djcubez
  • djcubez
  • Senior Member Topic Starter
14 years ago
This is written by a Bears fan but I found it to be quite hilarious.

Disclaimer: the author, a lifelong Chicago Bears fan, decided to watch professional football this weekend as opposed to watching the Bears. As his opinions are colored blue and orange, they should be read with a grain of salt the size of Lot's wife.)

During the bye week, several things of note occurred in the NFC North Division, none of them good for the Chicago Bears.

The Bears defense might be ranked higher as of this writing, but the (expletive deleted) Green Bay Packers (the author pauses to spit) are now the owners of the division's stoutest defense. They utterly pummeled the normally chatty New York Jets into a humbled silence, but then being absolutely stone-walled offensively in one's own house for four quarters will quiet even the most loquacious of teams. Nothing the Jets tried worked, and right tackle Damien Woody(notes) has friction burns from Clay Matthews(notes) running past him. This defense is now healthy and hungry, sensing that the division is still within its grasp. But that's not the worst of it.
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The benighted Detroit Lions handled the Washington Redskins, and are now the owners of the division's most explosive offense. For those required by court order to watch Bears games this season, you'll remember the Redskins as the unwilling beneficiaries of six Bears turnovers last weekend as they won by three in Chicago. This past Sunday, they ran smack into a Lions team with all hands on deck offensively and they could do nothing about it. Matthew Stafford(notes) threw four touchdown passes in his first action since getting injured in Chicago in Week 1, and rookie defensive line monster Ndamukong Suh(notes) has just become a man that NFC North offenses must now account for on every play from scrimmage or pay a terrible price. When we look back in 12 years, we will likely say that the Detroit Lions Renaissance began with Stafford, Suh, and Jahvid Best(notes)but I digress. This, too, is not the worst of it.

The Bears don't even lead the division in drama anymore; that honor firmly belongs to the Minnesota Vikings. Four weeks ago, the New England Patriots traded receiver Randy Moss(notes) to the Vikings for draft picks. This past Sunday, against the Pats, Moss caught one pass for eight yards. Moss played for the Pats just this season, and had insider information that another coach might have used to his advantage. But Brad Childress, in a stupid bid to reassert his lost authority, refused Moss' advice and, for good measure, froze Moss out of the game plan (it had to be a freeze-out, because nothing else can explain Toby Gerhardt being targeted more). Then Chilly had the cojones to cut Moss when Moss rightly called him out for stupid coaching.

It might be wishful thinking, what with the league's waiver process, but here's hoping that Moss comes to Chicago, not necessarily to ride to our offense's rescue as much as to see him get to play the Vikings twice this season after what Childress did to him.

The Vikings soap opera is actually the worst of what occurred during the Bears' bye week for one meaningful reason: it is beyond all doubt that Brad Childress will be fired. This puts Vikings owner Zygi Wilf in play for one of those three Super Bowl champion ex-coaches currently on ice, and Wilf, having already overpaid for an old, wounded quarterback well past his sell-by date, will have no problem opening the checkbook to put a proven winner under a Vikings headset. That, or the next head on a pike after Childress' will be his. The McCaskeys are not going to get into a bidding war over guys who could actually win a Super Bowl for them because, well, they already have one of the soppy things, don't they?

Meanwhile, what did the Bears do while the rest of the division surpassed them in every meaningful category?

Lovie Smith got stuck in traffic for hours at the North Lake Shore Drive Bridge because the bridge sign looks like a third down marker and he had no idea about how to cross the intervening distance.

Jay Cutler(notes) spent a day combing the roster, looking for that DeAngelo Hall(notes) kid, because he finally felt like he was getting some rapport with one of the receivers.

Mike Martz' shrine to Don Coryell and Ernie Zampese ran red with the blood of virgins all week as he vainly beseeched them to remove the curse from his team's offense. There is no truth to the rumor that the ghost of Coryell wailed "stop sacrificing virgins and start sacrificing a receiver for a blocker, you idiot."

Rod Marinelli quietly and efficiently kept coaching up the defense, the only unit on the team that is actually exceeding expectations in a good way. Currently ranked sixth in overall defense (including 5th against the run and 3rd in total points allowed), it's scary to imagine how good they might be if they were getting anything from Tommie Harris(notes).

Mike Tice spent the week getting his offensive line treated for aphephobia.

Finally, team president Ted Phillips gathered up some empty boxes and left them in the hall outside of Jerry Angelo's office, with the following note: "Hey, Jerry, I was in the neighborhood and it occurred to me that you might need these in a few weeks. Oh, and could you clear all of your old 'Field & Stream' magazines out of the executive washroom? Thanks, Ted."

For good or ill, these were the jokes. The fact that the Bears will have needed the bye week to get the ship righted in time for the Buffalo Bills is not one of them.
Source 

zombieslayer
14 years ago

Lovie Smith got stuck in traffic for hours at the North Lake Shore Drive Bridge because the bridge sign looks like a third down marker and he had no idea about how to cross the intervening distance.

Jay Cutler(notes) spent a day combing the roster, looking for that DeAngelo Hall(notes) kid, because he finally felt like he was getting some rapport with one of the receivers.



LOL! This writer is hilarious.

As bad as it is to be a Vikings fan, being a Bear fan is pretty close right now. I think of all fans, the Cows have it the worst but the other two are right up there.

And as the writer pointed out, good time to be a Lions fan. They're definitely a Sleeper pick for either 2011 or 2012.
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Cheesey
14 years ago
The Lions are on the way up. No doubt.
The Bears and Queens are barely treading water.
A great time to be a PACKER fan!!!
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beast (8-Aug) : But the Return from IR designations had to be applied by the 53 man cutdown.
beast (8-Aug) : It's a new rule, so it's not clear, but my understanding was that they could be IR'd at any time
Mucky Tundra (8-Aug) : *had to be IRed at 53
Mucky Tundra (8-Aug) : beast, I thought the designate return from IR players had to be IR at cutdowns to 53, not before
beast (8-Aug) : It's a brand new rule, either last season or this season, prior, all pre-season IRs were done for the season
beast (8-Aug) : But the Packers would have to use one for their return from IR spots on him, when they cut down to 53.
beast (8-Aug) : I think the NFL recently changed the IR rules, so maybe the season might not be over for OL Glover.
Zero2Cool (8-Aug) : Packers star Howton, first NFLPA prez, dies at 95 😔
dfosterf (8-Aug) : Apparently it is too complicated for several to follow your simple instructions, but I digress
dfosterf (8-Aug) : Zero- Did you see what I posted about Voice of Reason and his wife? She posted over at fleaflicker that they are both "In"
Zero2Cool (7-Aug) : Well, not crazy, it makes sense. Crazy I didn't notice/find it earlier
Zero2Cool (7-Aug) : it's crazy how one stored procedure to get data bogged everything down for speed here
dfosterf (7-Aug) : to herd cats or goldfish without a bowl. They reminded me of the annual assembly of our fantasy league
dfosterf (7-Aug) : out on a field trip, outfitting them with little yellow smocks. Most of the little folk were well behaved, but several were like trying
dfosterf (7-Aug) : Yesterday my wife and I spent the afternoon on the waterfront here in Alexandria, Va. A daycare company took about 15 three/four year olds
wpr (7-Aug) : seems faster. yay
dfosterf (7-Aug) : Wife of reason posted on the in/out thread on fleaflicker that both she and vor are in
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Mucky Tundra (7-Aug) : Tbh, I can never tell the difference in speed unless it's completely shitting the bed
Zero2Cool (7-Aug) : Sure does feel like site is more snappy
Zero2Cool (6-Aug) : I thought that was the Lions OL
Mucky Tundra (6-Aug) : Travis Glover placed on IR; seasons over for him
Zero2Cool (6-Aug) : found bad sql in database, maybe site faster now?
dfosterf (5-Aug) : I'm going to call that a good move.
Zero2Cool (4-Aug) : Packers sign CB Corey Ballentine
Zero2Cool (4-Aug) : I'm not sure how to kill the draft order just yet so it's not so confusing.
Mucky Tundra (4-Aug) : *to be able
Mucky Tundra (4-Aug) : and because it's not a dynasty league (which makes a lot more sense to be ability to trade picks)
Mucky Tundra (4-Aug) : Oh I know; I was just exploring and it blew my mind that you could trade picks because of the whole reordering thing
Mucky Tundra (4-Aug) : Zero, I think I preferred my offer: your 1st for my 15th rounder
Zero2Cool (4-Aug) : Keep in mind, we do a draft reorder once all members locked in
Zero2Cool (4-Aug) : You can have my 12th Rd for your 2nd round
Mucky Tundra (4-Aug) : Hey i didn't know we could trade picks in fantasy
Mucky Tundra (3-Aug) : Update: Rock has tried a cheese curd, promises it's not his last
Zero2Cool (3-Aug) : watch it!! lol
Mucky Tundra (3-Aug) : you're right, we never did leave, the site just went down :P
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