longtimefan
16 years ago
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As you undoubtedly have heard, Brett Favre is considering a return to the NFL. In fact, he reportedly is scheduled to meet in his hometown of Hattiesburg, Miss., with Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress at any moment.


Here is an exclusive transcript of that meeting in real time.

(Scene: Favre and Childress pull up to a restaurant. The parking lot is nearly full. "Don't normally see so many cars here," Favre says. Childress does not respond. The two men enter the restaurant. Childress nods to the manager.

"I reserved a private room for us in the back," Childress says to Favre. The quarterback opens the door to the room and walks in. He sees dozens of family and friends and former teammates sitting inside.)

Favre: "Coach Holmgren? Willie Mays? Barbra Streisand? What are all of you doing here in Hattiesburg?"

Mike Holmgren: "We're here for you, Brett."

Favre: "To celebrate my return with the Vikings? I knew people still believe "

Holmgren: "No, Brett. No. This is an intervention. We are here to get you to stop. We -- people who care about you -- are here to tell you that you still will be liked, still can be liked, if you just step away from the game. Please. Please just let it go."

(Favre turns to leave, but Childress slips out the door first, locking it behind him.)

Holmgren: "There's nowhere to go, Brett. You have to stay. You can't go to Minnesota. You have to stay here."

Favre: "But what do you know, Coach? You went to Seattle after becoming a legend in Green Bay. Telling me I can't keep playing -- you're a hypocrite."

Holmgren: "Oh, Brett. How can you not see the difference, you simple man? I'm a coach, not a player. And I can give you advice, as someone who stayed around too long. My team was 4-12 this past season in Seattle, Brett. 4-12. We had fluorescent green hats, Brett. Fluorescent green hats! I don't want that for you."

Mays: "Let me say something. Brett, as a fellow sports legend who's been there, don't do this. It will hurt your legacy. I wish people didn't have the memory of me throwing interceptions for the Jets."

Holmgren: "You mean dropping fly balls for the Mets?"

Mays: "What did I say?"

Holmgren: "Throwing interceptions for the Jets."

Mays: "Oh. Yeah. I misspoke. I never threw interceptions for the Jets. Brett did, though."

Eric Mangini: "Twenty-two of them, actually, as a point of fact. Seven in the last three games. Just throwing that out there."

Holmgren: "Not necessary, Eric. MJ, you're someone who has been down this road, had a disappointing comeback. What do you have to say to Brett?"

Michael Jordan: "What the ^%#@ do you mean, 'disappointing comeback'? I could still play, fat man. I'm just passing through town 'cause there are casinos a few miles from here on the coast."

Holmgren: "Not helpful. John, what do you have to say?"



John Madden: "You have to realize that your decisions affect other people, Brett Favre. With these comebacks every spring, you're taking a roster spot away from someone else. You're turning your family's life upside-down. Most of all, you're ruining everything for me. If you come back, I have to come back. This is bigger than you, Brett."

Holmgren: "OK, great. Let's keep the ball rolling."

Sterling Sharpe: "There are options outside of football, buddy. You could do TV. Think of all those cameras."

Don Majkowski: "If I can step away with dignity, you can too, Brett. For I was The Majik Man!"

(Several people whisper: "Who is that guy?")

Gilbert Brown: "Just take your time with this decision, No. 4. Don't rush it and do something you'll regret. Also, they haven't brought in the main course yet, so we're in no hurry. Hey! Manager! CAN YOU HEAR ME? We're starving in here."

Holmgren: "Think about your health, Brett. Your arm is already injured. You're not a young man. If you keep coming back, something bad could happen. [Holmgren gestures to several famous boxers in the corner.] Hey, guys! Wake up!"

Guy from the Wrangler commercial: "We don't want you to play in the NFL, Brett. If you need to play football, just throw on a pair of jeans and come out to the overgrown field in the middle of nowhere with us to throw it around. What more could you need than two-hand touch in 18-inch grass while wearing five-star, premium-quality denim?"

Labrador retriever from Wrangler commercial: "Woof! Woof!"

Lawn mower: "Vrooooooom. Rrrrr. Rrrrr. ROOOOOOOOAAAARRRRR."

Favre: "You know, you all make some sense. Especially you, lawn mower. Maybe I should just call it a career. And for real this time."

Holmgren: "Yes. Yes, Brett. Outstanding. Do you want to make it official? I can call the media in here right now."


Favre: "Media? There's media here?"

Holmgren: "Of course."

Favre: "Awesome. I have to milk this. Let me get the fake tears going and run through a few everyman lines, and then you can send them in."

Holmgren: "You're not sincere about this retiring-for-good decision, are you?"

Favre: "No questions now, Coach. My audience awaits. How does this sound? 'Hey, y'all. I reckon I'm mighty appreciative of y'all comin' on down here to Mississippi from yer big cities to see little old me. Just got off my tractor, upon which I do my decidin', and I have an announcement.' Do you think that's too much, Coach?"

Jordan: "Does anybody know whether these places down here have blackjack? I didn't come all the way down to Mississippi for no #%&!*$ slots."

Holmgren: "Umm Brett I have some bad news. All the media just left to go cover Manny Ramirez. He was just suspended for failing a drug test."

Favre: "Nooooooooooooo! When is his suspension over?"

Holmgren: "They say July 3rd."

Favre: "Perfect, I will re-emerge and have the media spotlight all to myself on July 4th -- a fitting day for an American hero."

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is on sale now.

Cheesey
16 years ago
Oh.....now that there is what y'all call FUNNY!!!!LOLOLOL!!!
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    wpr (9h) : It's all good.
    beast (20h) : Yeah, and I enjoyed your comments and just attempted to add to it. Sorry if I did it incorrectly.
    wpr (22h) : Beast I never said Henderson was the salt of the earth. Nor even that he was correct. Just quoting the guy.
    Zero2Cool (29-May) : What did you do??
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    wpr (28-May) : Hollywood Henderson said Bradshaw “is so dumb, he couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the C and an A.”
    Mucky Tundra (28-May) : Cooper stock=BUY BUY BUY
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    Mucky Tundra (28-May) : @AndyHermanNFL MLF says there was a time last year where Cooper was at 220 pounds. Now he’s at 240 and still flying around.
    Mucky Tundra (28-May) : And don't even get me started on Frank Caliendos "impersonations"
    Mucky Tundra (28-May) : I got tired of them being circle jerks with them overlaughing at each others jokes.
    Zero2Cool (28-May) : It used to be must watch TV for me. now it's "meh" maybe to hear injury update
    Mucky Tundra (28-May) : I haven't watched the pregame shows in years and I don't feel like I've missed a thing
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    buckeyepackfan (28-May) : He wad all butt hurt because Aaron duped the media saying he was immunized.
    buckeyepackfan (28-May) : Bradshaw needs to retire. He's been ripping on Rodgers ever since the covid crap. He was all hury
    Zero2Cool (28-May) : Terry Bradshaw doesn't want Rodgers in Pittsburgh lol wow
    Zero2Cool (27-May) : one day contract, which he also feels is pointless, but if Packers came to him, he would
    packerfanoutwest (27-May) : Aaron Rodgers talks possibility of retiring with Packers, just another rumor
    dfosterf (27-May) : Go watch 2001
    Zero2Cool (26-May) : 1984
    dfosterf (26-May) : That movie sent a chill through many. 1968.
    dfosterf (26-May) : "Open the pod bay doors, HAL"
    buckeyepackfan (25-May) : Haven't we all seen thus movie? It doesn't end well!! Lol
    Zero2Cool (25-May) : lol Anthropic’s new AI model turns to blackmail when engineers try to take it offline
    dfosterf (25-May) : Claude Opus 4
    dfosterf (25-May) : AI system resorts to blackmail when its developers threaten to take it offline
    beast (22-May) : Colts Owner Jim Irsay has passed away
    Zero2Cool (21-May) : Well, emailing should work now. After not working for almost a year. Oops.
    Zero2Cool (21-May) : Brotherly Shove did not get enough votes.
    Zero2Cool (20-May) : lol our email hasn't worked in months. 7 pages of unverified users
    Zero2Cool (20-May) : MySpace Screaming Lord Byron ... Brett Favre.
    Zero2Cool (19-May) : Packers have signed first-round pick Matthew Golden, leaving second-round tackle Anthony Belton as their only unsigned draft pick
    beast (19-May) : Supposedly he has to take his image, and name off of it... but otherwise could keep selling wine if he wanted to.
    Zero2Cool (19-May) : he giving up his win business?
    beast (19-May) : Speaking of Woodson, sounds like he'll be a minority owner (0.1%) of the Browns
    Mucky Tundra (15-May) : Zero, regarding Woodson, that'd why I find the timing with Williams peculiar
    dfosterf (15-May) : Ryan Hall y'all does a great job of tracking thesr
    Zero2Cool (15-May) : Fear not!! I planned to do 33mi bike ride tomorrow morning, so ... yeah
    Zero2Cool (15-May) : We got some dark clouds and nasty winds right bout now.
    Zero2Cool (15-May) : Madison they had hail 4pm.
    dfosterf (15-May) : Sure looks like these tornadoes are headed towards Green Bay
    Zero2Cool (15-May) : Woodson of Charles fame was reluctant and then loved it. that didn't really come out until post career
    Mucky Tundra (15-May) : IE "We bought into the Bears and they let us down, we have no choice to seek alternatives"
    Mucky Tundra (15-May) : Or that Williams and his family are preparing an exit ramp if they don't like how things are going in a few years
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