you're being very philosophical which is fine.
i happen to be an emotional person so for me, those words just cut me like a knife.
but i can see how for others they could be helpful.
to each their own i guess.

how's papa formo doing?

That's probably because someone's giving unsolicited advice. Which really is criticism. No wonder you hate them sayings.




Haven't seen him in awhile..I know he just posted a CaringBridge update this morning, though. 😛

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Even if it was somebody I knew very well, unless they had a child with a cancerous brain tumor, the best thing to say is I'm sorry and then STFU. I appreciated the people that we didn't even know that had been through a similar situation, tell us their ordeal - that was comforting.

I just think it is dipshit thing to say to somebody that has real life truama going on.

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Jules.. I happen to think differently on this topic.. but I will tread lightly sense I have no idea the emotion ties. I will only share my story for reference and why I don't believe the sayings are false.

I can look back on my life, especially between 10 and 20, I can remember the highs and the lows for that decade.

I can tell you I wondered why; why me a ton, I can tell you those words were completely hollow for a couple of years. I would have uttered the same thing in disbelief. Wholeheartedly. It changed my relationship with God permanently.. but it didn't break it. Church that is severed beyond repair. Call it more of a mutual understanding with God today... it is complicated even for me, and I live it.

What it did do is temper my emotional swings with the big challenges in life.

Heck I have been in and out the hospital here for a couple of weeks now again.. had more surgeries than a human should have to endure, it is almost like a tiny ripple in daily life. Kids getting sick, people I care for dying, divorce, it all seems relatively minute in the grand scheme of things. Transitioning from able bodied to slowly knowing that part of my life is closing rapidly.

I am convinced that my life would be in shambles if I wasn't hardened early.

But I learned the meaning of those words to me much earlier in life.. when I got to college and that first year I really struggled with the realities of the world, I learned the meaning.

I was asked by a professor if I would talk with his nephew that has just lost a limb, to this day I still don't believe the mask I wore fooled so many, to help him overcome and adjust to life again. The counselor set it up and I met with him a couple of times and then just kind of talked here and there when he needed to. They thought I was helping him.. in reality it was him helping me just as much as anything.

Perspective.

From there, based apparently that I was willing, I talked a probably a half dozen other kids and even a school or two about adjusting to life with challenges. I don't know if I impacted a soul for sure, but if I did, then it was worth it.

To this day.. that is where I learned the answer to my why, and I have used that for the rest of my life.

But to Dakota's point, I don't say it to many people (kids and wife withstanding), because honestly, I have no idea the trials of another.

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we all have obstacles some people look at the obstacle and get biter. Others look at the obstacle and make themselves in a better person because of it.

The illustration I like to use is 2 Revolutionary War generals.
Both of them were promised things by others of authority that never came to pass. Both were dumped on. Both were ridiculed or not given the credit due him.

Benedict Arnold looked at all those incidents and decided to get even with them by trying to help the British secure the fort at West Point,NY.
George Washington looked at the incidents that plagued him (and many will say he faced greater betrayal and hardships.) and resolved to overcome them.

It isn't so much as to whether or not God gives us more than we can bear, it is what do we do when we are faced with the challenge? I firmly believe if we turn to the Lord and seek His assistance He will provide it.

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My feeling is this.....God sometimes ALLOWS things to happen to us, not necessarily "giving" them to us.
What i am trying to say is, the devil wants us to stumble, and will throw everything at us that he can.
"Bad things happen to good people"....and of course it seems that good things happen alot to bad people.
That one is hard for me to swallow sometimes. But accepting Jesus as your saviour doesn't mean life will suddenly become a bed of roses. (Boy....do i know that!)
It's hard for me to look at people that have screwed me over, and see them seemingly getting blessings for their evilness.
I have had people say to me "You witness to me about how good God is,how i should accept Him, yet i see you struggling every day physically and monitarily, why would i want THAT for myself???"
It makes it hard to make a good argument. Sometimes i can't blame them i guess.

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ok, i get what you're saying, shawn.

for you it was comforting. when people said those things to me when my dad got sick, i wanted to smack them across the face! to me it felt like they were saying 'suck it up, stiff upper lip, stay strong, & you cannot be weak'!! so, during his entire sickness, i did just that. as a result, i will forever feel the guilt that i didn't share more of my feelings with my dad about his sickness & his impending death. sure we said we loved each other, talked about old times, & all of that BUT i keep thinking how alone he must have felt. he didn't want to discuss it with me because i was being so damn strong, i think he didn't want to upset me. i feel horrible that i didn't reach out to him & let him talk about his feelings, his fears, & his worries.

I believe that God had reasons for the shit that happened to Job. I believe that God has reasons for the shit parts of my life.

I also believe the particulars of God's reasons for what he does, good or bad, are beyond my ability to comprehend. And beyond anyone's ability to comprehend.

I have used the "God only gives us what we can handle" a couple times. But I've only used with someone I know very well, and only well into an extended conversation with that someone. I believe the sentiment -- indeed sometimes it has been the only sentiment keeping me from falling into my personal pit again. But I don't believe it is the kind of sentiment that one comes to believe when the sentiment is expressed starkly, as a platitude. I don't believe it is the kind of one liner that "helps" things, I believe it, but it does me absolutely no good to hear it from anyone other than myself.

Or, very occasionally, from someone who knows me very well and who has already talked to me a lot.

This is one kind of sentiment that only works if timed exquisitely (works in a positive way, that is; it works very easily in a negative way). Watch how the professionals choose when to say certain things. I've been seeing my mental health counselor, Kirsten, for almost a year and a half now. (Some of you might remember, I started seeing her when I was pretty much a basket case.) And there are things she is saying to me only now. I don't know why she waited -- I'm pretty clear she saw some of these things in me way back then -- but whether its because of her education, her experience, or simply her intuition, I'm sure she only said them when she believed I was ready for them.

All of us have situations where we want to comfort someone. To help them through the shit parts of their life. But very few of us, if any of us, find such a task easy. Does anyone like visiting a friend in the hospital, or going to a funeral? When we do, we need to say something, but we have no idea what to say.

In most such cases, I believe, a pure platitude is actually what is called for. The important thing, the thing we have provided to the sick or griving person we are visiting, is our showing enough care to visit. The words we use when we visit are mostly timekeepers and background noise. The better we can keep to platitudes, the less we distract the person visited from the comfort being provided by our being there.

Because in most such cases, what that person needs, and pretty much all we can provide, is being there.

But "God only gives us what we can handle" -- while it may or may not be a "truth" depending on your personal belief -- is not a platitude. It's an instruction, an instruction in how to "have faith." It's an instruction for how the person being spoken to should believe. And the last thing someone who is suffering needs in such situations is instruction.

Instruction does have a place. (It's part of why we need teachers, pastors, and mental health counselors.) But it's not here.

If you're in one of those situations where a platitude actually has a role to play, then you're also in a situation where instruction does not.

So I believe.

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I've always hated that book. I know there's some valuable lessons I need to learn from it, but right now I just can't get past the pissing and moaning Job does. I honestly can't.

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This needs to be bumped. I can't believe some adults are still saying "it is what it is". No way! You mean to say it isn't what it isn't? What a damn revelation there Mr. Holmes!


I think James Starks is the biggest culprit of this. Put some damn thought into your words!

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