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Offline 4PackGirl  
#1 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 12:44:56 PM(UTC)
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i haven't talked about this on here but i need to share it with my PH family.

back in january, cole started refusing to go to his dads. cole is his dads 'favorite' & cole has always idolized him. so needless to say, this was a very odd turn of events.

since then, i've had cole in therapy & they believe he has anxiety issues & is depressed. the ex (alcoholic mooch) has been horrible to deal with. no matter how many times the therapist & i have expressed to him that he CANNOT put pressure on cole or make him feel bad about the situation, he continues to do it.

i honestly feel bad for my ex but have told him that on his weekends, he is more than welcome to come down here & take them bowling, out to lunch, to the movies, whatever...he's come once since january...ONCE.

i just can't believe how much i took the happiness of my kids for granted. we were going along enjoying life, everything was great, & then boom - it's not. i've cried so many times over this. the ex's family thinks i've 'poisoned' the boys against them. i assure you i have not. i think that cole has seen his dad for what he is, realizes how much it sucks, & doesn't know how to deal with it.

his license is revoked but he drove them around anyway.
then when i found out about it, he acted like it was no big deal.
i told the boys to never get in a vehicle alone with him again.
so, he decides to leave the boys home alone & drive himself to mcdonald's with no license, cuz he felt like it.

cole is a 'by the book' kinda kid. he thinks people should follow the rules. seeing his dad not doing that upsets him.
most of you are guys - any other ideas what could be bothering him? my tummy is in knots every day because i just want my happy kid back. as for cory, he shut off his feelings to his dad years ago. i worry about him too...trust me.
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Offline DakotaT  
#2 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 12:57:06 PM(UTC)
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It sounds to me like your sons love you very much and know that their father has hurt you and continues to do so. I don't know how you fix a situation like this, probably because there isn't a fix for it. You can't change/fix stupid and stubborn. The answer lies within your ex-husband but most people like him never see wrong within themselves. I would think he resents you moving on without him.

Realistically, I would go back to court and get his visitation lessened and supervised. Is it your problem that he can't sober up? Don't let yourself be any more of a victim in this that you already have. If your sons want a relationship with him, they will have it later in their life - but right now they are vulnerable little boys that need to be protected. Who would a drunk as a role model for anyone?
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Formo on 4/2/2013(UTC), 4PackGirl on 4/2/2013(UTC)
Offline Formo  
#3 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 1:02:08 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: DakotaT Go to Quoted Post
It sounds to me like your sons love you very much and know that their father has hurt you and continues to do so. I don't know how you fix a situation like this, probably because there isn't a fix for it. You can't change/fix stupid and stubborn. The answer lies within your ex-husband but most people like him never see wrong within themselves. I would think he resents you moving on without him.

Realistically, I would go back to court and get his visitation lessened and supervised. Is it your problem that he can't sober up? Don't let yourself be any more of a victim in this that you already have. If your sons want a relationship with him, they will have it later in their life - but right now they are vulnerable little boys that need to be protected. Who would a drunk as a role model for anyone?


In time, the kids WILL see the truth. No matter what you do. But Troy's right.. they are vulnerable and allowing an ex have any sort of custody of the kids while being dangerous or breaking the law is NOT ok and the ex not only needs to know this, but experience it.

As a product of a broken home, I can assure you that if you are genuine with your boys and make your decisions for their safety and well being in mind, they will see this.l

Also, I'm sad you have to go through this crap. =(
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4PackGirl on 4/2/2013(UTC)
Offline play2win  
#4 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 1:38:55 PM(UTC)
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Yeah, sorry to hear, but I agree, get his visitation changed for your son's safety. What's next? You don't want to have to find that out...
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4PackGirl on 4/2/2013(UTC)
Offline Pack93z  
#5 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 1:51:00 PM(UTC)
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I will not speculate on your son's recent emotional shift as there could be so many factors that trying to even formulate an opinion would be unfair and for me not proper.

But the dynamic of your ex and his spiraling attention paid, patience and transferring his regret through to his children.. that is somewhat common unfortunately in today's world. Especially with an addictive force involved such as alcohol. I don't know that there is much that you can do until he figures out what he truly is missing by pulling away. Will he? Can't answer.. but a couple of things have been mentioned that I would echo, starting with being forthright and honest with your boys about their fathers illness. Not absolving him of his responsibility, but also trying to salvage as much as possible the fact that he truly loves him at core. Basically setting the potential for them to repair or remain connected to their father either now or in the future.

Then I would start to deploy what Troy mentions above.. pulling as much control over your boys time and well being via the courts as possible while trying as best as possible to communicate truly why you are taking these steps.. sooner or later (if it is going to happen) the reality will hit home with your ex that he is going to lose even more connection and sharing their lives. If that doesn't serve as a wake up.. as a father, I just don't know what will. However in the interim, you are trying to protect your boys as well as you can.. but if your Ex doesn't change, the reality is the boys are still going to be hit with a well of different emotions. Don't know if there is any true way of protecting them fully from that.

I wish you good luck.. and if you want to talk outside of the thread, I will share more of my experiences and triggers in my divorce.
I think when there's enough will and aggression, there's no shortage of talent either.

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4PackGirl on 4/2/2013(UTC)
Offline wpr  
#6 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 2:15:02 PM(UTC)
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This is way above my pay grade and field of experience. Troy and all are right to seek reduced visitations. You are right. Don't force him to go to his father's place.

I know it is hard for you because you love your sons so much. Talk to them about what you are doing and why you do it.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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4PackGirl on 4/2/2013(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#7 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 4:07:31 PM(UTC)
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wow - you guys are amazing!!

cole had therapy again today & it went really well. he's been happy this week again so i'm hoping it continues. he has always been the 'responsible' one. cory is a complete maniac who cracks me up constantly & has this amazing attitude toward life - wish i could be more like him!

i appreciate your advice about modifying visitation. i am meeting with an attorney on the 19th to explore those options. i don't know what the judge will say but i HAVE to try to protect them at all costs! i've tried talking to a few of the police in the town he's living & nobody will help. i told them where he goes, what day he goes where, & even the times but they just don't seem interested in doing anything. one of the bad parts of being from a small town - heaven forbid someone should rock the boat!! i told them that if anything were to happen to the boys, they should consider it on their heads as well as my exes. i'm praying like crazy for the judge to agree to supervised visitation.

the sad part is that if i don't force them to go, i could get in BIG trouble. i'm mad at all the mothers who came before me & used their kids as pawns against their husbands. it made the judge's jobs so much more difficult. but i will NEVER force them to go. he can call the local cops here who will come to my door & write me a fine. i'm ok with that. i'm protecting them & i'll just hafta let the chips fall where they may.

seriously, i love you guys! your support means the world to me. i'll continue to update as things progress.
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Offline wpr  
#8 Posted : Tuesday, April 2, 2013 4:19:21 PM(UTC)
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how old are your boys? Aren't they around 7 or so?

the judge can ask them why they go or don't want to go can't he? or is that after they get a little older. Surely the judge can weight the their feelings into the situation.

"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline 4PackGirl  
#9 Posted : Wednesday, April 3, 2013 5:02:55 AM(UTC)
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they're 10 (time flies) & the judge can consider their feelings when making her decision but illinois is VERY pro-visitation. it's extremely difficult to get even supervised visitations. judges are lazy & want the vast majority of their divorce cases to follow along THEIR rules...whether it's in the best interest of the kids or not. sad but true. i petitioned the court for supervised visitation after he got his 2 DUI's in quick succession, the judge looked at my attorney & said "i NEVER grant supervised visitation - next". that judge has since retired & i have a new judge this time - a female - we'll see if she has the same mentality. ugh.
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Offline wpr  
#10 Posted : Wednesday, April 3, 2013 5:44:30 AM(UTC)
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(;_:)

Hope you get what is best for the boys.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline Formo  
#11 Posted : Wednesday, April 3, 2013 8:09:13 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
they're 10 (time flies) & the judge can consider their feelings when making her decision but illinois is VERY pro-visitation. it's extremely difficult to get even supervised visitations. judges are lazy & want the vast majority of their divorce cases to follow along THEIR rules...whether it's in the best interest of the kids or not. sad but true. i petitioned the court for supervised visitation after he got his 2 DUI's in quick succession, the judge looked at my attorney & said "i NEVER grant supervised visitation - next". that judge has since retired & i have a new judge this time - a female - we'll see if she has the same mentality. ugh.


Only one of the millions of problems with our justice-nay... ENTIRE system. That's just plain lazy.
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4PackGirl on 4/5/2013(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#12 Posted : Wednesday, April 10, 2013 5:37:19 AM(UTC)
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cole & i had a long talk last nite before his therapy.

we talked about how to make the transition better from my house to his dads. he really wants his dad to come down here on his weekends at least for a little while. so i'll talk to the ex again about making a real effort to come & take them places down here. wish me luck.

we also discussed the possibility of medication helping him. we spoke to the therapist about it & we all agree that cole is trying his hardest to work on getting the anxiety under control, he's using the tools she's taught him, & it's just not working. so she suggested we talk to our MD about it & then he'll be monitored by a psychiatrist to make sure the meds are working & the dosage is correct.

seeing the relief in cole's eyes when we talked about how meds can help him was heartbreaking but great all at the same time. the relief he felt was palpable - hoping so much for this to get better. the poor lil guy.

but we left therapy with a renewed strength & high hopes for a bright future.
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Offline wpr  
#13 Posted : Wednesday, April 10, 2013 5:53:27 AM(UTC)
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good news. I hope his dad acts like a father and does what is right for both the boys.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline Blitz  
#14 Posted : Thursday, April 11, 2013 3:00:24 PM(UTC)
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My 2 cents.... The child doesn't want to go there because there are no decision problems where he is now. He knows visits to the Ex could include the request to participate in wrong doings such as "Get in the car, we're only going to McD's". Such an order requires him to chose not only right & wrong, but also chose between Father's direction in life versus Mother's. When the Father decides to do something wrong, that's on him, but should NEVER include the child. I have a brother sitting in jail now for just such a scenario.

4PackGirl, the best you can do is ALWAYS be honest, no matter what. That will increase your credibility, with interest. Your son will learn, in the next 10 years or so, that there's not many/much he can trust & you definately want to be someone he can trust for truthful advice. My Mom & us went through some hard times, divorce, etc. Don't remember all of the bad stuff, but I remember she was always honest about what was going on.

You will do fine, trust us, we're Packer fans, don'cha know, ya der hey.
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Offline 4PackGirl  
#15 Posted : Thursday, April 11, 2013 3:57:17 PM(UTC)
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thanks blitz.

it took me awhile to understand that trying to shield them from who/what their dad is was NOT the way to go. thankfully my new hubby could see what was happening & really helped guide me to understand what the boys needed from me the most - honestly & love.

i don't bash their dad at all because i don't want them to feel like they're less than others because of what their dad has done & continues to do. but i also know that when their dad does something wrong, they're gonna know about it, they're gonna be told the ramifications of his actions, & that if they're ever in a position where they don't know what to do, the best thing they CAN do is stay where they are & call me.

it just kills me that the role of the responsible person falls on two 10 year old boys. it's so damn unfair.
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