I am obese.

No, correct that. I am grossly obese. When I weighed myself this morning, the scale tipped at 363. It's, well, "gross" is really the only word, isn't it?

I have no one to blame for this condition but myself. My obesity is the result of choices I have made, many of them, over a period of years. The premature baby of four and a half pounds didn't become someone all too close to four hundred overnight. It has taken me years of choices, choices about food (too much) and exercise (far too little).

My fatness, my grossness, is my responsibility. No one else's.

I'd chastise others for intolerance of the obese, fatism, or whatever the politically correct might be calling it today. But that would be wrong. As Jesus said, the judgment of other's character is not mine, but His. And, to be honest, I'm guilty of the same intolerance. Of the same exclusivity of tastes.

Do I consider women of my shape as equally "beautiful"? Do I not prefer women who look good in miniskirts and stilettos, small-breasted women who look good in basic black evening gowns plunging down to here and slit up to there. I'm not particularly proud of these prejudices of mine, but denying would be lying, and worse.

Do I only laugh with the late John Candy and the Kung Fu Panda? Or do I laugh with them only because I'm also laughing at them in their fatness? When I watch Beverly Hills Ninja, do I see anything other than a fat man, a buffoon because of his presumption to martial arts mastery and the attention of the young and leggy Nicollette Sheridan?

I laughed and shuddered at the "People of WalMart" photos, but as I was doing so, did I remember that, unlike me, many of those people probably can't afford to shot at CasualMaleXL, Or KingSizeDirect, much less at Rochester Big and Tall? That were I, like them, relegated to choices of the WalMarts and Targets and the other stores in their town, I'd have few choices in my size, that I might find myself having to buy clothes two sizes too small?

This is not a request for pity, or even understanding. As I said, I know who bears responsibility for my condition. I see him every day when, in the morning, I ask myself to look in the mirror.

When I'm in an excuse-making mood, I might blame my weight on the bad knees that made me stop my two favorite athletic activities, running and basketball. Or on "the job" that keeps me sedentary all day and mentally exhausts me so that I wish nothing other than vegetation in an easy chair and mindless movies in the evening. Or I'd gripe about the insurance company who professes to be concerned about wellness but refused to pay for a visit to my physician because the physician's primary diagnosis was "obesity."

But when I'm honest with myself, I know these all for the impostering excuses that they are.

It's no one else who lets the Bowflex and the Total Gym go unused. It's no one else who failed to go to the health club when I was a member. It's no one else who doesn't take the dog for enough walks. It's no one else who buys the cheese and the lunchmeat and the large fries. Who eats an excess of processed sugar and flour.

It is one individual, and one individual alone who is responsible. One individual and one individual alone who has made talk of "retirement planning" moot. One individual, and one individual alone who has made it unlikely that my heart will survive my fifties. One individual and one individual alone who has led me down the path to GERD, to glucose intolerance, to a whisper's distance from Type II diabetes. One individual and one individual alone who has spent most of his life squandering the gifts God has given him.

No, this essay is not a request for pity or sympathy or any of that. I'm not deserving.

If I would ask anything of you, I would ask you to simply remember that each fat person you meet or observe is still an individual. That they aren't fat because they fit some particular abstraction like "lazy" or "socially inept" or "hate themselves" or "dumb" or "lower class" or "uneducated."

That they are obese because they have made an individual's choices. And that each individual chooses because of the particulars of their being at the moment of choice. I know that in economics we talk about choices as the result of perceived costs and benefits, yet all of us -- economists and non-economists alike -- should not forget that those perceptions are always those of discrete and unique individuals.

I don't claim that all fat people chose their too-much-eating and their too-little-exercise for the same "reasons" I chose mine. My choices were made because of my particulars, the particulars that of my brain have tended me toward depression and a lack of lifelong relationships, the particulars of my development that have shaped my fears of social contact and what other people think, the particulars of my body and mind and soul. And my particulars are not the identiical particulars of other fat and out-of-shape people any more than they are the identical particulars of thin and in-shape people.

In my opinion there is only one generalization you can apply to the fat and the obese: that almost none of us set out to be fat or obese. We chose other things -- eating and exercise practices, most particularly -- that led down our paths to fatness and obesity. Yes. Of course. But those other things we chose, not for the same reasons or from the same perceptions, but for unique and individual ones.

That is true of the choices each fat or obese person has made to get where they are today. And that is true of the choices they make today and for whatever tomorrows their prior choices have left them.

I do not ask you to excuse them of their responsibility for their choices, any more than I ask you to excuse me of mine. I do not ask you to blame yourselves or society for those choices, either. I ask that you strive to remember that they are individuals. That they have not followed your path because are not you. That choices which you see as obvious or easy or essential they may see as neither obvious nor easy nor essential. That choices you see as simple they see as anything but.

Not because they are dumb or lazy or ignorant or socially deprived or poor.

But because they aren't you. Because they haven't lived and moved on your path.

OR each other's.

OR mine.

Only their own.

Thanks for listening.

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Good stuff, Wade. Correction, GREAT stuff.

Once upon a time in the (not very distant past) I had a subordinate that was obese. I had a boss that held this against him. He was around 480. That is not the story, though. His weight WAS a story, in the sense that he had endured a lifetime of prejudices, rejections, etc.--- and emerged (at the point in his life where I was privileged to know and work with him) as an incredibly insightful, tolerant and gracious person. Everyone liked and respected him. He was a father of four children...his wife had dumped him...I could go on and on.

Yet he not only endured, he thrived, as he had an inner dignity hewn (I can only speculate) through overcoming those prejudices.

My boss fired him for an extremely minor infraction of a company rule. My boss was never at this particular location, (maybe once a month, cameo appearance) and never saw how well liked and respected he truly was. All he knew was that he was fat. Here comes the hyper-hypocrite part...

The bitch of it?

My boss was a devout Christian. Huge "deacon-whatever" at one of those mega-Baptist churches. He was the regional head of "Promise Keepers." He ran an openly Christian-based retail chain. Company vision: "To please God with the quality of our work." He was also a pilot performing many, many "angel flights" weekly.

After I called him every single name in the book I could think of, I resigned my position---I had JUST been promoted by this man a couple of hours beforehand, with a 30K raise to boot. (This was just after I had got out of the service)

Some fucking Christian. Christian unless you are overweight, I guess. I wish I had taken the time and trouble to go paint that on his twin beech before leaving his employ.

Like I said, I hate a bully, in all forms and guises.

I don't know what happened to my overweight co-worker, but I only hope for the sake of his next employer that he was wise enough to recognize what an incredible gift God had bestowed upon him via some burgers and such.

It made him a nice person. You know, like you.

Most of my friends are obese, as well. They all range from 130kg (285lbs) to 160kg (353lbs). They've chosen to spent their time mostly in their rooms behind their PCs. I fear for their health from time to time.

The thing is, though, that it'd be totally hypocritical off me to say or do anything about it. I'm around 160lbs myself, and I do just as little. Maybe you can describe it as something L ucked out on.

You sound like you've already given up, though. Like you think it's incorrectable. I'd estimate you to be in your mid to late forties. There's still plenty of time to take these 'missed' chances. Do something that doesn't involve your knees. Do some work in the gym or something. I mean, you realize what's on the line and that you're responsible for most of it. That's the first step, I can imagine. Take some motivation out of that and get working.

And don't you go in denial now.

Again, very hypocritical of me to tell you this and, I can imagine, that this isn't what you want to hear from some 18 year old kid, so take it for what it's worth.

Wade is gonna like the 40's thing, lol

Erm... sorry beforehand, Wade. Lol.

Great read. I myself have struggled with obesity but I had it bad--when I was child. I first weighed in at 300 lbs when I was in 8th grade. I was 13 years old and already 300 lbs. It's hard to change your eating habits when you grow up eating poorly and it was especially hard because my parents were divorced. At my mom's house the most unhealthy thing you could find were honey nut cheerios. At my dad's house there were 4 jars full of different candies or cookies. Talk about mixed messages.

But as I got older I started to be more comfortable with my weight. To this day I still can't exercise in front of other people because of my weight but I don't hold it against myself. I enjoy the pleasures of eating too much to waste my time bringing myself down. Then in high school my mom lost over 100 lbs in about a year and a half. Needless to say I was shocked that something could be done, so in my sophomore year I tried the diet my mom went on. This was not easy at all. I had an addiction to soda and so I just switched to diet and ate protein bars all day. I then added that with some exercise at home and lost 20 lbs quickly but I could never keep a diet going. That was the start of my weight fluctuations that still exist today.

I've tried numerous diets since then and different forms of exercise all to no avail. In college I became more aware of what I was eating and started to realize that it wasn't what I ate but how much I was eating. I then started a simple program that I created myself to fit my needs. None of those trendy diets or exercise machines did it for me but a program that I created myself was perfect. All it entailed was when I got a meal I would order it smaller than normal. I decreased my portions and stopped snacking so much. I also started lifting 20 lb weights and doing 20 push-ups and 20 sit-ups a day. It took me literally 10-20 minutes a day to these simple exercises and even then I would still skip them sometimes. Later in my second semester I went to the doctor because I was sick and they weighed me. I came in at 240 lbs. I couldn't believe it. Because the weight came off so gradually I felt like I wasn't losing anything and thought that I still weighed the same 300 lbs.

The problem is even at 240 and 230 a month later I still had a fat mans mentality. I couldn't escape from it. It was the way I grew up and for some reason I envision everyone that looks at me as seeing me as disgusting. My biggest problem with women is not the fear of rejection but that they think I look like a fat, disgusting person. Someone they would never want to be seen with.

So now at 21 years old I weigh about 260 lbs give or take 10. I fluctuate a lot because my attitude towards food is always changing (and because I tend to binge drink). However I never stopped my simple little program--a little less food and a little more exercise is the recipe for weight loss. There's no reason to go overboard, that will only tire you out and leave you feeling even more depressed when the results don't work as fast as you are. I've been in a rut recently but I equate that to a little bit of depression in the last 4-5 months. Now I'm getting back on that train and trying to slim back down again. Being 6'4 also helps me hold the weight a little bit. Also one of the biggest things that helped me was not conquering my love of soda but switching it to sparkling water. I go through a 12-pack of La Croix in 1-2 days. I just love carbonated beverages and I tried to find a better way to consume them.

In the end though Wade I completely agree with your observations. We alone make the choices and we alone choose how to perceive ourselves.

Wade....GREAT posting!!!
I have been overweight most of my life. Alot of it is genetic. I don't have to eat much to gain weight. I'm 5 foot 8 inches tall. The heaviest i have been is 240 pounds. But i'm small framed, and carry it all in my gut.
I don't know how old you are, but it's NOT too late to make changes. The reason i say that is, I don't want you to have to go through what i did this year. Open heart quadruple bypass surgery. If you can take charge of your life, you can possibly avoid the things like that, and the diabetes and hypertension like i have.
Believe me, i KNOW it's not easy. Since my surgery, i have been eatting better. A BIG thing is portion size. I cut WAY down on how much i eat. It's hard at first, but when you keep at it, you realize how much you had been eatting after you were really full. I also have been walking. Thats hard too, as i have bad knees and a bad back (arthritus of the spine). So walking hurts. But i still have 2 blockages in my heart they couldn't fix, and i don't want to ever have to go through that surgery again. As of this morning i'm 195 pounds. And still i'm fat.
I KNOW what you mean as far as people looking down at you. I have been laughed at many times, and am very self conscious.
Don't give up! It starts with baby steps. It doesn't change over night. But if you keep at it, you can "get better". Your health is whats most important as far as weight goes.
If you want someone to talk to, and you don't want to post it, you can PM me and i'll try to help!

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Dfoster....i know what you mean. I have known many so called "Christians". You should have confronted the guy for his not so Christians attitude.
It's not God's fault of course that there are hypocrites like that. Keep in mind, this man WILL have to answer for how he treats others some day. He won't get away with it.
I am a Christian. I also know i'm far from perfect, and try to treat others as i would like to be treated.

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thanks for sharing this with us, wade. i'm hopeful that it will give someone insight into what it's like to be obese. i was there once. during my separation & divorce, i lost close to 90 lbs. i met my hubby-to-be 2 years ago & have gained back about 30 of those lbs which i'm working on losing again. my husband is, like you, over 300lbs. i fell in love with his spirit, intelligence, & darn it if he's not awful cute too. lol. he makes me laugh when i need it, cry when i need to, & is a very loving man.

Thats the funny part 4pack. Alot of "fat" people are funny. You know, like the saying always goes.
People that are overweight often have to develope a good personality to be accepted. "Pretty" people don't have to because they can live off their looks.
(I' not saying all people that are overweight are jolly, or all pretty people have no personality, but you can see what i'm talking about if you pay attention to alot of people)

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