Old flames reunited make the most lasting marriages 
BY CHERRY NORTON, SOCIAL AFFAIRS CORRESPONDENT
MONDAY 14 AUGUST 2000

The rekindling of young love after many years apart is the key to long-lasting wedded bliss, researchers say.

A study in the United States found that people who rekindled youthful romances at least five years after they had split up had a 76 per cent chance of staying together, compared with a 40 per cent chance of successful marriage in the rest of the population. The study is the first done on people reunited with a lost lover after years apart.

Nancy Kalish and colleagues from California State University found it was not just the nostalgia of ageing that made people look for their first love. The average age of those involved in the reunions was 36.

Older couples attributed their success to having re-found their soulmates and to increased maturity. Some 55 per cent chose to reunite with someone they loved when they were 17 or younger - their first love - and 29 per cent chose a former sweetheart from late adolescence.

The researchers found the most common reason for the initial romance breaking up was parental disapproval, accounting for 25 per cent of cases. Other frequent reasons included "We were too young" (11 per cent), "Moved away" (11 per cent) and "Left to attend school" (7 per cent). None of those who took part in the study said the relationship ended because they were not getting on.

Professor Kalish said: "Perhaps absence really does make the heart grow fonder. These were not the 10-minute loves that adults often attribute to teenagers." More than one-third of the initial romances had lasted 13 months to three years. Some 15 per cent had lasted four or five years and 12 per cent more than five years.

Many of those who were reunited said that they resented their parents belittling these early romances, calling them crushes or puppy love. Professor Kalish said: "Many reported great bitterness towards parents for breaking them apart years earlier. This research may serve as a cautionary tale for today's parents to think twice before they interfere with a teen's romance or dismiss it as 'just puppy love'."

The professor said curiosity or finding their first love by chance caused problems for some people. "A person may not have thought of cheating on a spouse - he or she may play around on a computer at work one day, type the name of the first love as a lark and out pops the e-mail address."

Professor Kalish found that innocent e-mails did not remain innocent for long: 71 per cent of respondents reported obsessive and compulsive thoughts about their lost love.

The professor said: "The couples' first love had endured throughout their many years apart, and in the case of widows and widowers, often through very happy intervening marriages. However, given the high extramarital [affairs] rate, married people should be cautioned not to contact a lost love."

An example of young love rekindled is provided by June Chapman and Eric Turner. Ms Chapman was 16 when she met Mr Turner at the aircraft factory where they worked. They became sweethearts and dated for three years before Mr Turner left their home town of Swindon, Wiltshire, to begin his National Service. Letters were exchanged but after a year the two lost touch. Over the next 50 years they both married and were widowed before being reunited last year.

Mr Turner proposed in October. Ms Chapman said: "Eric and I met in 1950 and from the moment we began dating I knew we were made for each other. We had so much fun - Eric was always making me laugh." Ms Chapman married and had two children. "John and I ran the pub for over 35 happy years but... I never forgot about Eric. Every time I heard our song, 'Jealous Heart', by Connie Francis, I recalled the first time Eric kissed me."

After her husband died of a stroke she met an old friend by chance and they reminisced about their teenage years. "A couple of weeks later I was serving at the bar when a voice I'd not heard for nearly 40 years asked me if there was any chance of a pint. I looked up and there was Eric, the hair was greyer and the face a little more wrinkled but other than that he was just as handsome as ever," Ms Chapman said.

After six months they moved in together. "Our relationship is just as passionate and physical as before, although now we've lost all of our teenage inhibitions," she said.

Mr Turner said that his first marriage was wonderful but his wife, Gwen, died of a heart attack when she was 58. "June was my first love and I never forgot her. When I saw June again the old feelings came rushing back. I wasn't going to let her go a second time," he said.

"Cherry Norton" wrote:

These findings don't surprise me in the least. I actually came to the conclusion several years ago that very often, the mates people choose as teenagers, the ones they consider their "true love" or "soulmate," may in fact have been the best choice for them all along. I have long resented the not-so-subtle condescension and even contempt with which adults tend to regard teen love. I hate it when adults tell teenagers that they don't know how to love, don't know what love means. Personally, I think teenagers often love much more deeply, unconditionally, and lastingly than their more jaded, cynical adult counterparts. Yes, of course, we are often young, foolish, and headstrong as teenagers -- yes, we make mistakes -- but I think that precisely because they do tend to act so instinctually, teenagers are often more attuned to what kind of person they are likely to fall in love with and stay in love with.

I think perhaps the most interesting finding was that none of the couples surveyed broke up because they fell out of love. It was always other factors that came between them. "Teenagers don't know how to love" -- bah! Maybe it's adults who could stand to learn a thing or two from their idealistic, hopelessly romantic teenage counterparts.

That being said, in retrospect, I'm glad I never mustered the courage to tell the girl I was in love with as a teenager how much I liked her. What a wreck she turned out to be!

Originally Posted by: Nonstopdrivel 

I hate it doubly so when a teen tries to tell me that I don't know the kind of love they have.

Originally Posted by: Formo 

Teens may love more deeply, unconditionally, etc but unless they realize that feeling will eventually wear off a bit and make a DECISION to love, they don't know love, IMO.

Originally Posted by: Formo 

My soul doth magnify the Lord.
And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour.
Because he hath regarded the humility of his handmaid;
for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed.
Because he that is mighty,
hath done great things to me;
and holy is his name.
And his mercy is from generation unto generations,
to them that fear him.
He hath shewed might in his arm:
he hath scattered the proud in the conceit of their heart.
He hath put down the mighty from their seat,
and hath exalted the humble.
He hath filled the hungry with good things;
and the rich he hath sent empty away.
He hath received Israel his servant,
being mindful of his mercy:
As he spoke to our fathers,
to Abraham and to his seed for ever.

Maryām bat Heli wrote:

That being said, in retrospect, I'm glad I never mustered the courage to tell the girl I was in love with as a teenager how much I liked her. What a wreck she turned out to be!

Originally Posted by: Nonstopdrivel 

Exactly.

Ironically, I had a dream about my old flame last night. I had to force myself to wake up out of the dream because I was enjoying it too much and I felt guilty about it.

Originally Posted by: Nonstopdrivel 

I hate it when anyone, of any age, tells me that. There have been, what, at last 10 billion people in the history of the world. No love is that unique.

Originally Posted by: Nonstopdrivel 

But that's just my point. I think a lot of teens do get that. When I talk about their capacity for love, I don't just mean their ability to feel deeply. I also believe are just as able -- considering their sometimes fanatical idealism, sometimes more able -- as adults to make such decisions. Teenagers are capable of noble acts of sacrifice; marvelous deeds of heroism; astounding feats of perseverance and tenacity against overwhelming odds; and yes, unspeakable acts of barbarism. Teens have founded great movements, made great discoveries, ruled great nations, lead great wars, died great deaths. Teens have immortalized torrid romances and taken vows of chastity. The mother of Jesus was a very young teen.

I don't think it's a matter of age so much as an outgrowth of character. Not all teens make catastrophic mistakes, although many of them do. I know one married couple who has been together since they were 14 and they are still happy together almost 30 years later. On the other hand, I know people twice my age who still haven't figured it out when it comes to relationships.

I think it's unfortunate our culture has such a deep-seated prejudice against and suspicion of youth. I think it's an indictment of parents, really, since they're the ones who raise teens to still be kids. I think we should be encouraging teens to strive after greatness, not lowering our expectations of their abilities and judgment. Maybe if adults had it all figured out, I could buy their condescension of youth more easily.

Originally Posted by: Nonstopdrivel