Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.






Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

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I put this on Lydia (14 yr old) Facebook wall a few weeks ago. I received a very sarcastic, "thanks DAD!".

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Good one DAD. 👍

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b!tch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Fighting for peace is like f-ing for virginity.

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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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That would only be wrong if you're trying to conceive. Otherwise, it's great birth control.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

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You know what the number one cause of forest fires is???




TREES!!!
Get rid of the damn trees, and you wouldn't have any more forest fires!!!

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Kind of like the No. 1 cause of divorce is marriage, eh?

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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