I believe I had mentioned a few weeks ago that I made the rather severe error of sitting on my lazy behind when I had the option of going carpet shopping with my significant other.
That was some of the most expensive laziness that I can recall. First let me defend myself by stating that my motivation for not accompanying my wife had nothing to do with inherent laziness, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding.
My motivation for a lack of motivation had everything to do with carpet selection.
That exercise is when you really find out the difference between men and women. Women start off with color, proceed to style, want to know the warranty, spend possibly hours debating the stain resistant features of the various brands, fart around with padding decisions, never really come to a final conclusion on the color (even after you buy it)... the LAST thing they worry about is the price, and if they worry about it at all, it will be because their selection ISN'T the most expensive option. If they didn't pick the most expensive one-in their mind at least-they have somehow failed in the selection process and (I wouldn't doubt) feel a strong desire to start OVER at the beginning...you know, color...BUT with the "good stuff."
Another reason not to go is the relationship between you, your wife, and the carpet salesman....Excuse me, "flooring consultant". You KNOW you are going to catch it right in the nether regions if you are purchasing carpet from a "flooring consultant". FORGET about Lowe's, or Home Depot (Menard's sell carpet? Never mind, forget them too)
Nope. Can't have it...Not acceptable to a fully-blown-female type. 1st off she falls in love with the "flooring consultant", because he happens to know like 3 things more than the minimum wage kid in the carpet dept. at Home Depot....as if HE is working for minimum wage, but I'll get to that...
Next is the INSTALLATION. The installers at Home Depot, Lowe's, etc. are lumped together with the minimum wage guy/gal, perception-wise with the the wife. Nevermind that they install probably 50 times the carpet that the "flooring specialists" store does, they are "too cheap (install) to be any good". I don't make shit like this up, I friggin' swear.
For you apartment dwellers, I guess I would have to hope you have seen some of the movies that feature wedding planners. If you can get that picture, then add in some manual labor on the part of the poor sob husband, you will begin to get the picture I am attempting to paint here.
OK, so now you know I didn't go.
Now let me tell you why I should have gone. I have skills...I know you guys wouldn't believe it, but I could have steered this selection process into something reasonable...see color insecurities, etc....
First (only?) thing a husband wants to know is....
How much?
Now, in marriage number one I would have walked in and out just as soon as I was handed a "flooring consultant" card. I would have probably not even authorized wifely-participation in the selection process. The criteria would have been to get the hell out of home depot with the carpet and padding for a self-install as absolutely cheaply as possible. Plan b would be a remnant from Mr. flooring consultant, including practically coming to blows with him over padding prices. I wonder how wife number one is doing these days?
Marriage number two would be war. I would go, we would fight, she would win, but I would have got all of my points across in the process, which is really important for her to finally understand what should and should not be a priority when making a carpet purchase. I hear wife number two is living in the Dallas Fort-Worth area, and is happy as a single-lass.
So, here we are. I let wife number three "do her thing". We are talking one average sized bedroom and one reasonably short hallway. She rolled in with four samples about 3 weeks ago, for me to help "choose" the color. I bet you young bucks think I would actually pick a color, lol...
No! You look for cues, body language...listen and wait...You let HER pick the color, just don't let her know that she did! You have to go very female non-commital at this most critical stage, or YOU WILL WIND UP HAVING TO GO TO THE CARPET STORE! I pass on this advice in order to assist the single men in here in their quest to remain married, having paid the toll on their behalf.
$1200.00 one bedroom. one short hallway. They require her (me) to remove the old carpeting and padding, all the staples, and have a pristine floor ready for them, AND they are not hauling away the old carpet.
My wife is such a savvy negotiator. I would bet she might have wondered aloud if she was in the right place because they weren't charging enough or something, but I digress.
OK, so upon that little piece of news I have given the flooring consultant a new title, which is c#cksucker, and have been informed that he will be visiting to take measurements the next day.
You have seen the pictures of my dog. He has that great bark and growl, and that deep baritone. He goes into "intruder-mode" immediately upon the door bell ringing. NORMALLY I say "shush", restrain him, open the door slightly and advise the person that, "Don't worry, he doesn't bite" etc.
Max will act like he is going to kill you right up until you stick your hand out and try and pet him. He will then wag his tail and be your buddy (there have been exceptions having to do with some of the thugs that my son hangs with, but they don't come here anymore)
Like I said, normally I restrain the dog, but I wanted to establish our negotiating parameters and perspectives, and felt that it good for him to know that I was not as in love with him as my wife was the previous day...however subtle my message might have been.
If you don't have a dog, you should get one. The flooring consultant damn near died in fear right on the spot. This is the highlight of my story for me.
So, I'd like to say that I negotiated the price down, but sadly, his expertise lies at least as much in husband/wife relations as it does with flooring, which, when you think about it, is probably why he earns his commissions. A non-attending husband (selection process) is a dead husband, in the negotiation department. He knows this, he knows I know this, and he knows that I know that he knows. I'm f$cked, and (I think because of the dog thing and my weak attempt to re-establish things "properly")
the price went up.
$1296.00 (she had the exact measurements when she went to the store in the first place)
He throws me a crumb. A very. small. crumb. He knows this is coming too, because it DOES involve MY input (as their slave--my wife and him)
He will take the old carpet. I STILL have to take up the old, plus the old padding, plus all the staples, AND cut it into 4 foot wide sections...
(I think I heard the motherf$cker snickering when he walked to his car)
Install Tuesday. I have been pulling up the old shit, and am now in the process of removing a million staples. One. at. a. time.
Whaddya want for $1300.00 ---for one. friggin'. bedroom. and short hall. of friggin'
brown? beige? whatever.
carpet.
...And I am pissed! At those staples.
It's really all I am allowed to be pissed at.
:tongue3: