll want to do it. she'd do anything to spend as much quality time with my twins as possible so that is also a plus.

those of you who believe in prayer, please say an extra one for me...this is gonna be tough.

I sure didn't mean to make you cry. I don't know if it is right or wrong but I try to down play her memory issues a bit. Mom gets confused when there is more stress in her life. Like when family with younger kids come over and stays the weekend. We are trying to keep her routine as close to normal as possible.

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i think the magnitude of what is to come has overwhelmed me the last few days.

what really scared me was that she told me something that happened two days ago via email. the very next day, she told me something entirely different than the day before. it's like i can feel her slipping away. it's just sad...so very sad. my mom could run circles around me for many years but the last couple have really taken their toll on her. she's just not the same.

I understand how you feel. Please don't let it overwhelm you. You have to be strong. Enjoy the days you have. My mom changes what she says all the time too.

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