I'm tired, Kevin.
It seems i have always have been having to fight. Alot of things i don't even tell anyone.
Fact is, my home in Heaven is there, paid for in full. All i have down here is heartache and pain. It would be easy if life was all "sunshine and roses". And i try to keep on fighting. But the last several years have taken a heavy toll on me. I spent last Monday through Wednesday in bed with a horrible migraine. As you know, my wife lost her job, and she has not been fun to be around. She's down, and gets mad at me it seems at every turn.
Trust me, if i wasn't a believer, i would have killed myself by now.
The only thing that has kept me from doing so is knowing that God would be pissed at me.
I have nothing here, and i have been asking God what my purpose is for still being here. So far, i haven't had any answer.
My wife hates where we live, and blames me for it all the time. I don't feel i have any worth to anyone anymore.
So i ask God to take me.
Yes, i'm sure that seems like a cop out. But if i wrote all that has happened and has been happening, i bet alot would say they can't blame me.
yes, there are many that have it worse then me. I know that. There are many that are stronger then me. I know that too.
I'm worn out. Since my heart surgery, i haven't even been able to think as clearly as i used to.
I have suffered losses, my Dad when i was 16, Mom when i was 33, brother who hated me when i was 36, and more relatives and friends then i can even count. I picked myself up each time.
I always thought that some day i would have a house. Not even a "mansion", just a place to call my own. Now i realize it will NEVER happen. And my wife will never be able to NOT work.
So you may not understand. And i'm sorry if i let you down on that.
But i'm only human, with all the weaknesses of everyone else.