Leave it up to our pro singer to start doing a little diddy about Jack and Diane :)

Sing It Cheesey maybe 4packgirl will throw her panties at you lol :D

"dhazer" wrote:

I don't mind the cold water.. as long as it is not freezing. ;)

The point of the post and thought is that reality is not all "rosy".. that life has its trials and struggles. At times in life it is hard to see the positives or good that each of us has in our lives.

Tell you a little story and since I have dropped a dime of personal thought and feeling into the thread.. I will go a little further.

There was this cocky kid.. thought he was invincible, thought he had it all figured out. He worked hard to get where he was, but he could see the doorway of his goals right in front of him and figured it was just a matter of time before he put his shoulder smashing through that doorway because he "had" this.. his body was filling out his dreams of a little kid, he was blessed with the size and strength to fulfill his desires.

Here and there.. he would get knocked down on the field.. but he would pull himself up, dust off the dirt and go charging into the fray again... punishing the soul that dared knocking him down. A primal being was he.

And bang on day that doorway disappeared and he was shoved through a different one.. one that he couldn't face for several years.. here at 18 years old he was trying his damnedest to bury himself.. he didn't want to face a future that he wasn't in control of the outcomes of his own body.

He sat looking at a future that he knew sooner or later was going to force him not to be that invincible one.. one that could always pull himself up, dust himself off and put a shoulder into it. That sooner or later his own body would turn against him.. would fail him. And he would be trapped to a life of settling for less.

He drank himself through college, partied hard enough that he didn't have to face reality. Was always the life of the party.. but really was hoping that sooner or later he would meet his demise and save himself the inevitable at some point later in life. Living on Vodka and lime, because he could hide the smell as he went class to class.. day to day.

Selling cars in the evenings and weekends to feed his habit.. and his new vice gambling. Oh yeah.. gambling he found was a new way to regain a bit of that control and competition.. but that is yet another story for a later chapter in life.

As hard as he tried to avoid it, the "fool" made it out of college alive.

So it was someplace between the final year in college and early work years that he decided.. piss on this nonsense with a shove from a dying uncle.. one that was like a second father for much of his life.

A new resolve was found, one where he waged a war against his fate. Challenging father time with his familiar tenacity and fire.. one where he would push his body to the limits time and time again.. and figure out that he still could put that shoulder into life and give it a freaking shove.. at least for now.

As the years crept by.. he could see the writing on the wall.. but choose to ignore those signs that he was probably pushing it too hard.. his body would try and tell him but he figured if he could still pull himself up.. dust himself off.. continue on.

Slowly.. his body began to break.. first, fittingly a shoulder finally tore loose.. so a began getting a cortisone shot put it in every couple months.. until the doctors refused to inject it some more.. so then he would bounce doctor to doctor that would keep injecting it.

Then it finally happened.. he tore up his primary driving force; his link to mobility as he knew it.. but the guy was stubborn as hell. Figured a shot in the shoulder seemed to work.. have a doctor place one in his ankle and foot.. and it seemingly worked. He was back in business... or so he thought... the pain was gone and he could continue to roll.

And he did for some time.. but what he didn't know or should I say ignored was the damage that he was doing under the cover of a "magic" shot.

One day.. his body slapped him out of his ignorance by refusing to go on. Surgery was inevitable.. and as much as he despised the thought... he was going to have to "trust" a doctor again with his fate. Doc did well, surgery successful and onto rehab.

Rehabbing from that surgery was trying but that was under his control, and although there is still permanent damage done as far as loss of feeling in a couple toes and occasional swelling.. I can control and deal with that and I have worked that joint back into health.

See this is that point in life that I so desperately feared and didn't want to face. It wasn't the leg that they repaired that was going to "fail" me, as I wasn't going to let that happen.. it was the toll of the past injuries and the "down" time on the other side that was.

I can't regrow the body part, magically fix the shattered hip of years past, or "unfuse" the vertebrae in my back. And being off my feet for several months took a unimagined (for me anyway) toll on my body.

And no matter how hard I fight and push it.. I am struggling to pull myself up, dust myself off and shoulder it.

And it tortures my very being.. the fabric of who and what I have always been. One that was all in all the time.. one that refuses to accept personal defeat of any form. One that could be conquered and held down.. one that could raise the white flag and settle for less from myself.

Internally.. segmented away from others in my life there has been a war brewing inside me.. rage and hellfire burning within. It leaks out here and there, but for the most part contained within me.. not seeing the light of day because if I let it out.. I don't know that I will be able to control "it" type of brew.

It has been like this for months personally.. kind of stuck.. afraid to push forward and let the rage out.. but also afraid of sitting still and watching possibly the last window of self mobility pass me by without a fight.

I have a family that depends upon my income from several different jobs to attack this head on like I have always done.. all in sort of mentality.

It is how I do things.. it has been how I have always done things. I have always been successful at doing them that way.. putting a brute shoulder into it and forcing my will upon it.

I verse the world mentality and drive. And I find it very difficult asking for help or putting a hand out looking for a pull. It is how I am wired.

That being said, I continue marching through day in and out.. not addressing the issue personally.. just accepting things how they are, getting up each morning going to work, coming home, picking up the kids so my wife can go off to work. Living day to day.. accepting life as it is.

And personally being pent up inside, knowing that someday I am going to regret not taking a hold of today.

So.. along comes this conversation after darts Thursday night.. a pick up from a conversation this summer after we buried his uncle. His world crashing around him.. family health issues, people I call my extended family.. personal struggles he finds himself him.. basically he is struggling to find the "good" in his life.

Through a cell phone battery and another 30 minutes on the house phone.. we got through a couple of issues and he shifted his focus onto today and the fundamental items right in front of him that he can take to help ease some of the day to day smaller frustrations.. so that he can begin to focus on the larger items.. even though he can do little about some of the health concerns of his sister and her final time on this rock.

But he can make today and tomorrow count in his time with her and her time here. So he can start to accept reality as it is, embrace what he has today in front of him and make sure that he has little regrets about what he didn't take advantage while he could.

See, to me that is the beauty of life. Yes it hands you bullshit frozen upon a stick and sometimes you are forced to deal with it.. but even then you have to find the positives in it and embrace them.

Either that or your going to look back one day and have regrets over what you should have seen, embraced and treasured.

So now that I have loaded to much upon this post.. I will get to the point of my original post.

Through a phone call and talking with a lifelong buddy, really listening and nothing more than bounce back his words at him.. I really reopened my eyes again to the things I learned in the past.. but allowed to be personally clouded over inside me again.

I know I have to change some things in my day to day life, the tough part is accepting that change and allowing a push here and there from others and my approach to dealing with my own health problems. And how to attack them.. accepting that it can't be an all in situation. Probably the hardest thing for me to accept in the process.

But mostly.. it is letting go of that "rage" inside and enjoying my family fully again. Living for their today's and making their today's and tomorrows as good as they can be. Because those regrets are probably the hardest of all.

There.. that all being said and relearned personally I thought I would share.. and if it helps a single soul it was worth the effort.

Like Digs mentioned.. this isn't anything new and it is something we probably all know (except for those that haven't dealt with the trials of life yet), sometimes it helps hearing it from someone else.

Anyway.. sorry for the book and the babble.. but if it helps another then good. If it was a waste of your time.. I apologize.

"Pack93z" wrote:

When i was in my 40's, i kind of felt that way. Like i could overcome anything.
Bilateral Meniere's disease knocked me down, but i fought back.
I have lost so many loved ones, i can hardly keep track. My Dad, Mom, Brother, well over a dozen aunts and uncles, at least a dozen cousins, all my grandparents except my step grandma, both my mother and father in law, some close friends......all before i reached age 50.
I have no close friends that i can look in the eye and talk to.
I saw the doctor last week.......the pain in my chest (from mu open heart surgery) is just something i have to learn to live with. My diabetes is fair, he wants it better controlled. The arthritus in my spine is getting unbearable. Can't sleep most of the time. Because of my heart disease, i'm supposed to walk every day. But both of my knees, and now my right hip causes me so much pain, i can hardly walk. Once i get going, it's not as bad, but then when i stop it tightens up so bad i can hardly get out of the chair.
My migraines are coming more often, and with a vengance. I'm getting so tired. Tired of hitting against a brick wall.

I keep asking God, why am i still here, if there is no rerason? And if there IS a reason, PLEASE show me what it is.
Yes....i KNOW there are many that have it worse then i do. But somehow, that just doesn't bring me much comfort right now. Plus the bills......the monthly ones, and the medications i have to take. My doctor is retiring at the end of this month. The only decent doc i have had in 20 years. My wife's insurance changed.....again.....and now i won't be able to afford the meds i need.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I gave it my best shot to try out for America's Got Talent. But i doubt i will get "the call" that would put me in the next TV round. That was kind of my last hope to be able to do something positive. To be able for once to be "somebody" instead of just a physically broken down "wanabee".

Oh.....Hazer......you at least brought a smile to my face with your comment.
And Zero........i know what you mean.
Some people judge without ever walking in your shoes. Yes, they may have problems of their own, which you would THINK would make them a little more compassionate. But i guess that doesn't always make people feel empathy for others.
Maybe they have all the strength they need, and feel better then you because THEY don't seem to need ANYONE to help them.
Even though deep inside, they know better, but just won't admit it.

"Cheesey" wrote:

Wade.......I KNOW what you say is true. All you said is 100% true. Maybe what i go through is for other's sake. Plus i know not all is from God, but allowed by God. HE must think i'm alot stronger then i think i am, cause i feel pretty much at the end of my rope. My wife has been having horrible nightmares......demons attacking me and me dieing.
Right now my head is pounding so bad........these headaches are horrible to live with. I have to go outside and shovel now, so that the drive is clear when my wife comes home from work.
I keep on persevering, for the hope that there is still something good coming for me in this life. I don't know if there is though.
I thought i'd be better off as i got older. A home of my own, the ability to help others instead of me having to depend on others. But that's not how it has played out.
I feel kind of like i'm at the 2 minute warning, behind by 2 scores, and on my own one yard line.
And the temptation to just "take a knee" and give up.
But as of right now, i haven't given up. I guess that's what counts.
I guess i'm kind of the clown who laughs through his own tears.
There HAS to be a reason i'm here, even if i don't understand what it is.
I know that.

"Cheesey" wrote: