NOBODY likes all kinds of music
September 19th, 2008
Fellow Pretentious Critic writer Badman and I have one of the same pet peeves. We both hate it when someone says they like all kinds of music.
NO YOU DONT. You do not like all kinds of music. Nobody does. No one who ever lived likes all kinds of music.
People who say this are either:
a) Lazy nimrods,
b) Too chickenshit too offend anyone so they try to appease everyone by saying they like all kinds of music,
c) or both a and b.
I know what I like. I like Metal, except I absolutely loathe NuMetal or any other of that whiny shite that they try to pass off as Metal. I also dont like Grindcore or any other type of noise metal with no purpose.
I also like the Romantic Era of Classical Music. Baroque and everything before and everything after I could do without. Yes, that means Bach, Mozart, and Vivaldi, three favorites of a lot of people. I cant stand any of them.
If you want to listen to great Classical, pick up Tchaikovsky, Brahms, or Beethoven. There are a lot more Classical composers from the Romantic Era I like, but those are my three favorites.
I also hate rap, country, smooth jazz, top 40, boy bands, the Eagles, the Beatles, Aerosmith, Dave Matthews, Boston, Nirvana, Oasis, Jessica Simpson, her even more untalented sister (didnt think that was possible at first), James Blunt, Fergie, or any other of that American Idol raw sewage they try to force feed down our throats.
Narrow minded? Damn straight. I know what I like. If your tastes differ, GREAT. More power to you. I dont want you and I to have the same taste. Its our differences that make us interesting. If youre just like me, that would bore the heck out of me.
The thing is, I can enjoy other types of music if theyre done right. Goth, Celtic, Bluegrass, old school Americana, even live jazz I can enjoy if the musicians are really into what theyre doing. Ive been known to go to dance clubs too, chilling to anything from Industrial to Techno to House, if you have the right people to go with. I dont really dance, just enjoy a good cocktail, people watch, and hang.
But back to my main point - NOBODY likes all kinds of music. If anyone makes that claim that they like all types of music, immediately respond with the following:
They are to name five solo artists or bands they like in each category. If they fail, denounce them as liars and forbid them from your anti-zombie compound. Yes, the punishment is death by zombies.
01) Black Metal. They say they like all types of music. Lets see them name five Black Metal bands they like.
02) Country. Lets go the other extreme. Name five country bands they like.
03) Nazi Punk. Yes. They said all types of music. I personally hate Nazis, but know there are at least one hundred Nazi Punk bands in the world so make em give you five Nazi Punk bands.
Now you see I already exposed them as liars, but lets keep this going just to rub it in.
04) Christian Gospel. Lets go another extreme. We have Black Metal which is often Satanic. Not only are many Black Metal bands Satanic, some have been known to burn churches and have even spent time in jail for murder. Now on the opposite end of the spectrum, we have Christian Gospel. Five Christian Gospel bands they like. Thats all they have to name. Should be easy for these uber-open-minded fools.
05) Hellbilly. Heres another extreme. No, not just plain Cowpunk, but Hellbilly. Its a little bit more, well, a lot more hardcore than just Cowpunk. Five bands. Im waiting.
06) Gangsta Rap - Where Hellbilly may be a reaction against pretentious city buttholes, lets twist it entirely around and go inner city, deep in the inner cities, straight up Compton. Even better if at least one band member spent time in the pokie. Five Gangsta Rap artists. Make them name their favorite five (preferably while staring down the barrel of your Glock 9mm, held gangsta-style).
07) Polka - Get the beer flowing, the lederhosen on, and whip out the old accordion. Theyre so freaking open minded. Make em give you their top five polka acts. No, make em put away their laptop. No cheating. If they fail to give you five, stick das boot as far up their open minded ass as it will go.
08) Straight Edge Punk - Thats right, folks. Since you cannot possibly listen to Polka sober, you cannot possibly listen to Straight Edge Punk drunk, because Straight Edge is against drinking. But no fair, they say? No, they screwed up. Theyre the one who said they like all kinds of music. Polka and Straight Edge cancel each other out. So what is it? Do they like Polka or do they like Straight Edge Punk? One cannot possibly like both. My trump card. They lose. So much for them being open minded.
09) Disco - Heh. Just had to throw that in there. Ive already proved my point, so now just putting up a #9 and #10. Macho Macho Ma-han. I wanna be a Macho Man. Open minded my macho ass.
10) Smooth Jazz. I hate smooth jazz. My version of Hell would be nothing but The View and American Idol on the idiot box with smooth jazz playing constantly everywhere you go.
So thats the quiz. Give them a chance to repent and admit theyre wrong. If they dont repent, deny them entry into your compound. When the zombies come, theyll need some fools to feed on. In the meantime, blast your boombox to your favorite jams to drown out their screaming. Gloria Gaynor? Excellent choice. Ill sing along with you for old times sake.
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
cause youre not welcome anymore
werent you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think Id crumble
you think Id lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive