Julie,
Okay. I definitely have to stop whining now. Compared to your week last week, my worst week this year was a Tahiti vacation.
I hope you got that beer you deserved.
And that your husband's surgery proves a resounding success. I'm a complete wuss when it comes to pain, and I cringe at the idea that someone has to endure it constantly for 5 years.
I can't help you with the kid stuff (the "bunghole theory of child rearing" doesn't deal with what happens when the kid is sick), but I can give unsolicited advice about how to handle the aging parent problem.
Or rather, how not to handle it: I think I've made every error in the book.
One mistake, for example, was waiting too long to move my mother into assisted living. Because of my dislike of nursing homes, I kept her here with me too long so she got too dependent on me for the companionship; if she had been able to move earlier, I think she would be having an easier time making new acquaintances, be less susceptible to the loneliness, etc.
Part of my error was simple laziness and procrastination that kept me from understanding how different "assisted living" and "nursing home" experience can be. I don't know what it's like in your area, but even here we have a few different possibilities for "independent, yet assisted living", from places little different from your average condominium to places that handle people who need walkers and can't drive and have various dementia/memory problems.
To be honest, I thought the "independent living" these places talked about was just marketing jargon. I don't know your mom, obviously, so I don't know what in particular makes being on the farm "independent" to her. But I do know that AL options can satisfy a lot of independence needs people might have. She won't be able to milk cows, of course. But I'm betting she would be able to find a place where there are a lot of exfarmers or fellow church goers or whatever. And there might even be places where she can do outdoor stuff like container gardening or whatever.
Obviously, rural areas are going to have fewer AL variations than more populated areas. (In the unlikely event that I make it to "elderly," I'd want to be in a suburban/urban area to make sure I'd find a place that allows "different drummer" sorts.)
Part of my problem was that I never really paid much attention to the people of my mom's generation. Hanging out with old people is about as attractive to me as hanging out with ten year olds. And this meant that I didn't know where my mother's friends, neighbors, acquaintances were going/talking about. And by the time I got around to getting serious about moving my mother out, the additional complications of her decline meant I had no real idea how to get that information. Add in my usual social anxieties, etc, and frankly, we got really lucky that we found the place we did.
The place isn't perfect for her. Because, as I said, I think I waited too long. By the time we got her in (she was on a waiting list for 14 months), the combination of a couple physical problems (bladder, knee pain), continuing declines in short term memory, and her general half-empty-glass approach to life, meant she has had trouble getting sufficiently involved with other residents.
But had I started the process even a year earlier, her natural sociability (despite that half-empty outlook, she's always been very, very social) would have meant she had already developed the relationships she needs.
So, for what its worth, if I have one piece of advice, its start earlier on exploring the options, finding out what kinds of "independent" or "assisted" living options are available in your neck of the woods. You (and your mother) may find yourself pleasantly surprised at what is available.
If possible, think of it not as "having to move out" but as "searching for a vacation home."
Seriously. In a couple ways, my mother has stuff she never had before. Every meal on cloth tableclothes and with cloth napkins. Whirlpools twice a week. Live music in a living room setting. Being able to push a beeper for a nurse to come running if anything happens in the middle of the night.
Yes, moving into one of these places means giving up a lot of stuff. And I doubt there's anyone in them who, when they first move in, wish they didn't have to.
But they can also mean getting some stuff you've never had.
Again, I hope you got the beer(s) you deserved after last wekk. And here's hoping this week is much less stressful.
It has to be: it's going to start with the Packers beating the crap out of Tom Brady and company. And it's going to end with the birth of Christ.
All my best.
Wade
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)