Only one of the millions of problems with our justice-nay... ENTIRE system. That's just plain lazy.

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cole & i had a long talk last nite before his therapy.

we talked about how to make the transition better from my house to his dads. he really wants his dad to come down here on his weekends at least for a little while. so i'll talk to the ex again about making a real effort to come & take them places down here. wish me luck.

we also discussed the possibility of medication helping him. we spoke to the therapist about it & we all agree that cole is trying his hardest to work on getting the anxiety under control, he's using the tools she's taught him, & it's just not working. so she suggested we talk to our MD about it & then he'll be monitored by a psychiatrist to make sure the meds are working & the dosage is correct.

seeing the relief in cole's eyes when we talked about how meds can help him was heartbreaking but great all at the same time. the relief he felt was palpable - hoping so much for this to get better. the poor lil guy.

but we left therapy with a renewed strength & high hopes for a bright future.

good news. I hope his dad acts like a father and does what is right for both the boys.

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My 2 cents.... The child doesn't want to go there because there are no decision problems where he is now. He knows visits to the Ex could include the request to participate in wrong doings such as "Get in the car, we're only going to McD's". Such an order requires him to chose not only right & wrong, but also chose between Father's direction in life versus Mother's. When the Father decides to do something wrong, that's on him, but should NEVER include the child. I have a brother sitting in jail now for just such a scenario.

4PackGirl, the best you can do is ALWAYS be honest, no matter what. That will increase your credibility, with interest. Your son will learn, in the next 10 years or so, that there's not many/much he can trust & you definately want to be someone he can trust for truthful advice. My Mom & us went through some hard times, divorce, etc. Don't remember all of the bad stuff, but I remember she was always honest about what was going on.

You will do fine, trust us, we're Packer fans, don'cha know, ya der hey.
[twocents]

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thanks blitz.

it took me awhile to understand that trying to shield them from who/what their dad is was NOT the way to go. thankfully my new hubby could see what was happening & really helped guide me to understand what the boys needed from me the most - honestly & love.

i don't bash their dad at all because i don't want them to feel like they're less than others because of what their dad has done & continues to do. but i also know that when their dad does something wrong, they're gonna know about it, they're gonna be told the ramifications of his actions, & that if they're ever in a position where they don't know what to do, the best thing they CAN do is stay where they are & call me.

it just kills me that the role of the responsible person falls on two 10 year old boys. it's so damn unfair.

Am I missing something? You stated that his license is revoked. How do the kids visit him if he can't drive (legally). That sounds like something that should definately impact visitation schedule. How far apart are you and the ex? One option to look at instead of going back to court is mediation. Less attorney involvement, and they seem to be more willing to listen to the kids wishes. But before you do either, make sure it is what they want. He could not want to go now, but still not want the "official" visitation to change.

You can only control what you can control. Try to not discuss or talk about what goes on with the ex. as much as possible. When they return, find out what you need to know, and then try to be a normal family as much as possible. And when they go back, reinforce that if they fear for their safety it is ok to protect themselves by contacting who ever they can, whether police, you or somebody else in the area that they know and you may trust to help them in your place.

I worry some about therapy. I think it might keep him from being able to let go, move on and get past what might have gone on. I think if you let him air out what went on, and how he feels right away, get it off his chest, and then only if he wants to. I would highly suggest avoiding medication at all cost if possible.

While my father didn't put me in danger, he wasn't present. The relationship with my mother and my step-father is what I grew up to appreciate. I ended up calling my step-father DAD and my father was just my father. Put as much effort into you time with them, and less into their time with him.

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his parents drive him. he lives with his grandmother most of the time & then when he has the boys for visitation, he goes & stays with his parents. we are 90 miles apart right now & have met in the middle for visitation pick ups since we moved.

talking about what's happening is what he does in therapy. he gets it off his chest, the therapist helps him make a plan for how to deal with certain situations in the future, we go home & we don't talk about it unless he comes to me.

cole has always been an anxious kid. that part isn't going to change just simply by 'talking it through'. i know people have different ideas on medications but my feeling is this - if this was a physical problem, i would do anything i could to help him, take him to every doctor i could find & get it resolved. it's no different with a mental health problem, in my opinion. we're not looking for some 'magic pill' to fix everything & he's gotten better in other aspects of his life with the anxiety - he just can't get over this one last hurdle. so, we're going to try meds & see where it leads us. watching your child in mental anguish is terrible. at 10, he's trying to understand why he's 'this way' & it's just heartbreaking.

UPDATE:

well here we are in june & the boys dad has now seen them 3 times since january.

cole is in therapy & has seen a psychiatrist who has diagnosed him with anxiety disorder.

he is on a very low dosage of zoloft.

his life here with us has been going much better & he's like his old self again.

he still refuses to go to his dads. after stressing myself out over it, i realized that he chose to see them only 3 times in 5 months, wtf am i so worried about?? he's the one responsible for whatever relationship he has with his boys - not me.

it's awkward, strange, & stressful for all of us because their dad is putting more pressure on them to come now.
we're hanging in here though. i just calmly tell cole that whatever he wants to do or not do is ok & we'll deal with it.