As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I cant use the remote in a hotel room because I dont know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I cant sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I cant touch any womans purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresas Novena has granted my every wish.

I cant have a drink in a bar because Ill wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I cant eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I cant use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnt crawl in my back seat when Im filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put Under God on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I cant boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I cant use anyones toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.


AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I cant ever pick up a Toonie dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I cant do any gardening because Im afraid Ill get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you dont send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex-mother-in-laws second husbands cousins best friends beautician . . .


Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Dont bother taking it off now, its too late.


PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

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Of course I read my e-mail with my right hand on the mouse because I need to scroll down when I'm reading such a huge wall of text.

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I'm safe, since my hand is on a trackpad, and I'm obviously overendowed with brain activity since I never use a mouse.

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LOL! That email was so true! I mean, we ALL have received goofy stuff like that.
Fact is, we NEED to come in contact with germs, in order for our immune system to be able to build up a resistance to them.
But Zero, it made me laugh!!!LOL!

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you were already screwed up long before I sent you all those emails. And you told me you loved receiving them.


good otherwise I wouldn't want to shake your hand.


I think the remote is only useful for a woman and if so do you really care?

If you watched the video you wouldn't have to imagine.

Then start shaking left handed.

I think it is more difficult for women to "miss" the toilet than men.


this has to be true. My dad told me about this and he died from cancer. I'll bet a rat that had been used to test cancer causing substances crapped on his envelopes.


and this is a problem because of?


you smell like a water buffalo even when you wear deodorant.


good thing I drink Pepsi and Fanta.


those godless bastards. I am switching to Coke. At least my dentures won't have toilet bowl stains on them.


you're not sexy enough to be asked to try the perfume.


I just checked with the woman who use to be the primary caregiver for Dad. She is from Uzbekistan. She told me that in a cost cutting move the whole operation has been outsourced to Kyrgyzstan.


yet again, you are not that sexy. No worries.


it is a good thing you just moved. now the spider doesn't know where you live.


not me. I was busy picking my nose. wanna shake?

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+1 to WPR.

That was funnier than the original post.

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I agree with Zombie!!! plus ONE for the "Wayner!"

VERY "Cheeseylike" post!!!
I'm PROUD of you Wayne!!!

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High praise from the master.

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LOL!
YOU EARNED it Wayne....you EARNED it! LOL!

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