Nonstopdrivel
15 years ago

And Now for Something Completely Different 

by ericj69 on Feb 18, 2009 10:41 AM CST

If you read this blog with any regularity, I bet you're wondering to yourself, "Y'know, I really wish these guys would address the Vikings' quarterback situation a little more. There are a lot of potential QB candidates out there; I hope that Gonzo & Co. address this in detail soon." Well, wait no more my friend! You are in luck!

If you didn't immediately recognize that the previous paragraph was dripping with sarcasm, I hope you're enjoying your first visit to our site. We've no doubt covered the tenuous Vikings quarterback situation ad nauseum since the offseason started, especially in regards to this Matt Cassel guy. At least a couple times. But a couple of names have come to the forefront in the past couple days in the comments and Fanposts that I'd like to take the time to address: Michael Vick and Jeff Garcia.

So without further ado, as Monty Python says, and now for something completely different: even more quarterback talk.

I'll get the ridiculous option out of the way first. Atlanta has already started shopping a trade for Michael Vick, even though there are those pesky little issues that he's STILL IN JAIL and he might face an NFL suspension when he gets out. Kudos to Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff for having the chutzpah to try this; it's like posting fliers up and down your block trying to sell your dog while he's still in the pound for biting your neighbor's kid. (What? Why are you groaning and looking at me like that? Still too soon for the Vick/dog jokes? Fine. You're no fun.)

For argument's sake, let's put aside the fact that Vick has more baggage than Samsonite for a second. Let's assume he comes back in the same form as when he left the league (which is incredibly unlikely; even Jenna Jameson would probably be rusty if she came back after a couple years off). With this theoretical "in his prime" Vick, why would the Vikings even think about getting him when they already have their own version?

The Vikings' version of Mr. Ron Mexico: Tarvaris Jackson. Think about it. He's a great athlete and an excellent scrambler. He's got a cannon for an arm. However, he's frustratingly inaccurate and often makes poor decisions due to below-average field vision. He even wears number 7!

Granted, Vick's athleticism was most likely a step above that of T-Jax. That OT run he made in the Metrodome still gives me chills/nightmares. But everything else about their games is eerily similar, and it seems to be the general consensus among Vikings fans that Jackson isn't exactly making us all tingly inside right now. And of course, picking up Vick would be such a media nightmare that it would make A-Rod's awkward press conference yesterday seem like Lou Gherig's farewell speech.

So Vick's out, for all sorts of reasons. Agreed? Good. The second (and in my opinion viable) option is Jeff Garcia. The cons of going after him are definitely justifiable. He's going to be 39 very soon. He was banged up at the end of last year, it wasn't the first time in his career he's been hurt, and it was a big reason the Bucs crapped the bed to finish off 2008. He's never had a top-level arm. He's married to a former Playmate of the Year, which is obviously totally unfair. I mean, c'mon, really? Those two are married?

I cannot disagree with any of those points. However, it's not like the Vikings have an incredible lineup to choose from at the moment. In fact, it's like the Vikes are drunk guys in their mid-to-late 20's looking for girls to hook up with at the bar around 1:30 AM.

Let me explain.

Most of the truly hot girls with no baggage have already gone home with their boyfriends, and there's no way you'd be able to pull any of them away. (Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, etc.)

There's the hottie that you might be able to get if you buy her about ten of those $20 martinis, but you can't really afford that. Besides, every dude in the bar is hitting on her and you don't really know that much about her to begin with. (Matt Cassel)

There's the girl that came out of nowhere back in the day to claim her spot as one of the hottest girls around, but then she got a boyfriend and just sort of disappeared. Well, now she's single again and just as hot as she used to be! Unfortunately, you're pretty sure she's going to stick with the guy she came to the bar with and she couldn't possibly be this hot for much longer. (Kurt Warner)

There's the group of cute girls who probably got in with fake IDs. They might be good hookup material in a couple years, but you know that you'd feel guilty if you brought any of them home tonight and expected them to be savvy enough to keep up with the experience you require. (Draft class QBs of 2009)

Of course there's always the old cougar that would love to go home with you. She probably shouldn't even be at this bar, and she swears she doesn't come here anymore, but lo and behold, here she is. She used to be amazing, and your buddies have plenty of stories about how awesome she was. But you know better. You've seen first-hand that she can sabotage hookups as fast as she initiates them, even when she was in her prime. One minute she's the best looking girl at the bar; the next minute she's an overtanned emotional wreck, sobbing about her biological clock while getting mascara all over your shirt and effectively killing your night. (Brett Favre)

Finally, there's the girl that you've known for a few years now. She's definitely cute, but not gorgeous either. She's older, but not a head case like the cougar. She's had some bad relationships, but she never seems worse for the wear. You won't have to buy her a ton of drinks to make her interested. And at this point in the night, she's looking more and more like the best option. (Jeff Garcia)

Although I agree that Garcia isn't ideal, I think he makes the most sense out of everyone. He's a West Coast Offense veteran. He can buy time with his legs and he's famously careful with the ball. And of course the potential of seeing this anywhere near the Metrodome is always a plus!

So my advice to the Vikings front office: take Garcia home, because it's almost closing time and it could be a lot worse. Especially after you consider the past couple girls you went home with (Tarvaris Jackson, Gus Frerotte). Yeesh.


UserPostedImage
bozz_2006
15 years ago
that was a little wordy. I'll sum it up for everyone. Garcia seems to be the least shitty option for the Vikings QB situation... awesome read.






...no offense directeda at nonstop. It's all directed toward the vikings.
UserPostedImage
Trippster
15 years ago
Funny article.
"Let Your Light Shine!"
Cheesey
15 years ago
I enjoyed it!
It made me laugh!
It made me cry!
It made me.....dang......ran out of things to say.........
UserPostedImage
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Martha Careful (28-Apr) : RIP Packer Safety Tim Brown
beast (27-Apr) : Yeah, but also some of the wording suggestions Jax only pranked called the QB, not the others... and if he had an open spreadsheet & 3 calls
beast (27-Apr) : Thank goodness he's not leaving the Turtle in the Red Tide
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : Cowboys 1st round pick Tyler Booker will indeed be bringing his pet turtle to Dallas with him
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : that contained all prospects info and contact
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : beast, according the Falcons statement Jax came across it on an ipad. If I had to guess, probably an open spread sheet or something
Zero2Cool (27-Apr) : Simmons put up an emoji with cheese.
beast (27-Apr) : Not sure anyone is interested in Isaiah Simmons... Collin Oliver might of taken his potential slot
beast (27-Apr) : I'm going with Jax Ulbrich is not telling the whole truth... he accidentally came across it? Why would a defensive coordinator have a QB #?
Zero2Cool (27-Apr) : He's not that great, but final piece of the script.\
Zero2Cool (27-Apr) : If we add Isaiah Simmons, book your Super Bowl tickets
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : Colts 1st round TE Tyler Warren also got prank called, was that Jax Ulbrich as well?
Zero2Cool (27-Apr) : Jax Ulbrich, Jeff Ulbrich’s son, released an apology for his role in the Shedeur Sanders prank call.
Martha Careful (27-Apr) : apparently he did not participate in practice or play on the east west shrine game nor the NFL combine. The kid was a mediocre spoiled brat
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : Yeah that one that was a super wounded duck that Sanders supporters are highlighting to prove a point
Zero2Cool (27-Apr) : Shough is the guy who missed guys at combine isn't he?
beast (27-Apr) : It's not official until I'm dead! I have a chance still! (Not really)
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : I could feel my body decomposing in real time when I read that
Mucky Tundra (27-Apr) : @MIKEYSAINRISTIL Tyler Shough will officially be the last person drafted to the NFL born in the 1900’s
Mucky Tundra (26-Apr) : saw the tweet, he meant the city
Mucky Tundra (26-Apr) : Was that for the team or the city?
Zero2Cool (26-Apr) : Adam Schefter @AdamSchefter · 3m Draft grade is in: Green Bay gets an A. The people, the city, the venue were all superb. NFL Draft’s next
Zero2Cool (26-Apr) : Matt LaFleur says Jaire Alexander is participating in #Packers offseason program, which has been conducted virtually during this first week
Zero2Cool (26-Apr) : ✅ ...
buckeyepackfan (26-Apr) : Check
Zero2Cool (26-Apr) : Matthew Golden cahanged 81 to 22??
TheKanataThrilla (26-Apr) : Sam Howell to Vikings...guess no Aaron
Martha Careful (26-Apr) : 1 round 7 min, with one extra minute if there is a trade. 2nd round 4 minutes, 3rd -3, 2 thereafter IMO
Martha Careful (26-Apr) : Agree
dfosterf (26-Apr) : Great idea imo
dfosterf (26-Apr) : 1st round to 7 minutes with one extension
dfosterf (26-Apr) : NFL comissioner wants to shorten the 2st
Mucky Tundra (26-Apr) : @jalenreagors They’re discussing if Sheduer can go back to college on NFL Network LMFAOOOOO
beast (26-Apr) : Great point Martha
beast (26-Apr) : Buddy Ryan used to say if a candy bar goes missing, there are two to blame, Rex and Rob 🤪 jk 😁
Martha Careful (26-Apr) : Bum Phillips used to say there are two ways to get better. Get better players or get players to play better. We have a new DL coach
Zero2Cool (26-Apr) : Yes. Look at the losses last year. They can win.
beast (26-Apr) : Can Packers win with their current DL?
bboystyle (26-Apr) : waiting for a pass rusher.
dfosterf (25-Apr) : 5 minutes between picks in the 3rd
dfosterf (25-Apr) : 3rd. Hate this phone
dfosterf (25-Apr) : 4rd
dfosterf (25-Apr) : 5 minutes in the 4
dfosterf (25-Apr) : 7 minutes between picks in the 2nd round
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