(The ulterior motive being I'm writing a book on the subject -- so I might some day ask you if it's okay to quote you. 🙂 )

So here's my question:

You have something you feel is really important (politics, family, community, religion, morality, the relative quality of Packers and Vikings fans, etc). But it's something that others feel equally strongly about, but in a different way. You believe having people believe "X" is important for life/the universe/global peace/whatever, and the other person believes having people believe "not X" is what is important.

So, how do you ensure that the "other guy" listens in a way that he/she is more likely to change his/her mind?

(Actually I have a second ulterior motive: despite my constant emphasis on listening, I'm going through one of those periods where I seem to be unable to get anyone to listen to what I'm saying. And I want to change that. 🙂 )

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Interesting query Wade.
I sometimes think that you think of us as another of your class of students, probing our minds and searching for tidbits of insight and provocative thought. ::wink:

OK, I'm game.
There is much to be said about this and many schools of thought on this subject. But I will start out with some of my core beliefs

Try as you might, you really can't make people listen. The argument for semantics begs attention here, in that people will "hear" you if you talk.
But hearing is a passive activity that occurs whenever the ear perceives sound waves. As far as the act of listening, which is truly trying to understand another person's point of view, that is an act of the will. As such, it cannot be forced.People must choose to listen; you can't make them do it.

While it's true that we don't have control over others' personal choices and therefore can't force people to listen, we do have control over the kind of atmosphere we create.

The first thing to do when you want to "make people listen" is know the person that you are talking to. And perhaps the first aspect to consider in "getting people to listen" is ensuring your message is purposeful.

Even with above said, I truly believe that you must first give what you want to get. In other words, if you want people to listen to you, you first must listen to them.The likelihood of other people listening increases dramatically when you're listening well yourself.

Much more that I could say, but as a "chronologically challenged" person it is getting close to my sleep time. So for now, I shall leave it here.

To be continued....

I couldn't agree more.

Eventually, it'll come down to the listener and how open minded he/she is. Every person has some points where he/she won't budge on. There's no way that anyone can convince me that a flat tax is better than a progressive one, for instance.

However, that doesn't mean that I'm not listening. I read what you type. I read what Alan has to say, even though we're exact opposites on politics.

Of course, everyone has some points where you can be swayed on easily. The problem might be more that you'll never know what kind of an impact you made on that person's opinion or further decisions. You can change someone's life with a small conversation, yet, never knew you did.

How you change someone's mind who's thinking the exact opposite is a difficult one. You could just hammer your point into someone, but really, it's all about the openness of the other person, rather that how you bring your point.

And I rant and rant, but really never answer your question. Good luck with that one. Vikes helped you quite well. Rourke will write you an essay. Foster will write something down of which half I won't understand. I love this forum.

Nobody has listened to me for 67 years. I don't expect anyone to start now.
I believe in the old saying, "agreeing to disagree." I am one of those types of humans that when someone tries to get me to change my way of thinking, AND they won't take no for an answer, I get my hackles up and no way am I going to budge. To me, trying to push something you believe in down someone's throat and that person feels strongly the opposite, borders on verbal abuse. (for lack of a better word here.)

I have always been one to try compromise first, then if I'm wrong I admit so. Only after throwing a fit and crying for my mommy. I'm never wrong, so there!!!

The big thing is getting along and everyone trying to see the others point of view. You may not agree with them; they may not agree with you. But getting along and working together seems best to me.

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It is very difficult to change someone's mind if they do not come to you seeking your advice/opinion.

I was looking for the first quote below and found a few others as well.




quotes 

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You can't guarantee any kind of non-antagonistic response from someone who believes very strongly in the opposing viewpoint to your own. The very question you ask helps underline this fact, because it focuses on how YOU make THEM listen to your stance. I think it's safe to assume both participants in this kind of discussion/argument are thinking the same thing. You have zero interest in what they have to say. You only want to convince them that your stance in the correct one. Nobody wants to be the one influenced in these situations.

I would focus entirely on, "What would someone have to say to convince you to consider changing your stance on issue X?" Flip the whole issue around.

In my time on internet message boards, I've been influenced to change my opinion on something ONCE regarding a major issue, and that was gun rights. Intelligent points, factual evidence, and some thought-provoking philisophical inquiries were what worked on me. You have to get people to back up their beliefs on an issue all the way, until you're shifting how they fundamentally approach the topic.

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Actually the best way to get someone to do what you want is to have them think it is their idea to begin with. I think Dale Carnegie said something like that. He also advocated listening to the other person and letting them talk about what they want to talk about. After a while you can work in what you want to the conversation but only so far as how it is going to benefit the other person.

To get them to see your point of view is a time consuming venture if it is done correctly.

I often get into trouble with my wife if I just cut corners in our conversation. It allows her to read and assume way to much. I then have to back track. Tell her in great detail all the whys, wheres and so one. I have to show her what I was thinking at the time and why I took the verbal short cut. (Which by now is 6 times as long as it should have been.) I have to show her exactly where she got "lost" and then point out that it was all my fault for not taking the time to make myself understood. Some where in the process I have to tell her I am just a guy and we are not smart enough to think of all the stuff she could come up with.

We have been doing this for so long now (32 years) that I can simply say, "I tried to take a short cut" when I get into trouble and she let's it go at that. Bless her heart. ::wink: And usually she let's me off the hook.

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The best way is if you are lucky enough to be having the conversation with someone else, and the one who you want to "sway" is only listening in. That way, they don't feel like they are being "attacked" and usually are more open minded. In other words, they can take it all in, and not feel they have to "defend" themselves.
Unfortunately, this doesn't happen very often. But i HAVE had people come up to me and say they were listening, and had never thought of it that way. If you don't feel cornered, you are for apt to listen open minded.

In the end though, there's no way to guarentee someone will agree with you.
I try to show respect to people even if I don't agree with them. Sometimes they will do the same back, but not always.

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I guess I have a question to pose, why is it important that they agree with your opinion or view? I think that very dynamic is part of the key to painting a portrait effective enough to sway their opinion or judgment.

Hot bed topics such as politics, religion or your fan hood is a losing cause to begin with since they are such subjective subjects that invoke such strong emotional connections.

I mean, other than emotion, why on the god's green earth would you root for the Vikings? 😉

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Wait. I just thought of a sure fire way to get people ot agree with you ever single time.

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